Ask Josh – Whore Advice
This week I will discuss whores. I’m really thinking this whole whore thing is getting as about played out as the homosexual thing was a month ago, but at least it’s something I can relate to.
Okay, so I’ve a question for you. It’s a real brain scratcher. I am dating an old friend (yes old, 40) of mine from college who lives in DM, me in CR, part-time lover style but mostly I just want to bang my not-single coworker again, yeah I said it, again. Then there are these three other guys, blah blah blah. Yeah, so I am getting to the question…I want to know to why when it rains, it pours? And yes, I realize I am a whore and I am over it.
First, let me just say “wow”. We are really at a pinnacle of intelligence here at AbsurdlyAwesome.com. I’d like to think I have some of the smartest readers on the planet and I think this Ask Josh question is enough to prove it. I actually thought that I was close to mastering the art of unintelligible rambling, but it looks like I have a long way to go.
I guess my first piece of advice to you is to stop saying “yeah I said it”, like you’re some sort of renegade. Like you think that you’re shocking everyone by kicking open the door to the whore closet. Fucking a person who is currently married isn’t some sort of amazing feat. Actually, most people are unhappy in their marriage and they are looking for a way out, or to just escape for a little bit. It really would be harder to go out and get some stranger at a bar to catch AIDS from you. I’ve had exactly 300% more married chicks try to get me to cock them than I have single chicks.
The next part that is equally absurd is when you say “Yeah, so I am getting to the question…” and then you go right into the question. You would have gotten to the question a whole lot sooner if you didn’t tell me that the next sentence was a question. It’s sort of like leaving a note for somebody and then leaving your initials, followed by your full name in parentheses. What the fuck is the point of the initials if you write out your entire name anyways?
Then comes your awe-inspiring question, “I want to know why when it rains, it pours?” First a long story story about your whorishness that only seems shorter because you replace the majority of it with “blah, blah, blah”. Then you ask me a question about fucking precipitation? I don’t fucking get it.
Here is how I seriously dissect the whole precipitation question. All attractive girls have a stable of guys that will fuck them instantly at any given moment in their lives. The fact that you seem sort of surprised that you have so many partners has to be because you’re a fat slob and you’re not used to the attention. As for the reason you’re getting so many offers now in this moment of disgustingness? I don’t know. Have you gone to any truck stops lately? Perhaps you just started a job in a factory somewhere? Really, any place with dejected men who have lost all dignity, who just grow increasingly overweight and bitter and need to pop some disgusting slag such as yourself… Just a guess.
Category: Advice Column
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