Bad Reputation

When I was a kid I got forced into some situations where I couldn’t help but come out as the bad guy. I was a shy, nervous little kid, so I guess I was an easy target for the truly bad kids to shove all the blame onto. There are a few particular situations that come to mind where I seemed to be going down a scary path that could land me in prison or being rich, living in a mansion and banging models my whole life.

The first situation that comes to mind started out innocent enough. I was talking to my mom and her friend about something involving letters. I don’t recall what the what it was about so this is completely out of context, but the conversation ended with me saying something like “well, why don’t you just use F, U, Z, K”. Well, my mom and her friend automatically thought I said “C” instead of “Z” so I got insta-grounded for two goddamn weeks.

Getting grounded when I was a kid was never really a big deal to me. There was only one kid my age that lived on my street that I would hang out with, but I really hated him deep down. So me getting grounded actually gave me an excuse to not hang out with someone I didn’t really want to hang out with in the first place. I’d much rather hide in my room and act like there’s a monster in our house every time my mom put shoes in the dryer.

This next situation involves something that I swear I didn’t say, but once you read it you’ll think “oh, that’s classic Josh”. When I was in 5th and 6th grade I rode the bus to school every day. Something about school buses always makes kids act like big idiots and trouble makers. It was also the first time I realized I’m smarter than everybody else when I told a kid he “smelled like hot garbage” and his best rebuttal was “yeah, well you smell like 1,000 skunks”.  I knew right then that I was a step ahead of everyone else at my age in the insult department.

Well, apparently I wasn’t the only one who was advanced, because another kid on my bus brought something special for us to peruse one day on our way to school. This kid stole a huge stack of Playboys out of his parents attic and brought them on the bus. It was a really fun time and quite a learning experience. The closest thing to Playboy I had seen up to that point was when I used to watch Silk Stalkings and rub against my mattress.

It was a really good time, until the day after. When I came home from school the next day my mom was irate. She started yelling at me about some parent who called her, upset, because I harassed their child on the bus. This goddamn little bitch girl told her parents that she looked over the bus seat at me while I was taking mental boob pictures and said “eww”. Then she told her parents that I told her that “this is what a real woman looks like”.

Sure, it sounds like something I would say, but I have no recollection of this happening and I mentally catalog all of my best “zings”. Plus, if I had said that I would be a millionaire comedian right now and not writing a goddamn blog that 5 people read.

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2 Responses to “Bad Reputation”

1. Shawn says:

   October 27, 2009 at 6:52 pm

   That was a pretty good zinger on the school bus. Too bad that girl who narked was so uptight. I’m guessing she was a little on the chunky side.

   Reply
2. Maggie Hizakata says:

   October 28, 2009 at 6:00 am

   It’s sort of funny how children go through the same things. When I was in 5th grade, a boy brought a FOX Magazine to school. FOX made PlayBoy look like Oprah’s Magazine. It was really hard core and not just the boys were looking, I’d say a little over half the girls as well.

   This one boy looked for a minute and the got really upset and threatened to tell our teacher. So I tell him and the rest of the class “oh you’re just upset that you’ve not gotten your sperm yet”.

   Needless to say, I got in trouble. My teacher called my dad (single father) into school and later told him I was a pre-Madonna.

   Later that year she told my father that she was scared for me because I could lie with a straight face and my stories had vivid details. I was a better lier than any adult she knew.

   It was a good year.

   Reply