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Archive for January, 2009

Apartmentally Ill

View Comments January 29, 2009 | JoshPerson

For a while now I’ve been looking at apartments online in cities I would like to move to. I like to check out how much rent prices are in other places just in case I make it big writing, or get a new job and finally move out of the Midwest.  The main thing I look for in a new apartment situation is having a washer and dryer in the actual apartment. I’m so sick of dealing with coin-op laundry that everyone in my building shares and having to schedule times to do laundry when most other people won’t be doing it. Not to mention the occasional old lady who takes my clothes out of the washer and sets them on top of the dryer because I didn’t switch them over in the first 3 minutes of them being done. Oh, and I also look for places that I won’t get stabbed, shot and raped every time I go check my mail. As it turns out, I can’t move anywhere.

Every time I find an apartment that I think I would enjoy there are always a few things I like to check out. One of the first things I look for is what type of cars are in the parking lot in their pictures. If the cars are nice, then I’m good to go. If the cars are old Buicks and Cadillacs I have to do some more research to find out if they are vehicles from old people, or thugs. That’s when I start my venture across a number of apartment review sites in hopes of finding high ratings and good comments… But it’s just not possible.

I was just looking at some apartment reviews today for a place in Las Vegas. From the pictures of the place, and from the listed amenities this place looks fucking ideal. Then I go on an apartment review site and this is what I find:

I have lived here for 3 years. It has been nightmares for me. It is getting worse everyday.

1. The management is very rude; especially the guy name Keith (assisting manager). I do not know why they hire someone like this guy (very unprofessional)

2. You can never feel safe living here: home invasions, car thefts and gun shots happen so often.

3. They shut off water for fixing without telling you. During my stay, they never cleaned or changed the carpet. The ceiling leaked and got stain all over. The AC is noisy and old. The appliants are very old.

I wish I knew this website before so that I could post this earlier.

AVOID THIS PLACE. DON’T BE ANOTHER VICTIM. I will be out of this place soon. I am so happy.

Certainly entire apartment complexes aren’t some fucking lawless society where people just run wild and do whatever they want. Home invasions? Car thefts? Gun shots? I didn’t know that there was a law that stated any crime taking place in an apartment property is out of police’s jurisdiction, but I’m certainly getting that feeling. Not to mention, this person lived there for 3 goddamn years. What, did this person live in an armored tank in the court yard? How is this person able to survive 3 years of gun shots and home invasions? I don’t understand.

It also depends what kind of home invasions we’re talking about here. If it’s the type where a group of hot women break into my place and rape me, I won’t be that upset about it. Maybe this reviewer was either gay or a straight woman and got offended by this. Hell, I’d buy a bunch of used DVD players off eBay and just stack them next to my door, so when they’re done with the raping they can grab one on the way out, as sort of a thank you.

The sick thing is that these types of reviews are common. I’ve seen this type of thing on almost every single apartment complex I’ve researched, and the few that do get high marks are usually outrageous in the rent price department. Typically the reviewer, like the one above, obviously doesn’t know English very well. “The appliants are very old”? I don’t even know what “appliants” are, but I can’t help think that you made shit up because you stopped paying your rent and they want to kick you out.

I’m starting to think apartment reviews are just one big conspiracy. All the super expensive ones have good reviews while the regularly priced ones have horrible reviews. It makes me think those expensive ones charge so much money because they have a smear department where they pay two immigrants to post ridiculous comments about their usually cheaper competition. Or maybe these moderately priced places put these seemingly bad reviews up themselves because they are trying to get weirdos like me to move in with my hot girl rape fantasies. I always wondered why some places listed “DVD player holder (holds up to 50 players)” under their apartment amenities section…

I want to know what you people think about this topic. Where do you find your legitimate apartment complexes that you won’t get pushed down a well by a bunch of hooligans on your daily walk to your car? Hit up the comments and crack an egg of knowledge on me.

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Ask Josh – Foreign Love

View Comments January 25, 2009 | JoshPerson

So this is my first original post for this site, since I made the jump, and I really want it to be a good one. Sure, I could tell a story about when I was 5 years old and thought my eye lids were going to fall off, but I decided to go with a world famous “Ask Josh” post. If you’re new to the site and don’t know what this craziness is then check out the “Ask Josh” page for more details, and submit your question. If it’s not completely lame I’ll think about helping you out.

“I left my country nearly 2 years now;I haven’t found a job even if look for something;I came here also for a man but I found out that he cheat on me & misbehaved very badly about me when I was so sincere & honest with him,I just want to know two things will you think I will found a job very soon & If I will met someone that deserve my love & have respect for me.”

Now typically I would start off by berating the persons grammar, but this lady is clearly foreign. Making fun of foreign people who try to type English is played out and I want to stay away from that kind of lowbrow comedy. So, on to the advice!

Alright, this is bad situations because America economy not strong. Finding job hard. Also, many American man unfaithful to the lady and she be lonely and cry at nights. My advice be to find rich man to make your husband so no work you do anymore. I’m rich, are you a hot? I would very love to make you a wife if you are a sexy and have nice boob. Please send me a picture of your private so I can check for a virus with eyes. I help make you a nice sex.

Alright, that’s enough of that because my head is about to explode. For some reason I was trying to emulate a Russian, because that’s what your email sounds like, but somehow it came out sounding very Japanese to me. I don’t know what the difference is in typed broken English format, but I can somehow tell that there is one. Maybe it’s all the time I spend in sex chat rooms and mail order bride sites.

If you haven’t found a job in the last two years then chances are that you’re not going to find anything now when even unemployed people are somehow getting laid off. Plus, the only job that would seem to suit you is working at some shady, back alley rub and tug. You could also try to join some sort of escort service so you can be making money and searching for love at the same time. It really is the only way to find an honest man these days, anyways.

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Snow Parking

View Comments January 13, 2009 | JoshPerson

Again, I just want to express my disgust with living in a place like Iowa. During the winter we generally get ridiculous amounts of snow. Driving on horribly snowy roads doesn’t really bother me that much because I like to think I have an invisible force field around me that protects my body from crash harm. In the winter months the idea of that force field never leaves my mind. Perhaps that’s why snow storms make me really, really want to get into a gun fight. That and the fact that if there is one snow flake on the road people drive like streets are made out of ice instead of concrete.

The thing that bothers me most about winter, though, is the consistently bad parking situations all across town. When you drive uptown to do a little shopping every store’s parking spots are invisible because of the snow coating. Since nobody can see the lines of the parking spaces people just guess where they would be. All of a sudden you get curved rows of parking, some of which get so narrow that you can’t even drive through. It really shouldn’t be that fucking tough with handicapped poles to start you off on the right track, followed by cart receptacles every 10 spots.

On the home front, I used to have to park on the street in front of my building. When there would be snow storms, plows would come down my street and basically push all the snow into the side of my fucking car. I’d have to be outside for hours trying to dig my car out of that mess, which was fine, at first. The first time I had to do this I didn’t own a shovel, so I waited, staring out my window for someone with a shovel to go outside. Well, the first people who went outside with a shovel on this day were two females. I think, by now, you all know my stance on women… I like to have sexual interactions with them no matter how much of a cold, shriveled penile situation I’ve got going.

So I put on all my sexiest winter storm attire, which just so happens to be neon green snow pants with a 15 year old Miami Dolphins Starter jacket, a blue stocking cap with the little fuzzy ball on top, and of course mittens. I think it accentuates my manliness and my appreciation for fashion throughout the years. As I walked up to these two girls I realized one was super hot, and the other one had the face of a flattened can of soda. I figured my best course of action would be to not even look at the can monster out of fear that my face would be frozen into a grimace because of her ugliness and the bitterly cold temperature.

So I walked up to the hot girl and asked her if I could use her shovel when she was done. After they were done they not only let me borrow a shovel, but they also helped me shovel around my car. We got to talking and it turns out that she worked at a place that’s in direct competition with the place I work… Like I give a fuck about that. We were chatting it up for a while as I had images of drinking cocoa with/banging this girl within 15 minutes. At the climax of the climax in my mind, the fug disaster of a disappointment piped in and mentioned that the hot girl was engaged to be married. Fuck me. I started getting really down on myself before I realized my track record. In the past, and up until today, the only women who are attracted to me are ones that are balls deep in a relationship. So I got my second wind…

I started laying on the charm harder than before, which would seem like mild harassment to the outside observer. From my experience, hot girls love being made fun of constantly because it’s not something other guys generally do. She was eating it up, that is, until we finished the shoveling job. She pulled me aside and said how funny and nice I am (boy did I have this bitch fooled). Then she said that her friend is single and said I should think about asking her out sometime. I immediately snapped into a malicious mindset and decided that this personality facade could go on no longer.

Me: Sorry, she’s not really my type.

Her: Really? What’s your type?

Anger was building, especially with the assumption that ugly girl and I are somehow on the same level, dating-wise.

Me: In a word? Attractive.

Her: Oh come on, she’s cute.

Me: If she was cute she wouldn’t need an attractive friend of hers to trick guys into asking her on a date.

Her: Wow, you’re an asshole.

At this moment she grabbed her shovel out of my hands, turned to her friend and said “let’s go”. I was extremely angry about the situation, but I was even angrier that I couldn’t really find a rebuttal to her calling me an asshole. After all, it’s sort of true. Plus I was at the point of anger where my mind shuts off and I’m on the verge of turning into some sort of robotic punching machine. All I could think of saying was “Yeah, well… At least my car is dug out, bitch”, but it was only a half hearted rebuttal that only I could hear. Disappointed in myself, I figured the only thing I could do was go back inside and use my ice cold hand to pleasure myself thinking about the attractive girl just so I could convince myself that she’s a cold bitch that’s terrible in bed anyways. I showed her.

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