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Archive for July, 2009

Facebook Frustrations

View Comments July 20, 2009 | JoshPerson

I admit, I was a little late to the online party called Facebook. I joined up a little over a year ago and pretty much let it sit dormant for months. Even when I logged on, it was usually just to cyber stalk some broad I met. Lately, though, the Facebook business has been booming. I’m now very unproud to announce that I’m Facebook friends with pretty much everyone I know in real life. I can’t have that.

If you haven’t noticed by some of my previous blog posts I can be a bit vulgar, insane and just all-around “asshole-ish”. So where does that leave me when all of a sudden I have co-workers and grandmas sending me friend requests? Fucked, that’s where. Sure I have other family members on Facebook too, but I don’t mind most of them because they actually understand what I’m talking about and laugh, or at the very least, tolerate me. Most of them even know about this site and enjoy it, which is great.

I guess I’m just sick of seeing the parade of ridiculousness right when I log on, which usually consists of Jesus quotes and generic nonsense. Since I’m sort of bewildered that people still choose to believe in Christianity, it sort of bothers me when I see quizzes like “What Bible Character Are You?” or random bible verses in status updates. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t completely lost respect for people who take part in this Facebook Jesus pimping like they’re trying to show off.

Speaking of losing respect for people, I can’t help but cringe and automatically unfriend people whose profiles are completely in “text speak”. Text speak, to me, shouldn’t even be tolerated in the text message medium, particularly since that seems to be the main way of communicating these days. I also want to mention that this text speak is typically used by the aforementioned Christians. It’s this phenomenon that actually turned me off to Christianity first, simply because I can’t imagine a scenario where Jesus returns and is greeted by millions of idiots Twittering “OMG Jeezus”.

Along the same lines of idiocy I would say only one thing could top what I’ve already mentioned. The amounts of generic quotes and conversations I see on Facebook at any given moment are enough to make me want to click the “Close Account” button on my own life. Actually the generic quotes of “teach a man to fish” are simply not as horrendous as the follow up comments that are only affirming the original posters notion that it’s the deepest quote ever written. But who am I to complain? Maybe I should just “keep my eye on the prize” and “treat people how I want to be treated”.

Perhaps I’m the one who needs to change my views to be more positive and accepting of other people’s actions. Maybe I’m just way out of line. After all, I’m probably in the minority on this one and the majority is always correct, right? Wait, I just checked my Facebook account and was sent a cross, rose and mojito in the time it took me to write this article. I stand behind my original proclamation, which was basically “fuck these people”.

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News Thing – Swearing Pain Away

View Comments July 15, 2009 | JoshPerson

A new study has just been completed that will probably change the world as we know it. Never before has there been such a worthwhile experiment to open our minds and tell each and every one of us something we don’t already know and haven’t even thought of.

Here’s the story from LiveScience:

That muttered curse word that reflexively comes out when you stub your toe could actually make it easier to bear the throbbing pain, a new study suggests.

The researchers enlisted 64 undergraduate volunteers and had them submerge their hand in a tub of ice water for as long as possible while repeating a swear word of their choice. The experiment was then repeated with the volunteer repeating a more common word that they would use to describe a table.

Contrary to what the researcher expected, the volunteers kept their hands submerged longer while repeating the swear word.

You’re kidding me, right? You mean swearing increases pain tolerance? Never have I heard such a thing! Every time I injure myself by, let’s say, walking face first into a door at night, I always scream out something like “sweater vest!” Man, maybe I should spend more money on swear word dictionaries rather than night lights and Advil.

I’m just in a state of disbelief right now. I mean, there’s no possible way that swearing increases pain tolerance. If it did, what would be next? Swearing yourself alive from being dead? Who needs pain medication for serious ailments when we can just create a self induced case of Tourette’s? What does this mean for our beloved pharmaceutical companies now? Probably a bail out, I would imagine.

Alright, enough of this charade. I have some pain that I need to tame, myself. The type of pain that can only be brought on by a stupid fucking article that tells nobody anything new at all. Is this all it takes to become a “scientific author” these days? Because I’m looking for paid writing gigs constantly and I have a scientific article about how sitting on a couch is more comfortable than sitting on a porcupine that would blow your mind.

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Movies Ruin Lives

View Comments July 7, 2009 | JoshPerson

When motion pictures were invented they were meant to create entertainment and spread joy, or at least I would imagine. I guess they could have been invented to record the torture of brown people or kittens or something equally as evil. Well, the latter may as well be true, because movies have relentlessly tormented my soul and my secrets since I was a child.

Don’t get me wrong, I love cinema, just in a more private manner than most, and I’m not talking about the types of movies I take my pants down and cover my room in plastic sheeting for. First of all, I will not go to the theater to see movies in the action or comedy genres. These are the two genres that attract the idiots most likely to yell during the movie and then either make fun of me or try to fight me afterward. It’s really just too much of a hassle to block out all the crowd noise during these films and then hide under my seat on the unnecessarily sticky floor after it.

As far as watching films at home with another human goes, it suddenly turns awkward in no place else except my mind. You see, I must have retard ears or something because I’m a complete volume freak show. During any given movie I will adjust the volume at least 500 times all the while hoping the people I watch the movie with either aren’t noticing or are not going to bring it up afterward to embarrass me. I’m fragile.

Sure, you could make a case for these problems being with my own neurosis and not with movies in general, and to that I say “The Truman Show”. I can’t be the only one whose life was ruined by this piece of shit movie. This movie has terrified me from the moment I saw it and continues to do so every single day. I can’t help but think that there are hidden cameras all over my apartment and people are watching/judging me on a constant basis. It’s really a struggle for me because sometimes I like to walk around punching and kicking the air and I watch some adult movies that some may deem “weird” or “illegal”. So every time The Truman Show thought kicks in after I do something ridiculous I just giggle and say out loud “Ha, I’m just joking, I know you’re watching everything, it’s cool.”

At first it was kind of cool, entertaining millions of these voyeurs, but I think it’s starting to wear on me. I need my alone time, goddamn it! I’m tired of making myself laugh with a silly thought in my head, and then having to express that though out loud so everyone knows that I find someone going to a glory hole and sticking a fake dick through the hole instead of a real one, funny. Then I have to explain how my brain came up with that so they don’t all think I’m insane or something. I’m not insane, right?

Sure this may seem “crazy” or “completely fake” to some people, but most people still believe in Christianity and that seems a shade crazier than this. At least in my completely insanity filled mind and world the home viewer can’t hear all of my thoughts and then send me to a made up Mario level-like fire world because of them.

Blog posts are going to continue to be sporadic for a little bit as I’m on sort of a summer blog break. If you want more then send in some Ask Josh questions and/or dreams for Dream Interpretations… Or send me money.

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