Honk Deficiency

I have a serious problem. It’s something that has plagued me for as long as I can remember. I feel like my life will never be complete without it and yet I have no idea how to acquire it. I cannot honk a car horn to save my existence.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know how to honk a car horn physically. It’s not like I don’t know how to press the steering wheel in the right way, or I can’t muster the strength to do so. It’s just that I never have the immediate honking reaction when some asshole about rams into me with his Toyota Celica because he’s to busy getting blown by his boyfriend to pay attention. Or the old beat up pickup truck that about rear ends me at a stop light because he has his banjo music up to loud while simultaneously fucking his dog.

I should be using my horn almost on a weekly basis, instead I haven’t used it in a panicky almost accident situation ever. (Editors note: I just realized that my right hand is more tanned then my left hand, which is weird because it’s the middle of winter. Hmm.) It seems like at least once per week I’m driving through a parking lot when some 90 year old lady starts backing out of her parking space, totally oblivious to me, and I have to throw my car in reverse to stop this senile old whore from smashing into me.

That’s just the problem though. Instead of honking to let the fossil of a human know what the fuck she’s doing, I just quietly reverse like the gigantic honk pussy I’ve always been. I don’t know what my problem is. Most times I don’t even think about the horn as an option. It’s really like the horn doesn’t even exist to me.

I think I’ve worked out a solution that I’m going to start putting to use immediately. From now on, every time I see something even a little out of place while driving down the road I’m going to honk. Neon sign with one letter unlit? Honk! Honk! Honk! Fuck you sign, I won’t let you get away with it this time! Then hopefully when a car cuts in front of me or about backs up into my “this is out of place” brain light will go off and I will react like I’ve trained myself to. Maybe I’ll even carry around an air horn for when I’m not in my vehicular, to train myself that way too. If I see some fat, ugly whore wearing hot pink biker shorts I’ll blow the air horn (in a non-homosexual way) to let her know what a disgusting disappointment to her parents she actually is.

Either way, something has got to change immediately because I’m sick of being a non-honker. I’m sick of letting people slide with their bad driving. I’m sick of sitting in an intersection looking like a timid bitch when some asshole runs a red light and flies right in front of me, narrowly missing me and then fleeing into the night, which happened to me just yesterday. I mean, the vehicle that about hit me was an ambulance with flashing lights and the sirens on but still, those assholes need to watch where they’re going, it’s not like where they’re going is more important then where I’m going. They act like it’s a life or death situation or something… Dicks…

Technorati Tags: accident, honk, horn

Lacktop

Lately I have been in the market for a brand new laptop. My old one is big and clunky and slow and I’ve just decided that I’m fucking done with it. While I was perusing the internets for a new laptop situation I came across Sony’s site and found a laptop that I really, really liked. Plus the specs were customizable so I was all over making it as cheaply powerful as I could. Well I ran into a problem with that model of laptop, the colors. So I sent the following email to Sony’s customer service.

I have reached quite an unusual problem. I am currently in the market for a new laptop, but to my dismay most laptops are hideous. That’s how I found Sony and their shiny, sleek and powerful laptops. Then I found a laptop that fits my needs, the Sony VGN-CR4000. After doing some pretty good research I decided that it’s the laptop for me. The only problem is that I’m not a woman, or gay, so what color am I supposed to pick? I’m not a huge fan of colors with names like Dove, Sangria, Cosmopolitan, Champagne and Indigo. Not only that but the Black looking laptop is actually crocodile skin? wtf? Laptop? More like lacktop, because this model clearly lacks heterosexuality.

So how about a straight, black version? I wanted a 14.1 inch laptop, but I have a feeling if I bought this one I’d look like I wanted a 14.1 inch cock up my ass.

In all honesty I could probably deal with the white one, but if it’s called “Dove” fuck that. Indigo also isn’t that gay because it’s a navy blue style, but all it makes me think of is the Indigo Girls and that’s fucking gay.

Please fix this, I really need a laptop pretty badly.

PS: Are you guys hiring?

That’ll teach them to fuck with me when I’m bored. If by some magical occurrence they send a reply to this I will be sure to post it up in a future blog, but I won’t hold my breath. Also, if you misspell “occurrence” in a certain fashion, spell check thinks you mean “coinsurance.” WTF?

Technorati Tags: laptop, Sony, VGN-CR4000