Ask Josh – Funeral Planner

This is the absolute last “Ask Josh” question I have left in the hopper so send those bitches in. Remember, they’re supposed to be about something in your life that you need advice on. I’m not going to answer questions like “What kind of dog should I buy?” because the only answer to that would be “whichever one will end up killing you”.

Try not to fall asleep:

“This is going to seem shallow. My concern is what I will do when my father dies. Not concern about him dying – I know that’s on the cards soon enough, but concern about the funeral and what I have to do and say. I am an only child and he’s old so the burden will be on me to do what’s necessary. He made the arrangements when my mother died and I was grateful not to have to do it. But I realise that this will be my job next. He has lived a long and eventful life and I have to say that I haven’t been paying attention. I know there are things that he’s done and people that he’s met that should be mentioned at his funeral but I don’t know where to begin or even how much of it is true, since he is prone to exaggeration and bullshitting. How do I find out the relevant facts now, while he’s alive, so that I know what to say when he’s dead? How can you broach that subject to someone who isn’t probably thinking about death? How do I even find out who his friends are and who I would need to inform? There are even siblings of his that have been airbrushed from the family tree – I know they exist but not where they are or why they are never mentioned. I have not been a very good daughter and I know that all eyes will be on me to get the show on the road – I need to make plans before the inevitable happens. What do I do Josh?”

I’ve never been so tired in my life. That is probably the greatest sleep inducing story that I have ever read. I like when people write one gigantic paragraph for a question that could be summed up in one sentence. When I started reading this I got a severe headache and became dizzy and violently ill all at once. Then my mind collapsed on itself. If I were you, I wouldn’t be worried about your dad dying. I’d be worrying about someone murdering you because of your boredom… Or you boredoming someone to death. Either way, fuck you.

That was going to be the end of it. I was just going to end with a “fuck you” and not try to answer your question. Then I realized that I’m here to help people, even the retardeds. Not to mention I just thought of a super awesome way for you to deal with your problem. You should kill your father and then hide his body somewhere that nobody will find it. There’s no way you could have a funeral for someone who might still be alive, could you? It’s the perfect solution. You might be expected to grieve a little bit at his disappearance, but everyone forgets about those disappearing bastards after a few months anyways. You’ll never have to deal with that old fuck again!

If that seems a little too difficult of a task for you then I have another possible solution. It’s a technique that I’ve used my entire life. I call it the “not it” technique. Whenever you get the call about your dad dying the first thing out of your mouth should be “not it!”. Then they’ll probably say something like “Umm, what?” So just say “I said ‘not it’ so I don’t have to deal with the whole funeral planning thing and all that related bullshit, plus I don’t even think he was my real dad, soooo…” I’m pretty sure that would shut the person up and make them feel bad for bringing up your possible fake father situation.

Even though I’ve given you a couple very easy to use techniques for dealing with you daddy issues, remember there is always one more. How about you act like a fucking adult and deal with it. You’re not a five years old that gets overwhelmed about things like play-doh, and if you are five then click “Contact Josh” and send pictures. Either deal with it or find someone who will. What, do you not have friends or other family to help you plan this out? It wouldn’t really surprise me if you didn’t, because you have the personality and story telling ability of rhubarb. On a related note, when I was young I destroyed our neighbors rhubarb patch. My parents were upset with me so to make it up to her they gave her some of our fresh cherry tomatoes. How the fuck is that fair? Horribly disgusting rhubarb for fresh, delicious cherry tomatoes? Probably the worst day of my entire life.

Tags: Advice Column, Funeral Planning

Category: Advice Column