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Archive for May, 2009

Dream Interpretation – Rollercoaster Bus

View Comments May 14, 2009 | JoshPerson

Another week, another dream interpretation. This one was kind of long so I had to cut a lot so people would actually read it. As always, send your dream in and get it interpretized.

Lindy (my sister) and I were together and we came upon a bus. From the outside it looked really run down and I didn’t even realize it was a bus at first, when  she got on it. Lindy came back out and told me there is something really cool on the bus and I should come take a look. I go in and to my surprise it is a fairly clean and nice bus.

I sat, got settled then noticed a weird lever at the back of the seat in front of me.  After a bit, the person in front started to fidget with the lever. She pulled it and in an elaborate mechanism the seat transformed into a standing bed with straps around the person so they can sleep upright. This is what Lindy wanted to show me that was cool about the bus. Lindy and I also got our seats to readjust into beds.

The bus then magically transforms into a rollercoaster. The rollercoaster was in the sky over a tropical locale. I got the feeling that it was Mexico. As the ride went faster the sleepers eventually dislodged from their fixed place and flew freely above the ride (imagine kites, with people on them, attached to a rollercoaster ride).

Me and the other people were having a great thrill, until I noticed Lindy’s harnesses coming loose. The other passengers’ were too and figured so were mine. People began falling out and Lindy went down. They weren’t falling to their deaths though. A large open body of pristine water, and attendants were waiting below on the ground and in the water. Then mine broke, I dived down towards the water. When I splashed in one of the attendants said that that was “the best one” (dive?) she saw all day.

Then the dream went weird towards conclusion: Lindy, myself, and a few other people regrouped on the shore. One of the guys said his house is just around the area and we should go with him to help to create craft pieces (painted slabs of rocks) that we can sell.”

Whenever I think of a rollercoaster I always think of this hilarious picture of what seems to be a scared Myrtle Urkel:

scary-rollercoaster-ride1

The first thing I noticed about this particular dream is how blatantly confused I was during the first paragraph. For some reason when you said your sister “got on” the bus I mentally pictured her climbing on top of it, and since all women are hot in my visions she started doing a sexy pole dance. After I came back to reality two hours later I finally figured out what you meant.

I think the fact that bus seats turned into upright beds on a rollercoaster means you like to sleep around, especially if the rollercoaster had loops in it. In this case the fright that you feel when your seat belts come undone is really the same type of fear you get immediately after sexing a stranger, that of an STD.

That fear quickly diminishes, however, when you get “in the mood” again and you do an olympic type dive into another pool of sex where you go off with some artsy creep who wants you to play with his rocks. So if I can give you some “Ask Josh” type of advice it would be to quit being such a goddamn whore. Oh, and you should give me your sister’s phone number so we can bang it out talk about how she can help you with your sex addiction.

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The Cashier Backhand

View Comments May 11, 2009 | JoshPerson

It’s nice to know that whenever I’m starting to get a bit of writer’s block I can always count on convenience stores to  give me an interesting story to write up. The writer’s block has been so bad lately that I actually contemplated getting a part time job at a convenience store, but then I realized I’m not a 45 year old woman who has replaced her hopes and dreams with a two pack per day habit and children who no longer talk to her.

Today was one of those fantastic instances where I knew my convenience store visit was going to be special as soon as I walked in the door. The first thing I saw was an 80 year old man wearing a suit and using a pimp cane. He looked like a friendly old man and since he was all dressed up I figured he was on his way to church. The old man was talking to the cashier who was probably in his 30′s, had a punchable face and gave off the aura of being a complete dick.

After I took a few steps into the store I honed in on their conversation like what they were about to say could save millions of lives, or teach me the secret of increasing my “length”.  This is the conversation that I overheard:

Cashier Dick: That’s when she said “fine, hit me then you son of a bitch”.

Old Man Pimp Cane: So what did you say?

Cashier Dick: I said, “I’m not afraid to backhand a woman who’s acting like that”. You see, that’s how I was raised, if a woman gets out of line you just smack her around a little bit.

Old Man Pimp: Yeah, that’s how I was raised too. I think it’s good for them. So did you hit her?

Cashier Dick: No, I just slammed the door and left and went back to the bar. Then I ended up sleeping with some girl from there.

Old Man Pimp: (laughing) That’ll teach her…

Cashier Dick: Yeah, it better.

I just want to mention that during this entire conversation I was inconspicuously staring at the sunflower seeds as if I was pondering which brand would better my life. I was also half hoping that if I didn’t make any sudden movements I wouldn’t interrupt their award winning conversation.

Anyways, after a few more minutes of generic weather talk the old man left and I paid for my things while trying not to laugh, or high five the cashier who I now also refer to as “My New Hero”. It’s really hard not to respect someone who is man enough to slap weakly women around. I have no idea what this woman said to my new cashier buddy to make him almost get violent, but I would imagine it’s something completely rational like not having dinner ready on time or not having his “Saturday shirt” washed and ironed for “sports bar time”. Either way, you can’t disagree with real manly men who solve all of their problems with alcohol and violence.

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Weekend Video Time – Gigantic Creep

View Comments May 9, 2009 | JoshPerson

Over the years I have interacted with people who have various levels of creepiness. Imagine the creepiest people you’ve ever met, or even seen online and then roll them all up into one gigantic creep. That’s what we have in this video. The video is kind of long so I probably won’t write much about it, plus it’s hilarious enough on its own. Here you go:

Hopefully, and most likely this is a complete joke and the guy making this video is as much of a genius as he portrays himself as a creep in this video. It can’t possibly be real, right? Recycled semen? Adult diapers? The only thing that throws me off is the amount of toys and colorful garbage in that room and the horribly grainy video quality. That level of detail alone is enough to make me think this is real. I’ve never been so confused and amused in my whole life.

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Women Are Confusing

View Comments May 7, 2009 | JoshPerson

Like any handsome, charming and all around completely awesome male I’ve had my share of opportunities with women. The only problem is that I wouldn’t know if a woman was throwing herself at me unless she lined up in a super sized sling shot aimed right at my love making device. Even then I’d probably just think “she’s not throwing herself at me, she’s slinging herself at me and she’s probably doing that just to hurt me in some way”.

I don’t think that my confusion with women’s signals is completely my problem. Sure, once I thought a stripper was in love with me and I also think every waitress is hitting on me because she wants to serve me like her king, but for the most part I can differentiate fairly well. The main problem I run into is women who are completely contradictory. I’m not talking about subtle contradictions or body language contradicting words. I’m talking about saying “I will never have sex with you” then leaving and calling me on the phone saying “I wanted to jump you so bad”.

These contradictions aren’t only shown in the words women use, but also in the nature of every situation I have with them. When I was in a relationship I had hot, single women hitting on me constantly. Once I got out of that relationship, all ready to party with groups of clamoring whores, all these women disappeared. I actually think that every available woman moved out of this town. It’s not like my face got in a car accident with a train and scared them away. If anything I’ve gotten more handsome, awesome and longer, with time.

Not only did all single women skip town, but all the married, kidded up women have opened their eyes to my blatant manliness. Don’t get me wrong, some of these women are actually pretty hot, but there are boundaries. As much of an asshole as I seem to be I don’t think I could possibly bang someone’s wife. That’s why I try to get myself into situations where I can’t possibly say no, basically taking my rational mind out of it so I can’t really blame myself for a bad decision as I’m not making decisions at all.

Even with this half-assed attempt to bed down one of the hot marrieds, I’ve still never closed a deal. I’ve been close, but then they start with the word contradictions. I had a hot married over at my place one day and she actually came out and said “I couldn’t have sex with you”. Ouch. We hung out a while longer and then she left. That’s when she called me on the phone and said that she wanted to jump me so bad and she was waiting for me to make a move. Was her turning me away at first really a green light? Or was my shutting down and playing video games after her original claim what really turned her on?

I guess I could have ignored her original claim of not wanting to have relations with me, but I was under the impression that I could get thrown in jail for rape. Apparently that’s not the case, though. Apparently every girl I’ve ever met has wanted me badly because they all say that they’d never have sex with me, or that I’m an idiot asshole, or that I’m physically repulsive. That’s why I’ve made an elixir to fix women who constantly contradict. It’s called “Awesome Juice”, which is really just three Capri Suns in a glass mixed with a half bottle of Tylenol PM and a pinch of bleach. It works like a charm.

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