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Archive for June, 2009

Car Searching Sucks

View Comments June 22, 2009 | JoshPerson

I’ve been on this kick lately where I want to upgrade certain areas of my life. I’m not talking personality-wise, because let’s face it, I’m amazing. I’m talking about stupid consumer goods. The biggest thing I want to upgrade in my life currently is my car. The car I drive is a complete piece of garbage and looks like something a poor 16 year old girl would drive:

96 Pontiac Grand Prix red

Yeah, that’s my vehicular situation currently. Not exactly what a semi-self-respecting 25-year old male should be driving. It’s not even that I’m being picky because of its style, because honestly, I don’t really give a care. The fact is, my car is slowly disintegrating into sand. I can’t even drive uptown to Target without almost passing out from the fear of my fucking tires falling off. Not only that, but the town that I live in is completely boring and I’d like to be able to drive out of it at some point. With the car I have I really don’t want to risk it.

“So what, buy a new car, idiot asshole.” Yeah, I know. The problem with me is that I don’t want to buy another car that’s going to fall apart as soon as I drive it off the lot, but those sketchy cars are really the only things in my price range currently. That makes it really depressing looking for new cars, which in theory should be exciting.

I also have the problem that when I start searching online for cheaper, but decent cars I end up looking at cars that are about $5,000 out of my price range, at least. Then I get so into looking at those beautiful cars I find it extremely hard to go back and look at cheaper cars. I get caught up in my fantasy world where I can afford any car on the planet, but think I’ll keep it reasonable and buy a fucking Civic.

Sure, I could afford some new cars from manufacturers like Kia, but I end up going off on a rant to myself every time I look at them. How can a car made in 2006 not have fucking cruise control or anti-lock brakes? It can’t be a huge cost to the manufacturer to add those on every model and not just as a special option on the “pimped out” model. It makes no sense to me. Leather seats, sun roofs, these should be upgradeable options, not wanting a steering wheel with my car (slight exaggeration).

Then, let’s say I do find a decent, newer-ish car that just fits into my budget. Then what? I get a car to drive places that I can no longer afford to do anything at. Hooray! What a funtastic time! It’ll probably sit unused for such long periods of time that it will begin to run like shit, then fall apart leaving me extremely fist f’d.

Yeah, I realize people are losing their jobs everyday and can’t afford food or medicine for their kids, but who cares. You think that’s real pain? What the hell do you think will happen when my car inevitably fails and I can’t go to Target to buy the latest video game? The goddamn universe will probably implode, that’s what (It’s true. I read it on the internet).

Site Stuff (Please Read!):

There may or may not be a new blog posts on Thursday and Saturday. I’m going to be sort of busy with some things, so it’s kind of up in the air.

Also, I want to thank those of you who sent in donations last week to help with hosting bills. It’s appreciated.

I’ve once again started thinking about adding a forum to this site. Would you participate?

Also, how would you feel about writing an interpretation of a dream of mine like I do with others? Flip-flop reverse style. Would you write one up?

Use the comments to let me know.

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Weekend Video Time – Racism

View Comments June 20, 2009 | JoshPerson

When I go back and watch TV shows that I used to watch when I was just a little boy my mind immediately gets blown. It’s amazing what children’s TV shows and movies could get away with just 15-20 years ago. For instance, I just watched an episode of the cartoon David the Gnome and was shocked to find the main character smoking a weird pipe and talks about things most adults couldn’t understand today. Then, you have stuff like this:

According to Warming Glow, this is a clip from an old PBS show in the 80′s called “Many Voices, Many Visions”. Before I read what this video actually was I just assumed that the “little black boy” was really a boy with naturally curly hair, but it’s actually a girl. I should have realized that it was a girl when the very first insult was “you’re a boy”, but I thought that kid was just stupid and making an observation. If this kid didn’t want to look like a boy, it wouldn’t wear goddamn loose jeans and a baggy polo. It’d also help to blow up some balloons and put them in her shirt where boobs will eventually go.

Sure, some people would call the part where the mom says “it’s not like you’re really black”, completely racist, but I think it’s just good parenting. I can’t tell you how many times I was depressed when I was younger and the only thing that would cheer me up is when my mom came in my room with a popsicle and said “Just think, no matter how bad your life gets, at least you’re not black, so cheer up.” It got me through some really hard times.

This clip is just filled with unbelievability, to me. When I was younger I had extremely curly hair that everyone thought was permed and nobody compared me to a black person. Plus, I actually had black people in my school to be compared too, unlike this show which probably didn’t feature anything but whites. How are kids going to throw out insults about something they don’t even know exists? It’s the sloppy writing that offends me more than anything.

I bet the creators of this show are absolutely shocked these days that white people actually try to look and act black on purpose, instead of doing it accidentally and then getting ridiculed for it. That is, if they’re still alive after they got arrested for hate crimes and survived multiple shanking attempts in the prison yard.

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News Thing – Panty Thief

View Comments June 18, 2009 | JoshPerson

In my quest to bring hard hitting news that everyone needs to know about, I bring you this lovely story. Stay informed, people. You can’t expect to change the world if you don’t know what’s going on in it.

Here’s the story:

Puerto Rico police said they have arrested a man accused of snatching 88 pieces of underwear from a neighbor’s clothesline. The man was charged with theft and illegal appropriation. Police said Wednesday that he returned all $1,000 worth of underwear to the woman.

They said he stole the items from his 29-year-old neighbor over a period of several months in the rural town of Orocovis. She apparently had to keep buying more to replace those that vanished from her line.

He was jailed Tuesday pending a $20,000 bond.

This story has a higher level of hilarious unbelievability than any other news story I’ve ever read. I’ve read news stories about stupid rednecks getting abducted by aliens that were more logical than this.

First of all, I’ve never heard underwear referred to as “pieces” before unless they were torn to shreds by an over-excited me. That’s a whole new level of pervert when you need 88 pieces of panties just to get off. It makes me wonder what this creep’s cut-off is. What number does he have to get to before he says “welp, this should do it”? Besides, they were hanging on a laundry line so it’s not like they’re freshly scented by woman unless they got wet some other way, besides washing, but I can’t even comprehend a scenario where that would happen unless the girl was extremely careless with her beverages.

I actually think that the woman is partly, if not mostly, responsible for this ridiculousness. How the hell is she going to allow 88 of anything be stolen over several months? I had a Netflix movie stolen out of my mailbox once when I was attempting to send it back and I immediately started taking them to those giant blue drop boxes around town.

Plus, what is she doing hanging up panties outside? With that $1,000 panty investment she could have bought a fucking dryer like a normal human. I mean, she’s from Puerto Rico and I imagine any place outside of America people live in dirt huts, but if you have a $1,000 panty budget I’m not going to have any sympathy for you. Plus you could have just gone without panties if you wanted to be a real sweetheart. Look at TMZ once in a while, everyone is sans panties these days. It’s really the only respectable way to make a living and a name for yourself all at once.

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