Accidental Life Ruiner (Also, Site News!)
When I was around 17 years old I liked to do this thing called “cruise the loop” with my friends. We’d pretty much spend all our weekends driving down Main Street trying to find babes and playing stupid games with people who had no idea what we were doing. One game we played was to follow a random car around to their destination. It seems creepy as hell, because it was, especially since we’d mostly follow around babes. One night, however, the improbable happened and girls started following us around. Guess what? It didn’t end well for me.
It started out innocently enough, a girl we knew was driving around a lot of her hot friends, saw me and initiated the chase. The first night I met the girl who was driving I almost instantly fell in love… Until she got out of her car. Her body was the shape of an exaggerated pear… Like a pear caricature (a pearicature?). Anyways, from that moment on I despised her and, as it turns out, with good reason.
As I was driving down a two-way side-street to my friends house the car load of girls was still behind us. I started getting really excited at the possibility of doing some of this kissing stuff I had heard people talk about. Then, as I turned left to pull into my friend’s driveway “it” happened. The car driven by this stupid idiot pear body was in the process of illegally passing me on this side street as I was turning. The front left bumper of my car scraped against the whole right side of her brand new car with such severity that neither of the passenger-side doors would open. She was 16 at the time and her parents just bought her the car a week before this happened. Meanwhile, my car’s bumper had a little tear in it that you could hardly notice. I win.
Well, as it turns out, I don’t win. I actually lost in a variety of ways. The first being that the cop who showed up at the scene of the accident was the same cop who pulled me over for going 52 in a 35 exactly one week prior. This type of situation is exactly what episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm are made of. Add to that the fact that the hot girls who were passengers and not shaped like any particular fruit told me that they were pulling up beside my friend and I to show us all sorts of boobies.
I’d never had random girls showing me their upper lady parts before, I just wasn’t that cool. I know a lot of you are like “big deal, you can see random girl flashes pretty much anywhere alcohol is served”. Good point, but sober boob showing in this fashion is extremely rare and possibly a once in a lifetime opportunity. It’s even more impressive than tricking an internet girl into sending you nudes just because you “know she’s insecure” and you “want to give her an honest opinion of what she’s working with” (On a completely unrelated note, did you know my contact form now gives the option to attach things like pictures?)
Anyways, instead of getting to see all sorts of girl stuff, I got stuck having to deal with a car accident situation. Not only that, but this goddamn crazy pear tried convincing the insurance companies that my eyes were red so I must have been drunk and/or high. Yeah, it had to be that and not the fact that it was 2am and I was trying to hold back tears from missing out on quite possibly the most important opportunity of my entire life. If I had seen boobs that night I could have gained the confidence to go on and do great things like become a millionaire with a super model girlfriend. Instead, I’m sitting in my apartment, drinking and writing a blog post that nobody will read. Which life is better? I don’t know, probably the one that lets me spend 18 hours a day on the internet… Yeah, I’m that addicted.
Site News Time!
Alright, I’m back from my little soul-searching hiatus. Things are going to change a little bit around here. I’m not going to be doing any more dream interpretations. I will, however, start talking more about some ridiculous news stories, TV show and movie reviews, and a bunch of other stuff. I will also be updating this site more often.
I’ll also need some help from you humans. Use my contact form to send me stuff you want me to talk about. News stories that catch your eye balls, TV shows and movies you want to see me break down, or anything else that you think will be good content for the site. Don’t be afraid, if you send me in something I hate I won’t publicly or privately bash you, I’ll just delete the email and go about my day.
New Comment System! I’m now using the “Disqus” comment system for this site. You can now log into the comments area through your various online profiles like Twitter and Facebook (this is optional). You’ll even have the option to post your comment to your Twitter and Facebook profiles for everyone to see, which would greatly help spread the word of the site. The first time you comment you’ll have to go through some weird steps to connect with your profiles or “just post as a guest”. It shouldn’t be too confusing and once you have it set up you won’t have to do it again. Still, if you feel overwhelmed use the contact form and I’ll help you out… Or Google it like a normal person.
Category: General Posts
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