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Archive for March, 2010

The Wedding Reception

View Comments March 29, 2010 | JoshPerson

If there’s one thing you should know about me it’s that I don’t like attending things. Going to any sort of people gathering usually ends terribly for me. What usually happens is I get drunk out of my mind, start being an asshole and get extremely talkative and handsy. Before you know it I’m surrounded by a bunch of annoyed, depressed and turned on individuals. So when I got invited to a wedding reception this weekend I immediately went out and bought 200 “I’m Sorry” cards with a frowny teddy bear holding a droopy flower on the front.

When I got to this wedding reception I almost immediately headed towards the bar. I figured I’d start ruining friendships and lives early so I could get it out of the way. With any luck I’d be kicked out in an hour so I could go back home to play video games and creepily text girls I barely know.

After I got my drink I started walking around the room, meeting people and shaking hands. Some people call this “being nice”, but I call it “picking my targets”. Then the unthinkable happened, I realized that they were, for the most part, really nice people. Usually when I go to these gatherings there are douchebags spread throughout who I can immediately hate without even hearing them talk. I have douche-dar.

After a little bit of talking to random strangers and long-lost relatives the most amazing moment of my entire life came up. I was standing outside the building when a woman I had never met came up to me. No, she didn’t say “I don’t know who you are, but you’re hot and I want you to bang my brains out.” She did, however, say “Hi Josh, nice to meet you. I read your stuff.” Holy fuck! Granted, I did know of her and when I saw her I recognized her from an internet avatar, but still, I felt extremely famous. Don’t ruin my moment, assholes.

Following the best experience of my life I was also met with the most frightening experience of my life. When I walked back into the building the entire room turned into a dance party. Before I knew it I saw my father, the groom, out on the dance floor doing the twist. I had never seen my dad dance before and I’m grateful for that. All I could picture for the rest of the night was ten dads surrounding me all doing the twist while I scream in horror and try to claw my own eyes out of my skull.

By this time I was getting drunk to the point where I couldn’t complete sentences. I’d be telling someone a story, then in the middle of it I would pause and think to myself “oh my god, this person is staring right at me” and panic until I just started saying random words that didn’t make sense. It went something like “so after I walked outside she came up to talk to me and (omg they’re on to me) sandwich, barbed wire, cream snacks, salad…” I’m pretty sure everyone I talked to at the end of the night thinks I’m a complete idiot, but I’m fine with that, because at least I’m a fucking famous idiot.

All in all I had a pretty good night. I drunkenly laughed until my face hurt staring at all the awkward dancers. I also got in a few good “zingers” on people and laughed at inappropriate times, like when I thought someone was telling me a joke, but it turns out they’re just an idiot. From the outside observer it may seem like I’m “growing up” or “becoming less of an asshole”, but I beg to differ. I think I’m becoming more cerebral with my hate. I’m actually able to act like a nice guy and become best friends with a person all the while destroying their emotional state with my sly, mean-spirited quips. It’s part of my training to become the first ever, “perfect asshole” (and I’ll say this joke only because if I don’t it’ll get said in the comments “‘perfect asshole’ would also make a great title for an anal virgin porn… Booooom! I’m funny!” There, you happy?).

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Internet Addiction is Serious!

View Comments March 25, 2010 | JoshPerson

I have a severe addiction to the internet. It started out slowly, downloading Adam Sandler sound clips and pictures of boobies on dial-up in junior high. As the internet speed increased over the years, so did my love. Currently I have cable internet and I’m a complete addict. Why go outside in terrible Iowa, when I can stay inside and look at outside pictures of nicer places?

Here's a picture of me doing my thang on the internet. The mustache brings in boob pics like you wouldn't believe.

I’m also to the point now where I’ve had cable internet for about 5 years and I need to go faster. I would say that 90% of my internet time is researching what kind of internet service upgrades I could purchase or what US city has the fastest internet. The other 10% of my time is split up between refreshing Twitter, Facebook and Gmail every 3 seconds and making fun of people on the internet for being losers.

While I’m desperately in need of a faster internet option and I get pissed when things are running really slow, there’s still part of me that is amazed with what the internet has to offer. I have a split-personality when it comes to this stuff. One minute I’ll be yelling “what fucking year is this? how does a web page not load in under 10 seconds? This is complete bullshit!!!!!” Yet other times, I’ll be watching a TV show on Hulu and thinking “this is fucking amazing. I can’t believe that I’m actually watching a video on the internet at the exact time that I want to. I don’t even have to download anything! This has to be the best life ever!” My friends are also getting increasingly annoyed at how I brag about stuff I’m doing on the internet like I’m the only one who fucking has it.

The internet is such a huge part of my life, but part of me still wants to give it up. I’m not talking about giving it up like just going outside more. I’m talking about a thought process that goes “I just wish I lived in the 50′s before all this internet and computer stuff was even around.” I’d be pretty bored, but I’d just put all of my energy into trying to bang ladies and openly hating gays. Plus, if I did live in the 50′s I wouldn’t be in the early stages of carpal tunnel and I’d still have eyes, so that would be pretty awesome too.

I seriously would consider giving the internet up completely, but I just can’t turn my back on it like that. The internet has opened me up to so many possibilities, like pizza. If we still had to call in to place a pizza delivery order I just wouldn’t do it. I can’t talk on the phone to people who will be involved in my food making process. These people are mere servants. Now when I want to feel sick and disgusting all I have to do is log onto the Domino’s website and order up some shit pizza. It’s amazing! Plus it would be extremely difficult/awkward ordering a pizza over the phone and jerking off at the same time.

Along with pizza, the internet has also showed me what love is. It’s amazing that every girl’s information is easily available and I still ignore all of their interests and base my feelings on looks. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t fall in love with some random whore on Facebook or Twitter. It has to be this way for me, though, because the rate at which girls find out that I’m an asshole is astounding so I need a solid influx of babes. I’m like a woman destroying factory. They come in normal and leave physically and emotionally scared, which might be a problem if it was happening in real life, but since it’s just the internet it’s like it never even happened. Mental terrorism, another thing the internet is great for!

By the way, if you want to get mentally terrorized then join my new Absurdly Awesome Facebook Fan Page!

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News Thing: Women Are Dumb

View Comments March 22, 2010 | JoshPerson

Sometimes when I’m out and about, strolling around the avenues on a Friday night, I like to yell things at the attractive females walking around. It’s usually nothing too bad, just things like “I’d like to do stuff to your body in a sexual way, if that’s alright with you!” Well, according to a new study, I’m not supposed to be doing things like this. Apparently yelling ridiculous things at women makes them all depressed and man hate-y.

Here are some words about the thing:

Men who harass women with cat calls and sexual comments are actually harming their whole gender, a study has found.

The researchers asked 114 undergraduate female students to watch a video and imagine themselves as bystanders to a situation where a man made either a sexist remark at another woman or simply greeted her.

The students were then asked to rate their levels of anxiety and depression as well as their anger and fear toward men and their desire to move against or away from men.

The study showed that in addition to feeling upset, women were more likely to take the sexist remark as an insult to their gender, and feel greater anger and motivation to take direct action toward men in general.

I find this article to be complete nonsense and I’ll tell you why. First of all, women have a tendency to be over-dramatic. If you ask a woman any question at all you’re going to get the most extreme answer ever. If you ask them, “how was your weekend?” they will certainly respond with “it was the best (or worst) weekend of my entire life!!!!!” So it shouldn’t come as a surprise when the results of this survey show that every woman who gets yelled at automatically hates all guys in the world and wants to kill themselves.

I’m also going to guess that all the women who took part in this survey were gross, disgusting slobs. They grimace at the thought of a man yelling “hey hot stuff, lemme see them tits” when it’s brought up in theory, yet those words are exactly what they’re rubbing themselves to every night. These girls would explode in lust if they got this kind of attention in real life.

Let’s just say for the sake of argument that there were a mixture of women in this study, hot and gross. They’re all still idiots. So a guy yelling at them makes them hate all men. That’s reasonable. Can’t they just hate the douchey college guys who are trying to impress their friends, because those are the only people who yell things at people in public? Nope, all men are pigs. Now, I’m not going to generalize, like the bitches in the study, and say that all women are stupid. I’m just going to say that the diversity of people chosen for this study, who are supposed to represent the entire female population, are.

Maybe I’m just fired up over this article because it hits so close to home. I too have been a victim of cat calls. I get it from all directions, from women saying things like “you’re hot” to men saying things like “you’re a faggot”. Even though I get yelled at every time I leave my apartment, I still don’t hate specific groups of people because one of them yelled things at me once. That’s the kind of thinking that breeds racism… Wait a minute, I forgot where I was for a second. I started to get far too real there. Time to get back on track. All women are whores. The end.

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I’m Charming!

View Comments March 18, 2010 | JoshPerson

I have a really weird and confusing way of picking up or flirting with women. Typically my “game” consists of just hurling insults at them, then kicking back and saying to myself “I’ve done my part, they should be falling all over me now.” The part that’s confusing is that I hurl insults at absolutely everybody who bothers conversing with me. So, how does the freshly berated person figure out if I’m flirting or just flat out verbally abusing them? That’s easy. If you’re a hot chick, or at least a mediocre rich one, then I’m trying to insult you into a long term relationship. It sounds very tempting, I know.

Often times while trying to pick up one of these babes in this manner I get the type of girl who thinks she’s on to my tricks. She’ll say something like “oh, you’re real charming” in a sarcastic way. First of all, don’t challenge me, bitch. Second of all, anyone can be charming. Charm is basically just saying nice things, which anyone can fake. It takes a real cocksure (LOL!) gentleman to stand up to an extremely attractive lady and say something ballsy and clever, like “hey stupid idiot, why you so stupid?” Or “hey garbage, why’s your hair so dumb looking, idiot?” I don’t see why some girls don’t get turned on by this stuff. It boggles the mind.

Girls should be used to this fake charm stuff by now. They get compliments and free drink offers thrown at them all the time, so when someone different comes along with a new strategy you’d think they’d take the opportunity to try something new and exciting. Don’t get me wrong, for the most part they love this stuff and by “they” I mean “gross chicks who take my legitimate insults as flirty ones”.

It really amazes me how disgusting women love insults from me, when they must be insulted hourly by everybody. Likewise, it’s amazing how attractive girls stick with the fake niceness by douche bags. I guess it’s basically just a comfort level thing. They stick with what they’re used to.

Regardless, I’m going to stick with my brand of mean-spirited insult pick-ups and one day I will break through to the hots. I will become a pioneer of sorts. Eventually my insults will start working on attractive girls and I will build an empire. I’ll have 23 hot girlfriends and men will travel from miles around to see if they can pick up some of my wisdom. Then I’ll insult them verbally and tell them to leave.

The only problem with insulting men is that they’ll probably turn gay and become attracted to me as well. As a straight man, most people would think that this is terrible, but it’d be all part of my plan. If all the men on the planet turn gay for me then I don’t have to worry about anyone picking up my secrets and cutting into my babe reserves. So basically, my strategy for trying to pick up women now is also my strategy for taking over the world. You see, I can divulge my whole plan of taking over the world to you and you’ll never try to stop me because you’re too much of an idiot piece of stupid head. Damn, I’m good.

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