Ask Josh – Criminal

Oh man, this is going to be a challenge. Typically I love getting “Ask Josh” questions as I feel like I’m giving something positive back to society. This particular one, however, has a huge chance of breaking bad for me. I really don’t know how I’m going to give advice without sounding like a complete racist. Now I’m sort of wishing that I did ask out that attractive black girl I saw uptown yesterday to give me a little racism insurance.

I’m scared for my future. Hold me.

In the town that I live in ,a small hillbily town in Ohio, there has been a black,male predator on the loose. 6’3 280 lbs. Hes apparently been going into nursing homes and salons snatching wallets out of purses then immedietly using the credit cards to buy gift certificates (irrelevant). Yesterday, this man, who is missing a front tooth, shows up at MY work and asks to “pretty please please please” use the restroom. My coworker actually lets him in (she has a thing for what she calls ‘chocolate kisses’. He uses the restroom then asks about our prices on manicures and pedicures, then asks if we have a cleaning crew. She tells him the info and he leaves. Later we find out who he is, after seeing the police report and surveillence stills. Everyone at work is freaking out and expecting him to come back. Now my question: what do I do if this man comes back in and tries to start something with me or one of my co workers? I’m not the biggest thing on earth and I don’t think I could hold my ground against a 300 pound black man. Do you have any proven techniques on self defense?

I have included the actual (extremely clear) photo from the surveillence camera.

The first thing I would suggest is to turn your salon into a barbershop. From what I’ve seen on the television black people love barbershops, so it’ll probably be hard for him to commit crimes against something so close to his culture. Hiring some “brothas” and “sistas” would further benefit this cause, as a bunch of white people operating a barbershop might throw him into a fit of rage.

What do you do if creating a barbershop atmosphere is impossible? The easiest thing for you to do is to use the girl who loves “chocolate kisses” as rape bait. While she’s being hollowed out by this giant, red M&M you could either grab a pair of scissors and cut his head off, or just grab all of your personal possessions and treat it as an “every man for himself” type situation and bolt out the door.

Those are worst case scenarios. More than likely he’s changing his life for the better. He’s probably found God, wants to treat himself to a manicure and pedicure and then apply for a job on the cleaning crew. I actually think it’s extremely racist that you think black people only plan crimes all day. So, he has a history of crimes, big deal. I choose to find the good in people and give them the benefit of the doubt. It’s just insanely disgusting how racist some people are. Oh, and if I’m wrong about him turning over a new leaf, then just mention my name. I have dominion over all blacks.

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Tags: Advice Column, Criminal

Category: Advice Column