Ask Josh – Sleepy Time
Finally someone sent in another Ask Josh question. I actually started getting the shakes from not helping people for so long. I almost had to resort to hanging out downtown near an elderly person apartment complex to help some old fucks cross the street or something. It’s really a good thing that I didn’t have to go that far. It’s a slippery slope in which I would have likely met my demise. Anyways, on to the question:
I rarely seem to fall asleep normally lately. What do you do when you lay there at night, kept up by thinking about how awesome you are? Granted my insomnia is stress-induced, but I’m sure you have some awesome solutions.
I’m absolutely stunned that this question is short and to the fucking point. You all can take a lesson from this human. That’s also about the biggest compliment I’m capable of giving without completely murdering my ego. I guess occasionally I’ll tell a hot girl that she’s “somewhat decent looking for a whore”, but that’s more of a strategy to make them insecure so I can swoop in for the kill. Sure, I could try to tackle this hot girl issue head on, but where’s the fun in that? I’d rather wound them first and never let up until they’re so disillusioned that they think they love me. It’s a little something I taught Chris Brown and as you can see, it works.
Now that those secrets are out of the way, on to the answer! First of all, how dare you presume that I stay awake at night thinking about how awesome I am. That’s completely out of line. For your information, asshole, I stay awake at night thinking of all the people who can’t fall asleep because they’re thinking about how awesome I am. There’s a huge difference. Either that or you’re saying that the reason you can’t fall asleep is because you keep thinking about how awesome I am, which is both creepy and completely understandable.
The first thing I would suggest to rid yourself of this problem is to find an old friend of mine, whiskey. Basically all you have to do is start drinking it in the morning and then don’t let up until you pass out. The only problem with this method is that you’ll also have to start hating yourself, because I don’t think whiskey actually works until you do. If you find that to be a problem as well then just start thinking about how much better I am than you and the self-hate should kick in almost immediately.
I actually used to have the same problem that you’re facing. I would lay in bed tossing and turning all night while random thoughts kept popping in my head. I solved it the only way a normal, self respecting manly man could. I lit some candles and took a bubble bath while sipping on some wine. Finally, I would start a soothing nature sounds CD when I crawled into bed with my favorite stuffed bear named King Cuddles, the ruler of Sparkle Mountain and delightful dreams.
Category: Advice Column
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