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Archive for April, 2009

Dream Interpretation – Plastic Surgery

View Comments April 30, 2009 | JoshPerson

Here’s another Dream Interpretation for you people. These dreams are really getting more and more strange. I’m really starting to think that my blog attracts people with severe mental disabilities. Either that or I’m just really big in the psychedelic drug crowd. Either way, I’m here to help clear up things in people’s lives, so here we go:

I had just gotten home and I saw that my dog, a st bernard, was in this huge puddle. He was on a chain, it was night time, the water was up to his neck. I went to pull him out when behind me I heard a noise, I turned around and it was a little piglet. I then realized the reason my dog was in the puddle was because he was trying to keep afloat all these piglets that were drowning!!! I jumped in, with my shoes on, that was important in my dream for some reason, and I saved about 10 little piggys. They were bobbing there with their heads under water and I’d pull them out and they’d be all muddy. I was a heroine. I saved the pigs.

My first instinct is that you have a dog face and a pig body, but for some reason you think that it’s masked by what kind of clothes you wear, which is why the shoes seemed so important to you. Obviously clothes can help a disgusting slob like yourself to an extent. You don’t want to be walking around with hot pink bicycle shorts and a local high school sports team tank top. Still though, your best bet is to work harder at Wal-Mart and try to become store manager some day so you can start saving up for some plastic surgeries.

That’s just my initial impression though, and without seeing a picture of your disgustingness I can’t be completely sure. The case might actually be the exact opposite. You might have a serious calling as a plastic surgeon yourself because you rescued disgusting pigs. Also, since they were actually piglets it leads me to believe that you could narrow your focus down a little more to child plastic surgery. It’s a huge, untapped market that you could make a killing from.

Sure, those two instances seem completely contradictory which may lead you to believe that I don’t know what I’m talking about, but the fact is that I still maintain genius status. You see, the most likely scenario is that both are true. You’re a fat, disgusting slob who has a calling as a plastic surgeon. Now, I know you’re thinking “who would want plastic surgery from a dog faced pig body?” That’s simple. Children. Children are stupid and not judgmental at all. They’re born with this sort of unbiased, loving mind, which is really a shame. It takes years of conditioning to teach them to judge, mock and be cruel to people. With that being the case they also won’t know that they’re hideous and therefore won’t elect to get surgery themselves, so you’ll have to get a little creative.

You’re going to have to steal them. Sure it could be seen as kidnapping, but once they see the results everyone will be ecstatic about finally being able to see some good looking children. After the parents see their kid transformed from a disappointment with a punchable face to a sexy, up-and-coming movie star they will be grateful and willingly give you thousands of dollars for your services. Who knows, you may even get your own reality show on E! someday. Besides, with the progression of America in the last 10 years this is basically the new American dream.

To get your dream interpreted just fill out the form on the dream interpretation page.

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Special Day

View Comments April 21, 2009 | JoshPerson

So today is probably the biggest day in American history, my birthday! Yes, I turned 25 today. It really should be some indication that I should start “growing up” or becoming “an adult”, but I really don’t think that’s going to work out. I couldn’t imagine living my life like I know what I’m doing, so why should I fake it?

How am I going to celebrate my fantastic milestone? I don’t know. I’ll probably end up doing what I do on any other day except I’ll check my Facebook page every 5 minutes to see if I’ve gotten anymore birthday wishes. I’ll also coyly try to slip in the fact that it’s my birthday into every conversation I have today. Yeah, I’m one of those creeps.

Since it’s my birthday I’m not going to put the trouble into making this a full-fledged regularly awesome blog post. In fact, I probably won’t post another regular blog post for the rest of the week. I’ll use this birthday excuse to take a few days off, recharge my batteries and work on some other small writing related projects like guest articles for other blogs and finishing a short script. All of which have a very good chance of never seeing the light of day. So, it’s totally worth it.

I am, however, going to mention some things that you can do to make it my best birthday ever! The first thing you can do is donate some cash money. Sure, it’ll probably end up going towards purchasing temporary love, but at this point it’s really more of a need than a want. So if you’re a fan of the site and want to show some support, or if you hate my site but just love giving gifts then please help the site/me out.

Another thing you can do is help spread the word of this blog by dropping flyers for the site from a helicopter over major metropolitan cities. Or you could just post a link to this blog on your blog, tell people on Twitter or Facebook about it or hire a group of Mexicans to hand out Absurdly Awesome business cards on the Las Vegas strip.

As always, be sure to submit your Ask Josh questions or Dreams you want interpreted in their respective forms. You’ll get some knowledge dropped on you and help create content for the site all at once. Or you could just submit anything you like on my regular, old contact form, like opportunities, wishes and pictures of your boobies.

Alright, that’s enough self promoting for now. I said I wasn’t going to put up another blog post this week, but there is a chance I might. If not, I’ll be back next Monday with my regular amount of awesomeness.

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Weekend Video Time

View Comments April 18, 2009 | JoshPerson

This weekend I was lucky enough to find two videos to comment on. They both sort of fall into the same category as last weekends video as they both contain music. I don’t know what it is about overweight people getting way too into music, but I am absolutely in love with the whole concept.

This first video is some kid with boobs that can only be described as “implant-y”. Not only is this funny because he’s fat dancing with his shirt off, but he also seems to be a complete psychopath.

These types of videos make me sort of paranoid because I once read a story about how hackers get into your computer and watch you through your own webcam when it’s not even on. It actually seems pretty reasonable when it comes to why these people feel the need to embarrass themselves in front of the entire planet. It could just be hackers. If that’s the case, I’m sure it won’t be long before you see a five minute montage of all my jerk off faces on YouTube.

I guarantee that this kid will never get laid unless there is some sort of rape involved. Wait, never mind. I think I found this kid’s soul mate:

Sure, there’s an age difference that some may call “illegal”, but I think the courts should really take it easy on these two. Sure it could be considered statutory rape, but in reality neither of these people are likely to find anyone else to sex up for the rest of their lives. Statutory rape shouldn’t really be an issue for disgusting slobs. They should be able to get whatever they can whenever they can because their playing field is pretty grim. That, and because they’re likely to die in a toilet by 35 or hit a bout of depression so bad that they won’t be able to get out of their bedroom unless there’s a wall removed.

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