Celeb Bashing – Shauna Sand Sex Tape
I’m not one for creating holiday specific posts, but this one time I’m going to make an exception. Since it’s close to Halloween time I figured I would post something that should scare the hell out of you. Shauna Sand is the next “celebrity” to come out with her own sex tape. Don’t know who Shauna Sand is? Yeah, me neither, so read on.
Shauna Sand, cougar extraordinaire and ex of Lorenzo Lamas, is the latest and, arguably, the oldest celeb to star in her own commercially released sex tape. The self-proclaimed 38-year-old (clears throat), a mother of three, would not be outdone by onetime adult stars Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. She will have her X-rated coming out via Shauna Sand Exposed, a DVD getting released by leading porn maker Vivid on Wednesday, the company announced today. (LA Weekly)
Sure, she’s an ex-Playboy model, so how scary could it be? Oh yeah, she looks like she was built by some nerd scientist in an effort to make a female sex robot version of Howard the duck, mixed with a hint of zombie.
I know what you’re saying, “but, being a Playboy model, she’s got to at least have a great body, right?” I saw the trailer for this disaster and can’t seem to make up my mind about her body. In some shots her implants look they they’re diseased watermelons that fell off the back of a truck and in others they look perfectly fine. It’s quite the dilemma my penis has to deal with. It’s a good thing he usually shies away from implants, because they often cause too much confusion. He’s been burned one to many times by unmarked tranny porn.
Also, while watching the trailer I couldn’t help but notice how well shot the whole thing was. Unless she was banging an actual pornographer, there is no way that this wasn’t purposely created to give her exposure and “boost her career”, which up to this point has been Playboy and some incredibly terrible movies that nobody has ever fucking heard of. Instead of overdosing, like a good, fake whore, she’ll probably be on televisions across America in a matter of months.
Maybe I’m just jealous because this sex tape will almost certainly land her a reality show, which she’ll get paid millions to do. It’ll turn out just like the Kardashian situation, except extremely more terrifying. At least I would actually bang Kardashian, though. Don’t get me wrong, it wouldn’t be enjoyable at all. Hell, it’d probably be like trying to bang a rocket launcher wound, with all the black dudes she’s been with, but I still think it would be more respectable than flailing around with a half melted Barbie doll, like Sand.
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Porn Comments
Every once in a while I like to watch these little video clips on the internet that some people like to call “porn”. Now, I’m not watching these videos for any sexual pleasure, as a matter of fact, I find them disgusting. However, I do watch these videos almost daily as sort of an experiment to sort of test myself to see if I’m a sinner. I also enjoy reading the comments of these videos for some good, old recreational fun.
In my latest porn excursion, I stumbled across a tempting little video that had hundreds of comments, and me being the comedic genius that I am found something that I could not pass up telling you people about. The video itself was straight forward. It was of an extremely attractive young girl who took off her shirt for the camera. Simple, and extremely jerk test worthy. So after my “test” I decided to scroll through the comments to see if I could find some over the top ridiculousness. This is what I found:
Wow, and I thought I was a creep. This guy must be out of his goddamn mind on hash, or something, because this comment is all over the fucking place. First of all, he extremely over-explains how his ex-girlfriend is a bitch. “You’re not a bitch, unlike my ex… Get it? Because she’s a bitch! You know, a bitch as in mean, just so we’re on the same page”. This idiot asshole, probably had a nice girlfriend, but she didn’t want to give him a blow job on web-cam so in his drunken stupor he threw her around a bit and started calling her a bitch. Then his girlfriend probably called the cops and had him arrested which would make her a double bitch in his mind. That’s the only possible explanation for the bitch calling overkill.
Next, this complete lunatic tells the webcam stripper girl to not lose her “innocense”, whatever that is. She posted a video of her boobs on a pornographic website! I’m pretty sure her innocence is completely destroyed. In fact, I’m pretty sure her uncle took it away from her when she was 6 years old that time they played the “Santa game” and asked her to help him find his North Pole.
If her innocence wasn’t completely destroyed already, I’m pretty sure hundreds of comments by complete creeps saying “omg hunni, i wunna fuk u so hard” or “i blew teh biggst lode 2 dis” probably took care of it. Just a guess.
Not only that, but all girls in the entire world should emulate this boob shower? Yeah, that’s a great idea. That’s exactly what I need, more videos of dumpy, disgusting broads that I have to sift through every time I want to take a “test”. It already takes me 15 minutes longer than it should already, with the amount of slop that’s out there. I think we desperately need someone to sort through and delete all the garbage videos that nobody would watch anyways, unless they were bulimic and needed a little help. I, for one, would apply for that job.