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Archive for May, 2009

Celeb Bashing – Foxx Hole

View Comments May 6, 2009 | JoshPerson

Alright, this is the final day of this little Celeb Bashing thing I’ve been posting that I wrote a while back. Hopefully you enjoyed it, but if not it’s officially over. That is, unless these go over well then I might write new ones every once in a while just for fun (see the poll below). Also, remember to come back tomorrow for a new regular blog post where I’ll talk about how confusing/stupid women can be. It’ll be fun.

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Some people think that Jamie Foxx would be good at playing Barack Obama in a movie, or something:

“The actor, who imitated Barack Obama at the We Are Once kick-off concert at the Lincoln Memorial on Sunday, seemed ready to portray the President-elect.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Foxx tells Usmagazine.com at the Declare Yourself event at the Renaissance Hotel in Washington, D.C. on Sunday. “He’s going to do his own movie for the next four to eight years.”

He added: “It’s going to be incredible.”

Foxx, who recently began discussing politics on his Sirius radio show called The Foxxhole, tells Us that his listeners have responded to Obama’s message.”

I guess the real story here is that Jamie Foxx is gay now. Being gay is really the only reasonable explanation to referencing your “hole” in the title of your radio show. I would imagine his radio show is basically people calling in and telling him what black people in history he should play in a movie… That and a lot of gay anal sex references. I also think that if there was a movie about Obama it should be played by Samuel L Jackson, because he’s really not in enough movies. Plus, the idea of our president saying “mutha fucka” constantly would make me truly proud to be an American.

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Celeb Bashing – Amy Winehouse Almost Dead

View Comments May 5, 2009 | JoshPerson

Here’s the second celebrity article I wrote a while back, as promised. There will be one more of these posted tomorrow and then a brand new regular blog post that will be up on Thursday. Hopefully you find these somewhat amusing, but if you think they’re bullshit then just hang on, it’s almost over. Let me know what you think of these in the comments or on my contact form.

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Apparently Amy Winehouse has been near death twice because of her addiction to every drug on the planet, including some that haven’t been invented yet, however that works. This is what her father told People:

“Amy Winehouse came “close to death” twice during her worst moments, says her father.

Detailing his daughter’s lowest points for the upcoming TV documentary Saving Amy, Mitch Winehouse says that while the media have been reveling in her downfall, “They didn’t see her lying in bed for days in a dark room,” he is quoted in Hello! magazine.

“She was close to death twice. We have been working a lot to get her to where she is right now,” said the elder Winehouse, who now claims his daughter is drug-free.“

I actually got word that she’s been dead for months now and that Columbian drug lords were using her body to transport drugs like some sort of ultra sexy, drug fueled version of Weekend at Bernie’s. I’ve also heard that if you play connect the dots with the track marks on her arm it actually forms a heroin filled syringe. Which story sounds the most fake? I don’t know. I’d probably have to go with the one that says she’s been close to death only twice.

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Celeb Bashing – Jenny McCarthy Is Sympathetic

View Comments May 4, 2009 | JoshPerson

A little while back I did some sample articles for a very popular celebrity gossip site. Don’t worry, it’s not like I give a shit about this kind of stuff. The site is more making fun of how stupid celebrities are and it isn’t really censored so it would have been great for me. Needless to say after a few emails from the site saying “these are really great, you’re a good writer” they just stopped replying to me.

So this week, I’ll post those three sample articles here on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday plus a new, regular blog post on Thursday. If you think these are retarded then you might want to sit out for a couple days and come back when everything is back to normal. Again, these were from months ago so they may be a little dated now, but you get the point.

Anyways, here goes the first one:

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In a move that gets filed under the “This should surprise nobody and we don’t really give a shit” category, Jenny McCarthy has spoken out about the dead and allegedly (or something) autistic son of John Travolta.

“When I first heard the news about Jett, I slowly kind of sat down… because my heart went out to them – you know, such compassion and understanding for what they’ve gone through,”

“Last year, Evan had another seizure where he seized for seven hours on and off and we had to put him in a coma for four days so he wouldn’t go into cardiac arrest,” Jenny revealed. “So looking at Jett, I cried out of fear for my own son, and for, I can’t even tell you how many children, with autism.” Jenny told Access Hollywood.

I know when my heart goes out to something I quickly stand up, so just knowing that she slowly sat down makes me think she’s full of shit. She probably slowly sat down because she just got plastic surgery again and didn’t want to tear anything open. It’s also kind of sad that this is the first semi-attractive woman to give Jett Travolta any attention. After all, the kid was probably locked in a dungeon his whole life. If Jenny really cared about Jett’s situation, instead of just using his death as a ploy to get in front of the cameras and say “hey, I’m still relevant”, she would have at least sat him down once or twice and given him a lesson about what silicone feels like.

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Weekend Video Time – Fat Factory

View Comments May 2, 2009 | JoshPerson

It seems as though these weekend videos are all related as I go on. First it was a bunch of talentless nothings trying to make a music video, then it was disgusting fat disappointments singing and dancing to terrible music, now it’s just a fat family making a little home movie type situation:

The first thing that caught my attention in this video is the blatant child abuse right at the beginning. If you’re a 600 pound fat factory you should get prison time for laying on children and that should be raised to a life sentence for trying to make one of them grope you. We live in a world where people who like to do a little bit of drugs get thrown in jail, but obese monstrosities get to walk around free.

Sure, you could point to the fact that people who do drugs can endanger lives while driving, but I would make the case that fat people are even more of a driving liability. These people can barely walk, let alone move their tree trunk legs fast enough to push pedals. The reason why this isn’t really one of the big issues in driver safety is because when these sickening monstrosities hit you with all that added weight you’re automatically vaporized so there is absolutely no evidence of it even occurring.

I would also like to call attention to another form of child abuse that takes place in this video. Telling young, impressionable children that “fat is where it’s at”, basically convincing them that an extremely unhealthy lifestyle is best. Also, saying that boys don’t go after fat girls only because their friends will make fun of them is probably the most hilarious thing I’ve ever heard. Maybe “immature guys” don’t go after fat girls because they’re physically repulsive. Or maybe it’s because the guy doesn’t want to have to rent a forklift to put them in the back of a pickup truck every time they want to go to Wal-Mart to buy more Little Debbie snack cakes and 24 packs of Diet Coke.

I have an idea. How about you put in a little work and have some fucking self control from the first day you realize “hey, maybe I’m not supposed to get winded from standing up”. If you can manage to do that then you would have the opportunity to bang around as much as you’d like instead of trolling truck stops, bowling alleys and Mexican mail order groom sites.

If you know of a good video that you would like to see me make fun of just send me the link on my contact form.

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