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Archive for January, 2008

Honk Deficiency

View Comments January 27, 2008 | JoshPerson

I have a serious problem. It’s something that has plagued me for as long as I can remember. I feel like my life will never be complete without it and yet I have no idea how to acquire it. I cannot honk a car horn to save my existence.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know how to honk a car horn physically. It’s not like I don’t know how to press the steering wheel in the right way, or I can’t muster the strength to do so. It’s just that I never have the immediate honking reaction when some asshole about rams into me with his Toyota Celica because he’s to busy getting blown by his boyfriend to pay attention. Or the old beat up pickup truck that about rear ends me at a stop light because he has his banjo music up to loud while simultaneously fucking his dog.

I should be using my horn almost on a weekly basis, instead I haven’t used it in a panicky almost accident situation ever. (Editors note: I just realized that my right hand is more tanned then my left hand, which is weird because it’s the middle of winter. Hmm.) It seems like at least once per week I’m driving through a parking lot when some 90 year old lady starts backing out of her parking space, totally oblivious to me, and I have to throw my car in reverse to stop this senile old whore from smashing into me.

That’s just the problem though. Instead of honking to let the fossil of a human know what the fuck she’s doing, I just quietly reverse like the gigantic honk pussy I’ve always been. I don’t know what my problem is. Most times I don’t even think about the horn as an option. It’s really like the horn doesn’t even exist to me.

I think I’ve worked out a solution that I’m going to start putting to use immediately. From now on, every time I see something even a little out of place while driving down the road I’m going to honk. Neon sign with one letter unlit? Honk! Honk! Honk! Fuck you sign, I won’t let you get away with it this time! Then hopefully when a car cuts in front of me or about backs up into my “this is out of place” brain light will go off and I will react like I’ve trained myself to. Maybe I’ll even carry around an air horn for when I’m not in my vehicular, to train myself that way too. If I see some fat, ugly whore wearing hot pink biker shorts I’ll blow the air horn (in a non-homosexual way) to let her know what a disgusting disappointment to her parents she actually is.

Either way, something has got to change immediately because I’m sick of being a non-honker. I’m sick of letting people slide with their bad driving. I’m sick of sitting in an intersection looking like a timid bitch when some asshole runs a red light and flies right in front of me, narrowly missing me and then fleeing into the night, which happened to me just yesterday. I mean, the vehicle that about hit me was an ambulance with flashing lights and the sirens on but still, those assholes need to watch where they’re going, it’s not like where they’re going is more important then where I’m going. They act like it’s a life or death situation or something… Dicks…

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Lacktop

View Comments January 17, 2008 | JoshPerson

Lately I have been in the market for a brand new laptop. My old one is big and clunky and slow and I’ve just decided that I’m fucking done with it. While I was perusing the internets for a new laptop situation I came across Sony’s site and found a laptop that I really, really liked. Plus the specs were customizable so I was all over making it as cheaply powerful as I could. Well I ran into a problem with that model of laptop, the colors. So I sent the following email to Sony’s customer service.

I have reached quite an unusual problem. I am currently in the market for a new laptop, but to my dismay most laptops are hideous. That’s how I found Sony and their shiny, sleek and powerful laptops. Then I found a laptop that fits my needs, the Sony VGN-CR4000. After doing some pretty good research I decided that it’s the laptop for me. The only problem is that I’m not a woman, or gay, so what color am I supposed to pick? I’m not a huge fan of colors with names like Dove, Sangria, Cosmopolitan, Champagne and Indigo. Not only that but the Black looking laptop is actually crocodile skin? wtf? Laptop? More like lacktop, because this model clearly lacks heterosexuality.

So how about a straight, black version? I wanted a 14.1 inch laptop, but I have a feeling if I bought this one I’d look like I wanted a 14.1 inch cock up my ass.

In all honesty I could probably deal with the white one, but if it’s called “Dove” fuck that. Indigo also isn’t that gay because it’s a navy blue style, but all it makes me think of is the Indigo Girls and that’s fucking gay.

Please fix this, I really need a laptop pretty badly.

PS: Are you guys hiring?

That’ll teach them to fuck with me when I’m bored. If by some magical occurrence they send a reply to this I will be sure to post it up in a future blog, but I won’t hold my breath. Also, if you misspell “occurrence” in a certain fashion, spell check thinks you mean “coinsurance.” WTF?

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Overly Friendly Creep

View Comments January 10, 2008 | JoshPerson

I just want to start out by saying “fuck cars”. I have had nothing but problems with my car lately and it feels like at any moment it’s just going to fall apart while I’m driving it. It’s not the funnest thing in the world to be clenching your ass cheeks in terror every second you’re behind the wheel.

Anyways, today I was getting one of my smaller car problems fixed at the Ford Quick Lane when I came across a situation. In the waiting area they have multiple seats, free soda, cookies, bottled water and coffee. It’s really a nice place. After about 5 minutes of waiting this character walks in, maybe the best character in the history of characters. It’s the over friendly, creepy guy! Oh joy!

Right when I see this guy walk around the corner I can tell he’s a fucking disaster. For a super secret picture of this guy click here. Yes, that’s a purple Vikings coat, he was also wearing maroon sweatpants, snow boots and big furry gloves. As soon as he sees another human he opens his mouth and starts talking. What is he talking about, you may be asking yourself? This is what he started off with:

Did you have a good christmas? I had a good christmas. Did you get some good presents? I got the best present, money haha. I got like $1157. Man, this is some expensive coffee. It’s free but just wait till you get your bill.

He’s rambling to some guy with a beard who hasn’t said a word to him. The bearded fellow stands up and walks away. So the overly friendly creepy guy sits right beside this lady. There are 20 seats open and he sits directly right beside her, breaking all human contact laws. Then he starts talking about his $5 at Walmart facemask that is apparently his favorite, because he can’t “afford to lose it” and because he’s able to “wear his glasses underneath it because it’s open across the eyes”. What a fucking weirdo.

Through this whole ordeal I’ve never been so annoyed and entertained in my whole life. I would have probably sliced wrists right there if he was talking directly too me but he never did. He actually seemed to shy away from me, probably because of my rough and tumble intimidating manliness. He was talking to other people and I just could stop myself from eavesdropping. It was so disastrously magnificent!

Finally the worker comes in and tells him his car is ready. Thank god too because the two other people in there started to get up to walk out and I was the only one left sitting there with him. So the guy gets up and walks to the corner but doesn’t so much go around it, as he does straight into it. This guy walks right into the fucking wall, and falls the fuck down. It may have been the single funniest thing I have ever seen. The two other people that were there gasp and try to help him while I stay seated and laugh out loud.

So the guy finally leaves and he’s out of my life forever, or so I think. Twenty minutes later my car is done, I pay and go to drive my car out of the garage. Right as I pull out of the garage I end up right behind the creepy guy who just pulled out of the car wash. The creepy guy is pretty much idling through the car lot with his blinker on, but he’s not turning. Not only that but I’m fucking pissed! This creepy, weird, disappointment to his parents is driving a brand new Toyota car! WTF?!

After all the complainings that I’ve had with my car over the past year and not being able to afford a new one, I see this fucking guy with a brand new car? That just goes to show that there is a God, and he’s either a gigantic smart ass or he just flat out hates me.  I’m leaning towards the latter.

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