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Archive for January, 2010

Getting Weird at Wal-Mart

View Comments January 27, 2010 | JoshPerson

It’s really no secret that Wal-Mart is the worst place in the world for everything besides great deals on cheap shit and making fun of people. I’ve accepted these facts and my deep hatred for the place, but I can’t help but go there at least once a week. It’s really the only place that I feel like I could take everybody in the building in a fight and am also the hottest guy. I’m pretty sure I could be the king of that goddamn place if I applied myself. My last trip to Wal-Mart, however, has made me hate the place even more, but for completely different reasons.

The trip started off as it always does by me grabbing the worst goddamn cart on the planet. I don’t know if there was something stuck on the wheel or what, but it kept making this bang and shake noise. It had to be the loudest cart ever, but luckily the sound of human disappointment was enough to drown it out.

I immediately headed straight to the electronics section, like I always do. Whenever I go to Wal-Mart I get so worked up and ready to fight people with tears in my eyes that I need some sort of geeky electronics therapy just to calm me down. I just spend hours staring at TVs, external hard drives and video games. Sure, their electronics are always of the cheap, shitty kind, but they still have the ability to sooth my soul with the promise that I may actually be able to afford them at some point in my life.

After that I decided to go about my usual shopping. That’s when I saw a pretty hot chick walking around. I think this was only the second attractive girl I’ve seen in a Wal-Mart, with the first being a cashier. I immediately started wondering how I was going to make my moves when out of nowhere I see another hot lady. I didn’t know which one to creepily follow around the store for hours trying to get jackable ass pics from. Then in the distance I saw what I thought was the hottest of the three, but what I didn’t immediately remember is that distance can sometimes be a bitch.

The closer I got to this girl the more I got disappointed. Don’t get me wrong, she was very attractive, but she had the classic bitch face. You could just tell by looking at her that she was a complete bitch to anyone she’s ever talked to. The rest of the time I was in there I kept my eyes open for the previously mentioned hot chicks, but they were gone. All I found from that point on was an extremely tall, stoic looking gay guy who looked like he could probably kill me by open hand slapping me to death.

The entire trip was disappointing, which is typical for a Wal-Mart trip, but it was for completely different reasons. I didn’t even get to see the usual things that make me laugh, like people wearing dirty sweatpants or grown adults with permanent Kool-Aid mustaches. The place is like a goddamn freak show, that’s why they always sell carnival popcorn in the back and it’s kind of pointless when the freaks don’t even show up.

Make sure to come back Monday for a new blog post about the show Lost. Will I admit that I like it or just tear it apart? Also, soon some very exciting news about a new blog I’m starting!

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Ask Josh – Motivation and Worrying

View Comments January 20, 2010 | JoshPerson

This week I have two “Ask Josh” questions to answer. One is about worrying and the other is about being a completely lazy waste of a human being. At first I didn’t really give a care about how this guy ends up, but then I realized that if he gets motivated enough to become a millionaire I could be in for a huge pay day or if he starts a publishing company, I could have a lucrative writing career. So since I really have nothing else going on in my life at the moment I figured this would be my best chance to actually make something of myself.

Dear Josh,
I’m such a pussy. I worry about everything.
Please help!

Dear Josh,
I am a lazy ass. I try to get up early in the morning, but I just can’t do it. Apparently I have enough willpower to fill out this form, but not roll myself out of bed in the morning.
Please help!

I’ll cut the usual foreplay and go right for the pussy (question). I used to be exactly like you, the only difference is that I was five years old and afraid of everything. I really don’t understand people who worry constantly. To me worrying is just a sign of not being drunk enough. I overcame my worry problem as a child because I started drinking whiskey at a very young age. I think this tactic effectively murdered all the cells in the “worry center” of my brain.

If you’re not into being black-out drunk all day all night then whenever you start worrying about something just ask yourself “what would Josh do?” The answer to this question 90 times out of 100 is “he’d probably just say ‘fuck it’”. This is actually the main concept behind my new book “Fuck It Therapy: How to Get Rid of Your Mind’s Vagina”. Also, if you were wondering what the answer is the other 10 out of 100 times it’s “eat a quesadilla”.

Now comes the question about being lazy. For starters you could always refer back to my previous blog post about how to get motivated. The guy who asked me that question hasn’t written back with any problems or follow up questions, so I’m guessing it’s all working out fine for him. So just follow that previous post and start writing me checks.

If you read that and you’re worried about it not working (because that’s what you do) then you should probably just force yourself into a near-death experience. Nothing gets a man motivated like almost dying and realizing how pathetic his life has actually been so far. Believe me, when near death you’ll be thinking “if I could only survive this I’ll wake up early every morning and really try to make a difference in this world. I should also probably try bedding more chicks because I don’t want to die with my bang count being this low.”

Need some advice about how to fix your life? Just write in and ask for some help! For all other nonsensical questions check out my new-ish Mini-Ask Josh form.

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Ask Josh – How To Be Romantic

View Comments January 7, 2010 | JoshPerson

There’s a very troublesome trend in the dating world that I’ve picked up on throughout my years. It seems like after a while the passion starts to dwindle and you might as well be two robots with dicks and pussies that now rarely get used. This guy is having a similar problem:

Dear Josh,

How can I be more romantic? My girlfriend says I’m not romantic enough anymore. When we first started dating, I’d do all kinds of cutesy couple-like things for her, but I don’t anymore.

Please help!

Like I said, this is a very common situation to be in. I don’t know how many housewives say this same thing to me as they beg me to bang them. It can also lead to the end of a relationship if you don’t play it exactly like I’m going to instruct you. So either follow my advice, or die lonely. It’s really up to you.

The first thing you have to do is decode what your girlfriend is really trying to say. Girls say this all the time and you shouldn’t always take it at face value. I don’t know if you noticed this, but girls have a habit of needing something to bitch about constantly. This may be the only thing that her feeble little mind could come up with.

How can you tell if the complaint is real or not? Easy, by body language. If she says it while crying after watching a “chick flick” or reading a romance novel then you have nothing to worry about. She’s probably just influenced by the dickless, homosexual writer’s idea of a real man. It will pass. However, if she says it with a bitch face and refuses to put out for an extended period of time then you’re in the danger zone.

Now, most people will probably tell you to start doing a bunch of sweet stuff immediately, but that’s completely wrong. Even if it is a real issue to her it doesn’t exactly mean what you think it does. In reality, she’s just trying to control you. If you give up all your power and start doing nothing but nice things to her then she’s going to give up on you because you’re not a challenge anymore.

Sure, you can still do the occasional nice thing, but you have to mix it with something slightly mean. Always hold your ground as a real man. Don’t let this screwed in the head mate of yours turn you into a girly-man who loves romantic comedies and gets way too into the idea of having kids.

An ideal situation where you can still be sweet is by buying her flowers one day, but as you’re handing them over to her say something along the lines of “here you go, you fucking bitch”. You could also say something like “hey idiot, lets go for a romantic walk on the beach so I can look at babes that are hotter than you”. The second one is great because it throws in something for them to be insecure about, which is always fantastic.

I know these strategies seem uncommon and your gut reaction may be to avoid them at all costs. However, you have to realize that most relationships end, usually horribly. All these relationships are doomed from the beginning because men all follow the same terrible logic that you’re probably thinking about following yourself by completely submitting to her needs. These idiot men all take their romantic cues from shows like “Friends” – it’s absurd. So get your dick out of your heart and join me in the man club (not gay).

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