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Archive for November, 2009

Ask Josh – Old Bangin’

View Comments November 30, 2009 | JoshPerson

A lot of people claim that spring is the season in which “love is in the air”, but I find that completely ridiculous. If there is one season where the most banging is going on, or at least the most desire to bang, it’s in the winter. What other season could you get snowed in with some hot babes? Also, winter just has this cold, dark and lonely feeling to it which you’re so desperate to get rid of that you’d probably drop your standards to an alarming and sometimes disgusting point. Needless to say, I’ve been expecting a sexy question like this for a few weeks now, even though it’s not officially winter yet you’ve got to start getting your banging ducks in a row.

robinsonI’m a married woman of a certain age (old enough to know better) and find myself in the awkward position of having a co-worker who is young enough to be my son, flirting with me and making suggestions by text which should send me running for cover but which in fact I am now seriously considering. We have met secretly once just for a drink but I know there is an offer on the table if I want to take it – I want to but don’t know if I should. The married bit isn’t a concern to me anymore (that’s a separate Ask Josh entirely) – my main concern is our ages and the fact that we work together.  This could all go so wrong and yet …

Should I take what may be my only offer or do you think he’s just calling my bluff and going to make a fool of me – and how would I even know? I know younger guys think of the older woman as some sort of challenge but I don’t want to just be a notch on the bed post. Nor the office slag for that matter. My biggest nightmare, aside from being seen naked, is being talked about behind my back and being seen as a desperate fool. WWJD?

This reminds me of similar situations that I’ve found myself in many times before. In my particular situations it never ended up working out, because I wasn’t desperate enough yet to get murdered by an angry husband just to rub around on a some common whore mom. Don’t worry though, had those situations came up now, where I’m at the peak of desperation, I’d be all up inside it.

Your main problem here seems to be confidence. You probably would have gone through with it already if you didn’t have such body issues. The thing you fail to realize is that some younger guys have cougar fetishes. We’re They’re not looking for “porn moms” who are 19 and freshly babied only because they couldn’t afford an abortion. They’re looking for the legitimate older lady, mediocre to terrible bodies and all. There’s something hot about bedding a broad who it’d be slightly embarrassing to bang if it ever got out. It can be a huge turn on… I hear.

I know what I just said doesn’t do a whole lot for your body confidence, but if you do end up letting this guy pound you, he most likely won’t tell anybody because of it. His reputation is on the line if it ever gets out, which is far more valuable than your failing marriage which probably won’t last very much longer anyways.

Plus, who just picks out a random older married lady to trick into almost banging them only to pull away at the last second and make fun of them? That guy would either have to be outrageously bored or my new hero. So, I say that you should go for it and if it is just an elaborate plan to embarrass you and ruin your life then tell this guy about my site so I can get him to write articles about his conquests of deceiving old marrieds. I don’t say this very often because I’m knowledgeable in all things, but I feel I could learn something from this bright young man.

Send in your own “Ask Josh” question right here!

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Thanksgiving Stuff

View Comments November 25, 2009 | JoshPerson

Since there’s some nonsense holiday coming up that I don’t really care about, I figured I’d use it as sort of an excuse not to do a regular blog post. Instead, I’m just going to ramble about stuff and then boss you around a little bit. Actually, I am going to jump into the Thanksgiving tradition a little bit and tell you what I’m thankful for.

fuck-thanksgiving

I suppose the main thing I’m thankful for is that I don’t have a girlfriend this time of year. Holiday season girlfriends are the fucking pits, man. Not only do you have to go to your own family get-togethers where you only know about 5% of the people, but now you have to go to some strangers house where you’ll know even fewer. You just end up sitting there getting asked a million questions by these goddamn uncles about how big of a disappointment your life is. Plus it’s always an awkward position to be in when the entire family mentions that they “say grace” before their meal, which usually leads me to laugh out loud, then I realize that they were serious and nervous vomit all over the fruit salad.

Plus the whole family get together even by myself never really works out for me. It leads to a lot of awkward questions in my own head, like “am I picturing banging a hot cousin of mine, or a male cousins girlfriend right now?” It’s not really a positive situation for anybody to be in.

Like I mentioned earlier, this isn’t a normal blog post so I’m going to throw in some non-entertaining stuff now.

I have a few “Ask Josh” questions on the back-burner right now that will probably get answered next week. If I get more sent in over the next few days I’ll probably do all of them next week. There could be a lot of content here if people start sending stuff in.

I’m thinking about doing some humorous reviews on this site soon, so if you have anything from a product your selling to a favorite TV show or movie that you want to see me talk about use my contact form to get in touch with me.

As always, please help spread the word about this little site I’m doing here. Don’t just think someone else will tell people because let’s face it, they’re not. Twitter it, Facebook it, buy me billboards and full page advertisements in magazines, whatever you gotta do. The more people I have around here the more I’ll want to write stuff up and the more you’ll be able to laugh about what a big idiot I am.

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Zombie Obsession

View Comments November 18, 2009 | JoshPerson

For the last few months I’ve gone through a major transformation in my life. If you told me years ago that I would be huge into zombies I probably would have belly laughed for hours while murdering you. Not that I was ever against the entire zombie culture, it just wasn’t something I had ever explored, or thought that I could get into. Perhaps that’s because the only movies I watched were romantic comedies either with women for the sole purpose of tricking them into having sex with me or by myself while crying deeply into and rubbing on a body pillow.

zombie

This whole zombie fascination started many months ago and for no particular reason. I think I was just tired of watching normal movies and needed a change. Plus, I was starting to watch shows about ghosts, which could very well have been my gateway to zombies. Either way, I decided to have a zombie movie month where I wouldn’t watch a film unless it had a zombie in it. Probably the greatest idea I’ve had in my life and that’s including the time I came up with the awesome phrase “if you’re fat and annoying at least bring treats”.

Before I knew it I was full blown zombie obsessed and not only just with the movies. I’m currently working through a book titled “The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead” and am obsessed with the video game series Left 4 Dead. Not to mention that I’ve had several dreams, in which I’m slaughtering zombie after zombie just trying to survive the outbreak. I’ve also been spending far too much time mentally preparing for a zombie outbreak. We should really be using these goddamn undeads to help wean people off of other, more serious addictions, like those of heroin or the addiction most women have for my approval.

Don’t get me wrong, my zombie-mania isn’t without its drawbacks. The main drawback thus far is that all of my friends and family (none of which are into zombies) think I’m completely insane. I’m also paranoid that people who have been into zombies for a long time will look down on me as some sort of poser for just getting into them recently. That problem isn’t helped by the fact that I watched probably 15 zombie movies over the span of one month and can’t readily pull titles or references to any of them with any sort of confidence. All that combined with the fact that my sex life has gone downhill because zombie movies aren’t tricking any girl into sleeping with me, none visually worth a bang anyways. Still, add up all those negatives and I still feel I come out on top with this new obsession and it doesn’t seem to be fading any time soon.


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