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Category: Advice Column

Advice Time – Dating With Kids: Part II

View Comments August 19, 2010 | JoshPerson

Lately it seems like all of the advice questions coming in are follow-ups from previous outstanding answers I’ve given. My website is turning into a textual soap opera, except with more talent. Anyways, you may remember this lady from her previous question about her worn out uterus.

Dear Josh,
Thanks for the advice, I agreed with most of it and stopped seeing that guy a day before your blog was posted. He at first didn’t seem to care so the break felt great. A couple weeks later he wanted a “why” and I told him about the advice you gave me and even tried to let him read your blog. He felt insulted and said he doesn’t care about what some fag on the internet thinks anyway. I didn’t care, I was just happy to be rid of him. Well, last week I ran into him at my place of employment. His friend had a job interview and he tagged a long. They were not expecting me to be the person who gave the second interview. In fact, he didn’t know I worked there at all. A day or so later I get a call about how much he misses me. He told me that he had real feelings for me and that him not knowing if he could Handel four kids was my fault for not letting him meet or spend time with them. He said that this is why I will always be miserable and alone. What do I do now?

Let’s take a moment to kick back and look at the big picture here… Seriously, the picture you sent me is huge and if I shrunk it down any further the unfunny, but supposed to be funny, sign text would not be readable. I get what the guy is doing, because I’m looking for the exact same thing, but the “hilarious” way he’s going about it makes me want to double punch his already punchable face.

Sorry about that hate jag, I get really amped up when I’m saving people’s lives via magical internet blog. Anyways, your problem is stupid. I’m just kidding, I haven’t read your question yet. That’s not true, I actually read it when you sent it in several days ago and have since forgot. You’re extremely forgettable. I’ll get to the advice in the next paragraph. I swear.

So he says he misses you and wants to get back together with you, then promptly insults you by saying you’ll be miserable and alone forever? Sounds like an award winning way to pick up a lady to me. It’s actually what I’ve been doing recently, telling the girl I’m the only one that will ever be interested in her and then paint her a picture of her grim future alone. I usually go as far as her trying to replace her need for connection with a man with the penis of a horse. That’s when things get real sexy.

The fact is that you’re probably guarded when it comes to your kids for two reasons. One, you don’t want them to meet every random creep who shares your bed and two, you’re completely embarrassed and why wouldn’t you be? Just realize that if you’re going to want to be in a long term relationship with somebody they’ll have to meet your kids eventually. It would be pretty impossible to hide the fact that you have four children from your husband, though it would make for one hilarious Disney movie. You either like and trust the guy or you don’t. There’s really no need to be such a drama queen.

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Advice Time: All About The Sexuals

View Comments July 26, 2010 | JoshPerson

Even though the plea for help I recently received revolves around one of my favorite things in the world I almost didn’t want to talk about it. In fact, I wanted to instantly delete it and then burn my computer to the ground. After you read it you’ll probably see why.

there is a guy that i really like and he wants to jave sex with me. im still a virgin and i dont think i want to have sex yet. i dont want him to think i dont like him but i want him to know that im not ready to have sex. how do i tell him?

In case you’re a simpleton who doesn’t realize what this email means I’ll break it down for you. The sender of this email can only be a 14 year old girl. I’m basing this, of course, on my junior high experiences where girls would come up to me and say “I want to talk to you about sex”. I’d get all excited thinking my time has finally come, but what they really wanted to talk about was if they should bang some other guy. It would always end the same way. I’d say “of course not, are you crazy?” out of jealousy and they’d go ahead and do it anyways.

That was 12 years ago, though, and from what I’m seeing on the TV lately things have changed. For all I know the sender of this email could actually be 9 years old. And while this post could easily be transformed into something about me hating society, I’ll try to keep it on track as much as possible.

You see, I’m extremely torn about this advice question. Part of me wants to make jokes about either banging and turning into a whore or becoming a nun and hating your vagina for the rest of your life, but I can’t seem to pull the trigger. I’ll be honest, my timidity stems from not knowing if I’m allowed to comment on something like this without getting arrested. Ever since I got fired I’ve realized that there are consequences for the words I choose to say, which is scary for a person like me who has only a small filter between my brain and my mouth. I guess the easiest way to deal with this is to just shoot from the hip, bang, bang, old west style.

You’re allowed to say you don’t want to have sex with someone. You’re allowed to. I know it’s hard to imagine someone manly and attractive as me ever getting turned down, but it’s happened. Usually after I insult their mother. So if you don’t want to have sex with someone tell them exactly that. The worst thing that will happen is he’ll say to himself “well, I guess I’m not going to be having sex with this girl.” What else can he do, assuming he’s not a rapist in training? It’s really not that fucking hard if you’re not a complete idiot pushover.

In case I wasn’t convincing enough for you maybe the great philosopher Milo Turk will have some influence.

Oh, I should also direct you to never email me again if you are, in fact, a child. I like my freedoms.

To have your problems figured out by a non-professional like me, send them in on this handy dandy form.

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Advice Time – Dating With Kids

View Comments June 14, 2010 | JoshPerson

The advice question I got sent in this week is about the length of one of my regular blog posts, but not nearly as entertaining. To make it easier for you, I’ll embolden all the pertinent information so you don’t have to sift through this river of madness, like I did. You should thank me.

I’m twenty seven years old. I’ve been divorced for going on two years. I was married for eight years, and have four children. First, I’m not mormon…. although I did live in Utah several different times in my life. I look at men, women, dating and life a lot different then most people. I was rasied by a single father and I usually can spot an asshole a mile away because of this. My father taught me to be strong and indepenent , so you can only imagine how pissed he was when I married a rich man for money as opposed to love. I paid for it all in the end. In the past year without any help from my husband, I bought my own home, got an amazing job promotion etc. I take care of my family on my own. He hardly has seen his children in the past two years. So, I’m not a needy person, nor am I an annoying “welfare mom&qu ot;. I’m indepenent and take care of my own household. Well, after two years of not really trying to date, I just said fuck it. I’ve been seeing a few people here and there. I got really close to one and things seemed to be going ok untill we had a talk last night. He said that he thinks I’m great, amazing even. He told me I’m the most awesome girl to talk to, we have soo much in common, sex is beyond fantastic… BUT he feels he needs to be honest with me and at this point, he doesn’t seem himself getting past the facr that I have four children. I feel crushed… I liked the guy, didn’t really have feelings for him. But I did enjoy my time with him. He gives me the impression that he still wants to see me, seeing as he did tell me to call him. I’m pissed off though. I can’t even say I didn’t see this coming because to be honest, I don’t even get this close to most guys because my kids stop it before it starts. So Josh, my question… well…. the area I need advice in is this… Do I just give up on dating untill my kids are grown? So we’re talking my 40′s? Do I accept being alone? Have random sex with random people? Stop caring? Suicide maybe? Thanks in advance!

As you can see, 90% of this email was not needed. It also made me forget to unclick the “bold” button after altering it, which pisses me off more than it probably should. I realize I could have unclicked it at any moment now, but I feel like if I did that she would win. So out of spite this whole blog post will be in bold. Plus, I don’t know how much advice I could give her so the emboldened nature of this post will make it look like I wrote more than I actually did, sort of like how I used to reach the two page minimum on reports for school. I’m the reason teachers across the world had to start saying “2 pages, double spaced, 12 point Times New Roman font, no bold”.

I guess the first thing I would point out is that some guys just don’t like kids. The reason these people still date you is because they know you’re “easy pickins”, so to speak. If you only had one kid then I could understand a guy eventually getting to a point where he says “Gee, I don’t know if I can deal with this”. But, you have four goddamn kids so they should know exactly what kind of hell on earth they’re getting themselves into. This guy definitely went in with the intention of not sticking around.

He even played it perfectly, basically saying “we can still get together to partake in sexual relations, but I, in no way, want anything to do with your baby collection”. This guy saw your four kids, saw that there’s no “baby daddy” around and immediately thought “this girl is easy to trick”. You could fix this problem by not being so loose (LOL!) and gullible. Finding a partner you click with is tough, but finding one you click with who is also completely alright with a filled school bus worth of kids will be a million times more difficult.

Come to think of it, I can’t imagine a type of guy who would be 100% alright with four kids, except maybe a 40-something, sterile, Mormon man. There’s nothing a man wants less than to spend the night at a girl’s house only to wake up and spend the next 14 hours of his day helping the kids get ready for school. You’re not even in the position to say “this is nonsense, guys are such assholes”. If you were single and had no kids at all, would you long-term date a guy who fills a mini-van to full capacity with kids? Probably not.

My advice is to date older, rich men. Older men are more likely to deal with kids if they’re sexing a younger chick regularly. Plus, if he’s super rich he can just pay a team of maids to deal with your kids in the guest house so he’ll never have to deal with them. Either that or go for the sterile Mormon that I mentioned earlier. Also, when you introduce a man to your kids for the first time say something along the lines of “These are my kids, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Will you help me plan out the rest of my week?”

Need advice for some situation that’s happening in your life? Send in your question and I will gladly help you out in blog post format. Don’t worry, all your information is completely confidential and I will never post your name.

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