Ask Josh – Jealous Bitch

This post marks the end of what’s left in my “Ask Josh” queue, so send those bitches in! I don’t know how you expect this world to be a better place when you don’t actively take steps in fixing it by letting me solve all your problems. I’m really the only qualified person to fix your fucked up, disaster of a life, so quit being a shy little bitch and just ask me for help!!! Sorry, I don’t know where that anger came from. I guess I just get mad because I care too much.

i am constantly getting jealous of people for the smallest, most frivoluos things. when a boy says something to a friend and not to me, for example. i never make my jealousy obvious and i never do anything mean to the people i am jealous of but…how can i see myself in a light where i don’t have to cmpare myself with others? how do i stop getting jealous? ihate the feeling so pleaseeee, help!

Maybe I was wrong earlier. I don’t think I can help you. It’s just that being as awesome as I am I’ve never known what it feels like to be jealous. I didn’t even know what that word was until I googled it just now. How do you pronounce it? Jeel-ouse? I don’t know. I’m sort of lost on this one. I guess the only thing I can suggest to stop you from being jealous is to just be more awesome. It’s really not that complicated.

The person who sent me the above question is also responsible for this disaster:

another thing…my grandma (my closest friend) passed away in september at the start of the school year. i don’t act any diferent at school because i act like nothing is wrong but once i get home i realize how much i changed. i get angry too fast for my own good and i say things i don’t mean before i can stop myself from hurting others. my parents notice how i stopped telling them everytihing and i want to i just lost the “will” to. i am also really confused alot of the time and i find t easier to forget what happened, though once i remember- it his hard. i miss her and the last thing i want to do is be a hypocrite and turn to cigarettes but i can’t help wanting to take something that will ease my confusion. i loved my grandma too much to disappoint her like this but i need someone’s advice. please help:D

Ooooh noooo! Don’t turn to cigarettes! You can use any substance on the planet to ease your pain, but don’t turn to cigarettes! If you do you’ll just become a blow job robot lurching around town to get money for another fix. You’ll be laying in an alley with a crusty shirt all strung out on the cigs. It’s far too dangerous of a lifestyle for anybody to handle. Get that shit out of your mind before you lose your car, your house, your family and your friends because of it. I once heard that cigarettes are so strong that you can be hospitalized just by thinking about them too much.

Now, I don’t want to be an asshole, but I don’t really have a choice, so I will be. You are an idiot. These so called problems wouldn’t be such a big deal if you wouldn’t blow them up to be one. Everyone gets jealous of other people and if they say they don’t they are lying to you (except me). As far as your grandmother dying in September is concerned, I have one question. Did she die in a 9/11 reenactment? In addition to that, was she in a plane or a building? I really need to know to see what sort of coping mechanism you need to follow. Also, judging by the fact that you essentially describe it as “taking cigarettes”, I think if you were to start with that habit you would end up doing it wrong. They are something you smoke, they’re not just really long pills.

Man, it feels good to help people.

Remember, send those Ask Josh questions in. I really can’t get enough of them. Also, help spread the word about this awesome blog using the new little buttons below. There is now Twitter, Plurk, Ping.fm, Digg, Reddit and StumbleUpon. Don’t be an asshole, help me get famous.

Tags: Advice Column, Jealousy, Old Grandma Death

Category: Advice Column