Dr. Uncertainty

You may be remembering a blog post from me not to long ago in regards to a recent doctor’s visit. Well, apparently my person hates itself because I’m sick… again. It all started last Friday. As I walked out of the building in which I work I almost immediately came down with a fever, with a side of chills. That’s when I knew it was going to be another fucking awesome weekend.

I spent the entire weekend laying on the couch with a bunch of balled up tissues next to my laptop. At first glance, this may seem normal for an anti-social, self-hating, porn-obsessed human such as myself, but goddamn was this different. First off, my body was too hot from fever and weak to even attempt to abuse little (and I do mean little) Josh, even for a little bit.

I know this seems like opposite day because you’re probably saying “Josh, where’s the kick ass, fuck you, face kicking attitude you usually display for us to giggle our hiney’s off?” First off, only douches say “hiney’s”. Secondly, fuck you, I’m still sick and sweating and freezing at the same time. Plus I’ve been humbled ever since I tried to talk to a hot girl at Hy-Vee yesterday when she said “hi” and I said “how’s it going” in the most raspy, nasaly, mucus throated, alien sounding voice ever. I sounded like Chewbacca getting ass raped by a weed whacker. So sorry if my confidence is a little shattered at the moment.

So as I typically do, I went to the doctor’s office to get a prescription and my confidence back. If I was telling you this story in person I would say “long story short, the doctor bitch totally cock blocked me in the pill intake valve part of my body.” But since this is a written word blog, I’ll just type the whole situation.

After telling the doctor all of my symptoms and wincing because of my horrid voice and sore throat, the doctor just sat silent for a moment. Finally, after writing something in her notepad she looked at me and said “What do you think you have?” WTF? What kind of question is that? If you don’t fix me I know what you’re going to have! Your face kicked off your body, that’s what! But I was too weak to be angry so I responded with “A…thing that…makes people sick?”

Then she started rambling about nonsense out loud like she had no internal dialog and had to talk it all out. She went on, “well it sounds like you could possibly have a upper respiratory disease, and if that’s the case then we have to decide if it’s viral or bacterial. Do you know anyone who has Strep Throat? No? Okay, yeah, definitely an upper respiratory disease. I’m leaning towards a viral one. Generally for that you just want to rest a lot and drink fluids.”

Meanwhile I just sit there fucking bewildered at this ex-meth addict looking whore doctor that somehow must have blown a truck load of cocks to get where she is today. Not only, is she horrible at life, but she also totally stonewalled my prescription. She said that viral infections just sort of have to work themselves out. At least give me something to ease the symptoms so I can get my shit together. For all I know that girl at Hy-Vee could have been “the one” but this bitch of a doctor totally fucked me over with her lack of pill generosity.

Technorati Tags: Doctor, Sickness

Millions of Dollars

Every time the Iowa lottery gets over $100 Million everyone I know starts talking about what they would do if they won. Almost everyone starts out by saying they’d buy a house in a warm weather place and a new car or something equally as generic. When the younger guys are asked they always say something like “hookers and blow, lolz” and I want to shoot them in the face with a penis dart. Yes, my penis shoots darts, which is the first thing I would do if I had millions. I would install a penis dart system of some sort. It’d be for protection from muggers and fatherhood.

One thing I would definitely do with my money would be to carry a thousand dollars in ones in my pocket at all times. No, this isn’t some hack strip club joke in the making. It’s actually quite brilliant. Every time I get into one of my awkward situations with someone, which I tend to get into a lot, I would just take out the wad of money and throw it in the air, creating a cloud of money that will allow me to escape unscathed.

Since I’m generally a hate filled guy another thing I would do is pay people who I hate to let me kick them right in the facial part of their person. I’d go all the way back to kindergarten and up, finding people who made fun of me, or I just didn’t like for whatever reason. I think the first person I would go after is the kid on the little league baseball team who thought it would be funny to fart in my face. Not to mention the pitchers back then who relentlessly hit me near the penile code area with their horribly thrown baseballs. Yeah, fuck those people. Here’s 10 grand and a face kick for your trouble.

Oh man, I just thought of another totally great idea whilst typing this. I would start up a convenience store in my front fucking yard, freshly stocked just for me. It’d be just like any other convenience store, except clean and with smart people working there. Oh, oh, and not only that, but I would have my favorite places to visit, stores, coffee shops, theaters, etc. install my own private restroom! No more stage fright in the urinal system! No more paranoia of the guy next to me gandering at my penis dart gun!

Another thing I would set up is my own private helicopter equipped with pilot and some sort of super, extra loud intercom system attached to the outside of it. That way I can fly around the city that I move to and remind everyone how much better I am than them. Maybe I’ll also drop flyer’s from the helicopter that just say “Josh > You” and then somehow implant a speaker chip like those annoying birthday cards that you open up and they sing to you, but instead of a dreadful song it’ll just be me laughing.

Man, all this writing about what I’m going to do if I win the lottery has me super excited! I’m actually pretty much a lock to win the lottery within the next week or so because not only have I been watching The Secret, but I’ve also been purchasing 5 tickets at a time! I guarantee that I’m the only person who thought of this strategy, as it’s really quite brilliant. Not only that but I’m pretty money desperate at the moment. If I don’t win the lottery sometime soon my life will pretty much be in shambles. I really have no other plans.

Technorati Tags: Lottery, Penis Dart