Car Target

Recently I’ve noticed an ongoing trend in my life that began at the same time that I started driving. It all started when I was on the interstate with some friends. I was riding in the backseat when a carload of teenagers started driving directly up our collective ass. They could have easily passed us, but decided it would be a better decision to try and fuck with us.

My friends, of course, noticed this and told me to flip them off. It seemed like a fantastic idea at the time. I went with the casual and sly behind the head flip off, like I was scratching my head. I only like to flip people off in the classiest way possible. This little action caused them to retaliate in the only way that they could. They decided to drive up beside us and start taunting us, which I find weird because are they actually screaming in their car with their windows up or are they just mouthing profanities?

My friend who was driving doesn’t take kindly to these kinds of taunts so he rolled down his window, grabbed the full 32 ounce fountain cola he just purchased and launched it at their car. All I really saw was a ball of ice and syrupy goodness explode on their windshield as they swerved, hammered it, and passed us. I feel that this was the beginning of something that plagues me to this day.It seems like ever since that little interstate incident I am getting things launched at my car left and right. I wasn’t even the fucking gunman, err sodaman, and yet I’m continually getting fucked with.

About one year after this all happened I was driving home at night, alone. I was driving down some back road when a passing car launched a full bottle of soda at my vehicular situation. The cap part of the bottle hit my car which made a loud bang noise. I thought I’d been shot. What the fuck was I going to do though? Turn around and chase them down? Even if I did manage to catch them, then what? Say “excuse me, sirs, but I think you discarded a sodie-pop bottle onto my windshield.” and then doff my hat and go home? Besides, they might have been black and I didn’t want to get robbed and murdered.

Within a year of that incident I both got my car broken into and, a little while later, got tomatoes thrown at my car overnight. Now maybe I shouldn’t count the theft situation, but I hear they shatter your window by throwing some object at it that’s quiet and causes glass to shatter, so it still counts in the throwing tally. The tomato thing, however, pissed me off. I think the guy who did it was a severely overweight mulletted up guy who lived in my building. This guy was a complete disappointment to society. I didn’t have time to launch a full fledged investigation, but I had an inkling.

Most recently I woke up to my car being egged. Some douche fuck a couple weeks ago threw one egg at my car. It hit the top drivers side corner so egg splewed out over my roof and down my window. I also rarely drive, so an entire day had passed before I even noticed, causing it to harden. I figured it’d be a good idea to try and get rid of the hard egg so I went to a gas station to use one of those window washer things by the gas pumps. I had to find a gas station that was completely empty, though, because I’m not letting anyone know I got completely egg fucked.

I found out quickly that this egg situation wasn’t going to be over so quickly as the window washer didn’t even begin to work. After that I decided I should go through a car wash, which also barely worked. I then made an executive decision not to let this egg take any more time out of my day so I did what I do best and said “fuck it”. A couple days later it had rained pretty good so I figured it should be loosened up enough to wipe off. It did in fact wipe, but not completely off. It more or less smeared egg everywhere. To this day I still have a disgusting and smelly egg film all over my drivers side window. Not only that but it totally fucked up the paint on the roof of my car. I feel like I need to sue somebody, but I don’t know how much money chickens make per year.

Technorati Tags: egg, thrown at car, vandalism

Ask Josh – An Asshole’s Guide

I absolutely love answering “Ask Josh” questions. It’s a way for me to give something back to society, even though society has shunned me in general. Seriously, what the fuck has society given me? I’m not bitter, I just think that I’ve done way more for people than I’ve gotten in return. When I was young I was told that if I do good things for people good things will happen to me. So far that theory has been proven to be bullshit, which sucks because the only reason I keep giving is to get something in return. It’s really a completely selfishless act.

Sometimes I’m obligated to be an asshole because of other people’s actions. When a situation like that arises, it feels good to put someone being a douche in their place, but quickly after I feel guilty for being an asshole. You don’t seem to have any problems with this, so, how do you cope?

First of all, you should never feel obligated to be an asshole because of other peoples actions. You should be an asshole because it’s the only way to live in this type of society. Everyone is an asshole in their own certain way, so the only way that you can be better than them is to completely over-asshole them. It really is the only way you’ll get ahead in this world. Even if someone does something nice for you, like buys you a cup of coffee, you have to be an asshole right off the bat because it’s going to lead down that road eventually and you better have a head start.

Let’s say that someone is being a douche, like in your example, and you come back with an asshole-ish retort. There is absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty about your asshole-ishness at all. The reason for this is that they’re already scheming in their own little mind about how they’re going to fuck you over. They may act hurt or offended, but you can guarantee that they’re drawing up plans about how to fuck with you back. Not only should you not feel bad about being an asshole, you should also keep it going. Always stay on the attack and never let your guard down.

Sometimes when you’re just relentlessly pounding some douche with your asshole hammer (that kind of sounds like a grotesque sex toy for gays) you may start to feel guilty, like it may be undeserved. In this case you have to remember what he did to you in the first place, and if that doesn’t work just pretend that he fucked your mom and your sister, and then go fuck his. Also, remember that people, in general, are pieces of shit and the more people you can mentally wipe out with insults, the better. Pretty soon there will only be two types of people in the world, pushovers and assholes. It’ll sort of be like slavery, except instead of judging people based on skin color, you’ll be judging them on their mental weakness.

I’ve never really had any of these problems because I’m a 12th degree asshole. It’s basically the highest degree of asshole that you can attain. It takes some work, a lot of dedication and mental toughness. But if you keep trying and keep putting in the required time, one day you can be just like me and the world will be a better place. Maybe I should start up some online asshole course where I will train people to become better at the art of being an asshole. It’d only take 12 months to get your “Assters Degree”. Even if it didn’t work out it would probably make for the best spam emails ever.

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Technorati Tags: Advice Column, asshole