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Archive for March, 2009

Sports Issues

View Comments March 30, 2009 | JoshPerson

Some of you may think that I don’t seem like a big sports guy, because I make fun of everything. How could an awesome and intelligent person like me numb my personality down enough to stare at grown men running around and touching each other for three hours straight? Well first, I would like to mention that I only like really manly sports like hockey and football. I also only watch the professionals. I’m not the type of guy to devote my life to following people’s high school and college sports careers because I’m straight and not a creepy scumbag. With that being said there are plenty of things about sports that annoy me to the point that I begin questioning my sports loyalties.

I’ve gotten to the point now where I can’t talk sports with other people, or participate in any type of online sports forum. I just can’t do it. I used to visit a forum for my favorite football team and it ended up being one of the driving forces in my ever increasing hate for society. After every loss the message board would be filled up with posts saying “We’re terrible, fire all coaches, trade every player, start over!”, and after every win the board would be filled with posts saying “Yes, we’re the best, we can make it to the Super Bowl!”. Overreaction by a bunch of idiots with nothing else in their lives except football. They’re really just grown children and not in a fun, cool, playful way, like me. Their brand of man-child is primarily tantrum and insecurity based and it should be, because they’re fucking idiots.

Sports fans also have a tendency to think they’re part of the action. They get all riled up and ready to get unnecessarily physical in one way or another. Here’s some video evidence of people watching boxing and thinking they’re automatically tough for just being there.

Sort of in the same vein as the video above, I  also despise ultra competitive douches that sports attract. They think that just because they wear their team’s jersey every day that they are actually part of the team. This delusion  breeds screaming and general loudness directed towards the television. It annoys me when I’m walking down the street when a sporting event is on and I hear people in their house screaming for their team. You can usually spot these houses by the gigantic team flags they have flying off of their house.

I’m also not a big fan of fake names. For instance, if your team is playing their biggest rival they usually call the rival by some not-so-clever name like the New England Cheatriots, Buffalo Jills or Dallas Cowgirls. As you’ve probably noticed, most have them are set up to look like girls names. Oh snap! How clever! These guys haven’t came up with an original insult since they were five years old, and even then, they probably got it from overhearing their father on Sundays. Douchebaggery passed down from generation to generation.

Don’t get me wrong, I still get excited when my favorite sports teams are doing well, and some games can be legitimately exciting, but can’t we just calm down and act like adults? Am I supposed to feel ashamed when your team beats mine, like everything about you is legitimately better than me? These people must feel like it’s the only thing they are good at in their lives, being a fan of a winning sports organization. It’s sort of like thinking that you’re a genius businessman because you win the lottery.

I complain, yet I’m still going to have favorite teams, and hope they do well. I realize this seems hypocritical bashing sports fans when I’m one myself. Sort of like how every time I travel somewhere I end up complaining about how stupid tourists are, when I myself am a tourist.The best I can do is root for my favorite teams in the most classy and adult way possible. I’ll drink wine and smoke a fine cigar while possibly even wearing a beret and a monocle. Plus, being composed when there’s 50 jackasses around you hopping up and down, screaming like elephant rape victims, really attracts the ladies.

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Update: Newness

View Comments March 29, 2009 | JoshPerson

In an attempt to get a variety of new content on this site for you to giggle uncontrollably at I’ve started a new thing. It’s called “Dream Interpretation“. Here’s what the page for it says:

We’ve all had ridiculous dreams at some point in our lives. Maybe you’ve had reoccurring monster dreams as a child, or reoccurring dreams where you bang ugly chicks, as an adult. Either way, it’s scientifically proven that crazy dreams are significant to the development of our lives (allegedly). Whether it be foreshadowing an upcoming event, a message from someone in the spirit realm, or just something intriguing that you can tell someone, hopefully blow their mind, and then con them into sleeping with you.

Regardless, you deserve to know the truth about what dreams are trying to tell you. Luckily, I’m pretty damn good with this whole dream interpretation thing and am willing to help you out.

So I urge you to head over to the Dream Interpretation page and fill out the form.

Also, I just added some icons in the sidebar to the right where you can subscribe to my RSS feed, follow me on Twitter, and join the Absurdly Awesome Facebook group type thing.

I should also mention that I recently added an “Archive” page that lists every single one of my blogs. I’ve known some people to read through every one of my posts and this should make it much easier to navigate that amazing feat.

Right now I’m writing about two posts a week, but if you start submitting Dream Interpretations, and Ask Josh questions that number will likely increase. That’s also why you should help promote this site in any way you can. More people visiting and submitting means more content for you to read, and I get fucking famous. That’s an amazing three step plan that cannot fail.

As always, if you have any ideas for new segments, anything that will help the site, multi-million dollar writing offers, or boob pictures, use my Contact form.

Alright, that’s enough self promotion for now. Check back in a day or two when I return to my regular amount of genius.

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Ask Josh – Insanity

View Comments March 26, 2009 | JoshPerson

Hooray! It’s time for another Ask Josh thing again! If you’re new and don’t know what this “Ask Josh” segment is, check out the Ask Josh page for more details. Send those questions in so I keep having things to talk about. It’s only a matter of time before I run out of nonsensical stories about my childhood or awkward convenience store situations. Then I’ll pretty much be forced to talk about my love of quesadillas, fine furs and creepy internet stalking tendencies in every post and my blog gets no hits as it is.

Anyways, here’s the thing:

What is insanity? Is it merely what is different to you? Some people think I’m quite insane, while others would call me normal. I also think some people are insane but, there are people that would argue those people are actually sane. So my question is does insanity actually exist? Or is it just another term for a group of people to sling at another group of people?

I hear you, man. I’ve stumbled across a video recently that makes me question what insanity actually is. It’s a video of Charles Manson answering a question in an interview. Take a peek:

Now, some may say that this guy is fucking insane. I’m not quite sure about that. Aside from being a huge ladies man, he may also be the biggest comedic genius of our time. He makes all the facial expressions of a cartoon bear and for my money there’s nothing more entertaining or hilarious than fake bears in human clothing getting into high jinks.

Insanity really is subjective. For instance, I think every single person on this planet is insane, including myself. Now, I would also like to note that my particular brand of insanity is way better than anybody else’s. It’s a creative and hilarious type of insanity that nobody gets because they’re all insane in a mean, bitter and ignorant way. I’ll give you an example. Sometimes when I’m having a calm and pleasant conversation with someone I’ll just scream “fuck you” in the middle of their sentence. To me, it’s hilarious and probably the highest form of comedy humans are capable of. Then they get angry about it and try to make me apologize, to which I respond “I like crabapples”. Am I insane? Of course, but only in the most awesome and entertaining way possible.

I also want to mention that women have a brand of insanity that is completely different from other people. Their brand of insanity consists of acting like whores and banging around with everyone except me. Then when I bring this up and try to “get me some” they immediately start screaming ridiculous things like “help”, “police” and “physically disgusting”. In a totally unrelated note, their brand of insanity also makes my every interaction with them completely awkward. Nobody knows how to curb women’s insanity and that’s probably why date rape drugs are so popular. Then when the date raper gets caught he’s immediately branded with some type of negative insanity, but if it wasn’t for the woman’s insanity he wouldn’t be in that situation. Another great human injustice brought to life by yours truly. I’m really like a philosopher, except way better. A philjoshopher, if you will.

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