Getting Weird at Wal-Mart

It’s really no secret that Wal-Mart is the worst place in the world for everything besides great deals on cheap shit and making fun of people. I’ve accepted these facts and my deep hatred for the place, but I can’t help but go there at least once a week. It’s really the only place that I feel like I could take everybody in the building in a fight and am also the hottest guy. I’m pretty sure I could be the king of that goddamn place if I applied myself. My last trip to Wal-Mart, however, has made me hate the place even more, but for completely different reasons.

The trip started off as it always does by me grabbing the worst goddamn cart on the planet. I don’t know if there was something stuck on the wheel or what, but it kept making this bang and shake noise. It had to be the loudest cart ever, but luckily the sound of human disappointment was enough to drown it out.

I immediately headed straight to the electronics section, like I always do. Whenever I go to Wal-Mart I get so worked up and ready to fight people with tears in my eyes that I need some sort of geeky electronics therapy just to calm me down. I just spend hours staring at TVs, external hard drives and video games. Sure, their electronics are always of the cheap, shitty kind, but they still have the ability to sooth my soul with the promise that I may actually be able to afford them at some point in my life.

After that I decided to go about my usual shopping. That’s when I saw a pretty hot chick walking around. I think this was only the second attractive girl I’ve seen in a Wal-Mart, with the first being a cashier. I immediately started wondering how I was going to make my moves when out of nowhere I see another hot lady. I didn’t know which one to creepily follow around the store for hours trying to get jackable ass pics from. Then in the distance I saw what I thought was the hottest of the three, but what I didn’t immediately remember is that distance can sometimes be a bitch.

The closer I got to this girl the more I got disappointed. Don’t get me wrong, she was very attractive, but she had the classic bitch face. You could just tell by looking at her that she was a complete bitch to anyone she’s ever talked to. The rest of the time I was in there I kept my eyes open for the previously mentioned hot chicks, but they were gone. All I found from that point on was an extremely tall, stoic looking gay guy who looked like he could probably kill me by open hand slapping me to death.

The entire trip was disappointing, which is typical for a Wal-Mart trip, but it was for completely different reasons. I didn’t even get to see the usual things that make me laugh, like people wearing dirty sweatpants or grown adults with permanent Kool-Aid mustaches. The place is like a goddamn freak show, that’s why they always sell carnival popcorn in the back and it’s kind of pointless when the freaks don’t even show up.

Make sure to come back Monday for a new blog post about the show Lost. Will I admit that I like it or just tear it apart? Also, soon some very exciting news about a new blog I’m starting!

Technorati Tags: Disappointment, freak show, wal-mart

Ask Josh – Motivation and Worrying

This week I have two “Ask Josh” questions to answer. One is about worrying and the other is about being a completely lazy waste of a human being. At first I didn’t really give a care about how this guy ends up, but then I realized that if he gets motivated enough to become a millionaire I could be in for a huge pay day or if he starts a publishing company, I could have a lucrative writing career. So since I really have nothing else going on in my life at the moment I figured this would be my best chance to actually make something of myself.

Dear Josh,
I’m such a pussy. I worry about everything.
Please help!

Dear Josh,
I am a lazy ass. I try to get up early in the morning, but I just can’t do it. Apparently I have enough willpower to fill out this form, but not roll myself out of bed in the morning.
Please help!

I’ll cut the usual foreplay and go right for the pussy (question). I used to be exactly like you, the only difference is that I was five years old and afraid of everything. I really don’t understand people who worry constantly. To me worrying is just a sign of not being drunk enough. I overcame my worry problem as a child because I started drinking whiskey at a very young age. I think this tactic effectively murdered all the cells in the “worry center” of my brain.

If you’re not into being black-out drunk all day all night then whenever you start worrying about something just ask yourself “what would Josh do?” The answer to this question 90 times out of 100 is “he’d probably just say ‘fuck it’”. This is actually the main concept behind my new book “Fuck It Therapy: How to Get Rid of Your Mind’s Vagina”. Also, if you were wondering what the answer is the other 10 out of 100 times it’s “eat a quesadilla”.

Now comes the question about being lazy. For starters you could always refer back to my previous blog post about how to get motivated. The guy who asked me that question hasn’t written back with any problems or follow up questions, so I’m guessing it’s all working out fine for him. So just follow that previous post and start writing me checks.

If you read that and you’re worried about it not working (because that’s what you do) then you should probably just force yourself into a near-death experience. Nothing gets a man motivated like almost dying and realizing how pathetic his life has actually been so far. Believe me, when near death you’ll be thinking “if I could only survive this I’ll wake up early every morning and really try to make a difference in this world. I should also probably try bedding more chicks because I don’t want to die with my bang count being this low.”

Need some advice about how to fix your life? Just write in and ask for some help! For all other nonsensical questions check out my new-ish Mini-Ask Josh form.

Technorati Tags: advice, motivation, worry