Ask Josh – September 7, 2008
Alright, it’s time for this Ask Josh thing again. If you’re new and don’t know what this is, it’s a little segment I do to help society. People ask me their serious life questions, and I do my best to give them the most outstanding advice ever. If you have a question check out the “Ask Josh” page for more details.
This week it’s all about the gays. It’s weird because I also have another Ask Josh question I’ll do later that’s gay related. I just want to state, for the record, that at no point am I going to be posting pictures of myself without a shirt on. There, I think I just prevented any more gay questions from coming in. Also, maybe I should stop saying the word “cock” so much…
I am gay. I’m not too sure how you feel about gay people other than our “disgustingness”, but whatever; your opinion is your own. Yes, so I am gay, but not out. Well, out to some (most) people – friends and if a stranger was to come up to me and ask me if I’m gay I’ll answer truthfully. The people I am not out to are my parents. I am dead scared of telling my parents I’m gay. Do you have any advice of how I should go about coming out?
I usually make fun of the entire set up to the question before actually getting to the question, but I’m going to skip that part because I didn’t understand a fucking word of it. You’re out, but you’re not, but you kind of are because you tell strangers and everyone in the world, but not your parents. It confused me about as much as when a gay black stopped me on the street to ask if I was wearing boots. Couldn’t he just look down and see, or is that some gay code for “I wanna butt fuck”?
I think that the best case scenario for you is to have a little fun in coming out to your parents. Here are two ultra easy ways to make it a both fun and completely awkward experience:
1. You go over to your parents house like any normal day. Then you get them both together like you have something really serious to tell them. Then you should say “I just wanted to let you both know that I’m a gay person… Not really, I’m just kidding… But seriously I really love cock. I love it in my face, my ass, on sandwiches, any way I can get it, basically.” I don’t know what this would really prove, but it would make a great story for your next gay convention, or whatever you people have.
2. This one is going to be a little more elaborate, which I know you gays are on board with. You take a video of some dude giving you a GBJ (Gay Blow Job… I don’t think they should even be classified the same as the normal, awesome ones). Then you put it as an email attachment to a bunch of fake email address, and your parents email address so it looks like it was sent to them accidentally. For extra awkwardness, while you’re filming the gross suckage you can say things like “oh daddy, oh daddy”.
Aren’t you gays supposed to be all loud and proud with your “I’m here and I’m queer” attitude? For being a gay guy you’re kind of a pussy, which is weird because I thought you guys hated the stuff. Maybe that’s how homosexuality came to be, all the normal love of pussy got redirected to a different area of your brain so you just act like one, instead of dreaming about them constantly. Damn, I knew I should have become a doctor.
It’s really quite depressing for me that I have no hot female fans sending in boob pictures and offers of sexual acts, but what I do have is gay people sending me questions about their lifestyle. I was thinking about putting up a “Date Josh” application and go over them in blog format, but maybe I should focus this blog towards the gay crowd since it seems to be going over so well with them. That settles it, coming soon to AbsurdlyAwesome.com more glitter, rainbows, and AIDS. Stay tuned!
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