Celeb Bashing – Shauna Sand Sex Tape

I’m not one for creating holiday specific posts, but this one time I’m going to make an exception. Since it’s close to Halloween time I figured I would post something that should scare the hell out of you. Shauna Sand is the next “celebrity” to come out with her own sex tape. Don’t know who Shauna Sand is? Yeah, me neither, so read on.

Shauna Sand, cougar extraordinaire and ex of Lorenzo Lamas, is the latest and, arguably, the oldest celeb to star in her own commercially released sex tape. The self-proclaimed 38-year-old (clears throat), a mother of three, would not be outdone by onetime adult stars Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. She will have her X-rated coming out via Shauna Sand Exposed, a DVD getting released by leading porn maker Vivid on Wednesday, the company announced today. (LA Weekly)

Sure, she’s an ex-Playboy model, so how scary could it be? Oh yeah, she looks like she was built by some nerd scientist in an effort to make a female sex robot version of Howard the duck, mixed with a hint of zombie.

I know what you’re saying, “but, being a Playboy model, she’s got to at least have a great body, right?” I saw the trailer for this disaster and can’t seem to make up my mind about her body. In some shots her implants look they they’re diseased watermelons that fell off the back of a truck and in others they look perfectly fine. It’s quite the dilemma my penis has to deal with. It’s a good thing he usually shies away from implants, because they often cause too much confusion. He’s been burned one to many times by unmarked tranny porn.

Also, while watching the trailer I couldn’t help but notice how well shot the whole thing was. Unless she was banging an actual pornographer, there is no way that this wasn’t purposely created to give her exposure and “boost her career”, which up to this point has been Playboy and some incredibly terrible movies that nobody has ever fucking heard of. Instead of overdosing, like a good, fake whore, she’ll probably be on televisions across America in a matter of months.

Maybe I’m just jealous because this sex tape will almost certainly land her a reality show, which she’ll get paid millions to do. It’ll turn out just like the Kardashian situation, except extremely more terrifying. At least I would actually bang Kardashian, though. Don’t get me wrong, it wouldn’t be enjoyable at all. Hell, it’d probably be like trying to bang a rocket launcher wound, with all the black dudes she’s been with, but I still think it would be more respectable than flailing around with a half melted Barbie doll, like Sand.

Technorati Tags: howard the duck, kardashian, sex tape, shauna sand

Bad Reputation

When I was a kid I got forced into some situations where I couldn’t help but come out as the bad guy. I was a shy, nervous little kid, so I guess I was an easy target for the truly bad kids to shove all the blame onto. There are a few particular situations that come to mind where I seemed to be going down a scary path that could land me in prison or being rich, living in a mansion and banging models my whole life.

The first situation that comes to mind started out innocent enough. I was talking to my mom and her friend about something involving letters. I don’t recall what the what it was about so this is completely out of context, but the conversation ended with me saying something like “well, why don’t you just use F, U, Z, K”. Well, my mom and her friend automatically thought I said “C” instead of “Z” so I got insta-grounded for two goddamn weeks.

Getting grounded when I was a kid was never really a big deal to me. There was only one kid my age that lived on my street that I would hang out with, but I really hated him deep down. So me getting grounded actually gave me an excuse to not hang out with someone I didn’t really want to hang out with in the first place. I’d much rather hide in my room and act like there’s a monster in our house every time my mom put shoes in the dryer.

This next situation involves something that I swear I didn’t say, but once you read it you’ll think “oh, that’s classic Josh”. When I was in 5th and 6th grade I rode the bus to school every day. Something about school buses always makes kids act like big idiots and trouble makers. It was also the first time I realized I’m smarter than everybody else when I told a kid he “smelled like hot garbage” and his best rebuttal was “yeah, well you smell like 1,000 skunks”.  I knew right then that I was a step ahead of everyone else at my age in the insult department.

Well, apparently I wasn’t the only one who was advanced, because another kid on my bus brought something special for us to peruse one day on our way to school. This kid stole a huge stack of Playboys out of his parents attic and brought them on the bus. It was a really fun time and quite a learning experience. The closest thing to Playboy I had seen up to that point was when I used to watch Silk Stalkings and rub against my mattress.

It was a really good time, until the day after. When I came home from school the next day my mom was irate. She started yelling at me about some parent who called her, upset, because I harassed their child on the bus. This goddamn little bitch girl told her parents that she looked over the bus seat at me while I was taking mental boob pictures and said “eww”. Then she told her parents that I told her that “this is what a real woman looks like”.

Sure, it sounds like something I would say, but I have no recollection of this happening and I mentally catalog all of my best “zings”. Plus, if I had said that I would be a millionaire comedian right now and not writing a goddamn blog that 5 people read.