Ask Josh – An Asshole’s Guide
I absolutely love answering “Ask Josh” questions. It’s a way for me to give something back to society, even though society has shunned me in general. Seriously, what the fuck has society given me? I’m not bitter, I just think that I’ve done way more for people than I’ve gotten in return. When I was young I was told that if I do good things for people good things will happen to me. So far that theory has been proven to be bullshit, which sucks because the only reason I keep giving is to get something in return. It’s really a completely selfishless act.
Sometimes I’m obligated to be an asshole because of other people’s actions. When a situation like that arises, it feels good to put someone being a douche in their place, but quickly after I feel guilty for being an asshole. You don’t seem to have any problems with this, so, how do you cope?
First of all, you should never feel obligated to be an asshole because of other peoples actions. You should be an asshole because it’s the only way to live in this type of society. Everyone is an asshole in their own certain way, so the only way that you can be better than them is to completely over-asshole them. It really is the only way you’ll get ahead in this world. Even if someone does something nice for you, like buys you a cup of coffee, you have to be an asshole right off the bat because it’s going to lead down that road eventually and you better have a head start.
Let’s say that someone is being a douche, like in your example, and you come back with an asshole-ish retort. There is absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty about your asshole-ishness at all. The reason for this is that they’re already scheming in their own little mind about how they’re going to fuck you over. They may act hurt or offended, but you can guarantee that they’re drawing up plans about how to fuck with you back. Not only should you not feel bad about being an asshole, you should also keep it going. Always stay on the attack and never let your guard down.
Sometimes when you’re just relentlessly pounding some douche with your asshole hammer (that kind of sounds like a grotesque sex toy for gays) you may start to feel guilty, like it may be undeserved. In this case you have to remember what he did to you in the first place, and if that doesn’t work just pretend that he fucked your mom and your sister, and then go fuck his. Also, remember that people, in general, are pieces of shit and the more people you can mentally wipe out with insults, the better. Pretty soon there will only be two types of people in the world, pushovers and assholes. It’ll sort of be like slavery, except instead of judging people based on skin color, you’ll be judging them on their mental weakness.
I’ve never really had any of these problems because I’m a 12th degree asshole. It’s basically the highest degree of asshole that you can attain. It takes some work, a lot of dedication and mental toughness. But if you keep trying and keep putting in the required time, one day you can be just like me and the world will be a better place. Maybe I should start up some online asshole course where I will train people to become better at the art of being an asshole. It’d only take 12 months to get your “Assters Degree”. Even if it didn’t work out it would probably make for the best spam emails ever.
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Category: Advice Column
It all makes sense now…
I’m sure you’d be an awesome teacher!
the fact that you KNOW you act like an asshole, actually means you are not as bad as you think you are!!! the worst asshole is hte one who is just mean and doesn’t even know it. :)