there is a guy that i really like and he wants to jave sex with me. im still a virgin and i dont think i want to have sex yet. i dont want him to think i dont like him but i want him to know that im not ready to have sex. how do i tell him?

In case you’re a simpleton who doesn’t realize what this email means I’ll break it down for you. The sender of this email can only be a 14 year old girl. I’m basing this, of course, on my junior high experiences where girls would come up to me and say “I want to talk to you about sex”. I’d get all excited thinking my time has finally come, but what they really wanted to talk about was if they should bang some other guy. It would always end the same way. I’d say “of course not, are you crazy?” out of jealousy and they’d go ahead and do it anyways.

That was 12 years ago, though, and from what I’m seeing on the TV lately things have changed. For all I know the sender of this email could actually be 9 years old. And while this post could easily be transformed into something about me hating society, I’ll try to keep it on track as much as possible.

You see, I’m extremely torn about this advice question. Part of me wants to make jokes about either banging and turning into a whore or becoming a nun and hating your vagina for the rest of your life, but I can’t seem to pull the trigger. I’ll be honest, my timidity stems from not knowing if I’m allowed to comment on something like this without getting arrested. Ever since I got fired I’ve realized that there are consequences for the words I choose to say, which is scary for a person like me who has only a small filter between my brain and my mouth. I guess the easiest way to deal with this is to just shoot from the hip, bang, bang, old west style.

You’re allowed to say you don’t want to have sex with someone. You’re allowed to. I know it’s hard to imagine someone manly and attractive as me ever getting turned down, but it’s happened. Usually after I insult their mother. So if you don’t want to have sex with someone tell them exactly that. The worst thing that will happen is he’ll say to himself “well, I guess I’m not going to be having sex with this girl.” What else can he do, assuming he’s not a rapist in training? It’s really not that fucking hard if you’re not a complete idiot pushover.

In case I wasn’t convincing enough for you maybe the great philosopher Milo Turk will have some influence.

Oh, I should also direct you to never email me again if you are, in fact, a child. I like my freedoms.

To have your problems figured out by a non-professional like me, send them in on this handy dandy form.

Technorati Tags: advice, milo turk, no sex allowed, sex

I’m twenty seven years old. I’ve been divorced for going on two years. I was married for eight years, and have four children. First, I’m not mormon…. although I did live in Utah several different times in my life. I look at men, women, dating and life a lot different then most people. I was rasied by a single father and I usually can spot an asshole a mile away because of this. My father taught me to be strong and indepenent , so you can only imagine how pissed he was when I married a rich man for money as opposed to love. I paid for it all in the end. In the past year without any help from my husband, I bought my own home, got an amazing job promotion etc. I take care of my family on my own. He hardly has seen his children in the past two years. So, I’m not a needy person, nor am I an annoying “welfare mom&qu ot;. I’m indepenent and take care of my own household. Well, after two years of not really trying to date, I just said fuck it. I’ve been seeing a few people here and there. I got really close to one and things seemed to be going ok untill we had a talk last night. He said that he thinks I’m great, amazing even. He told me I’m the most awesome girl to talk to, we have soo much in common, sex is beyond fantastic… BUT he feels he needs to be honest with me and at this point, he doesn’t seem himself getting past the facr that I have four children. I feel crushed… I liked the guy, didn’t really have feelings for him. But I did enjoy my time with him. He gives me the impression that he still wants to see me, seeing as he did tell me to call him. I’m pissed off though. I can’t even say I didn’t see this coming because to be honest, I don’t even get this close to most guys because my kids stop it before it starts. So Josh, my question… well…. the area I need advice in is this… Do I just give up on dating untill my kids are grown? So we’re talking my 40′s? Do I accept being alone? Have random sex with random people? Stop caring? Suicide maybe? Thanks in advance!

As you can see, 90% of this email was not needed. It also made me forget to unclick the “bold” button after altering it, which pisses me off more than it probably should. I realize I could have unclicked it at any moment now, but I feel like if I did that she would win. So out of spite this whole blog post will be in bold. Plus, I don’t know how much advice I could give her so the emboldened nature of this post will make it look like I wrote more than I actually did, sort of like how I used to reach the two page minimum on reports for school. I’m the reason teachers across the world had to start saying “2 pages, double spaced, 12 point Times New Roman font, no bold”.

I guess the first thing I would point out is that some guys just don’t like kids. The reason these people still date you is because they know you’re “easy pickins”, so to speak. If you only had one kid then I could understand a guy eventually getting to a point where he says “Gee, I don’t know if I can deal with this”. But, you have four goddamn kids so they should know exactly what kind of hell on earth they’re getting themselves into. This guy definitely went in with the intention of not sticking around.

He even played it perfectly, basically saying “we can still get together to partake in sexual relations, but I, in no way, want anything to do with your baby collection”. This guy saw your four kids, saw that there’s no “baby daddy” around and immediately thought “this girl is easy to trick”. You could fix this problem by not being so loose (LOL!) and gullible. Finding a partner you click with is tough, but finding one you click with who is also completely alright with a filled school bus worth of kids will be a million times more difficult.

Come to think of it, I can’t imagine a type of guy who would be 100% alright with four kids, except maybe a 40-something, sterile, Mormon man. There’s nothing a man wants less than to spend the night at a girl’s house only to wake up and spend the next 14 hours of his day helping the kids get ready for school. You’re not even in the position to say “this is nonsense, guys are such assholes”. If you were single and had no kids at all, would you long-term date a guy who fills a mini-van to full capacity with kids? Probably not.

My advice is to date older, rich men. Older men are more likely to deal with kids if they’re sexing a younger chick regularly. Plus, if he’s super rich he can just pay a team of maids to deal with your kids in the guest house so he’ll never have to deal with them. Either that or go for the sterile Mormon that I mentioned earlier. Also, when you introduce a man to your kids for the first time say something along the lines of “These are my kids, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Will you help me plan out the rest of my week?”

Need advice for some situation that’s happening in your life? Send in your question and I will gladly help you out in blog post format. Don’t worry, all your information is completely confidential and I will never post your name.

Technorati Tags: advice, bold = annoying, dating moms, dating with kids

So your advice was funny but he had a girlfriend. :( Now there is this guy (whore i know, already on to a new guy) who is on a “break” 9she refuses to let him dump her) with his girlfriend and i dont know what to do. since you OBVIOUSLY have such great social skills and have all of the girls are throwing themselves at you id like to ask if you have any advice for me.

First of all, I’m completely offended that you found my advice funny. This is a serious website where I help people with real issues. It’s not just some joke. Perhaps you didn’t understand my advice completely because you’re not smart enough to compute my level of genius.

Since you failed to give me all the information in your last question and I’m afraid you’re doing the same with this one I’m going to make some assumptions about your current whorey situation. I’m going to assume that since you know this new guy’s dating situation you’ve talked to him about it and probably expressed some sort of feelings towards him. If that’s wrong, I don’t really care.

The bottom line here is that he doesn’t have any interest in you whatsoever. How do I know this? Because slavery was abolished a long time ago. This guy’s current girlfriend isn’t allowed to keep him in the “break” stage of a relationship against his will while she’s out getting railed by every man who doesn’t throw up at the sight of her dumb, ugly head (I told you I would assume things). He’s allowed to say “we’re done” and move on and he would say that if he was interested in you at all.

So him telling you that he isn’t allowed to break up with his current girlfriend is just a way to tell you that he either legitimately wants to keep trying to work things out with her, or he’s stretching out the non-relationship out until someone better comes along. That way he doesn’t have to deal with a girl who has the body type/teeth of a female Slimer, like you (I’m assuming when you broke your collarbone you basically crumpled into an upright human puddle).

The only real advice that I can give you is to move on… Again. You clearly don’t have any qualms with falling in love at the drop of a hat, so just go to a public place, open your eyes really wide and look around. You’ll probably fall in love with every single man there. Just remember, sometimes it takes the uglies a little bit longer to find a loving partner who can handle their particular level of gross.

Hmm, I wonder why I don’t get more requests for advice… Anyways, don’t be afraid to send in your advice questions here. Sure, I was slightly mean to this broad, but that’s just because she thought she could pull one over on the sarcasm king with her last sentence. She was wrong. My crown remains intact and continues to be a complete girl magnet.

Technorati Tags: advice, slimer

Since this is the first advice question I’ve posted in a long while and I likely have new visitors I’d like to walk you guys through how this works. All you have to do is click the link at the top called “Ask For Advice” and send in questions or situations that you’re having problems with. I’ll post your submission and my advice to you in a blog post. Done and done.

During Phys. Ed. last semester one of the guys in tha class fell on me and broke my collarbone. He felt really bad about it. He gave me a gift card to the movies. Now I like him. What do I do?

Man, I’ve been getting it wrong for so many years. When I try to get a girl to like me I usually try to be nice, but throw in some playful teasing to keep it interesting. Little did I know that I should be breaking her bones instead. I think you’re the one who’s giving the advice today and I appreciate it. The next time I see a girl I like I’ll just take a hammer to her arm, apologize profusely and then give her a gift card to a place I’m planning on taking her for our first date.

Since you were so kind in giving this fantastic advice to me I now feel obligated to give you the best advice in the world, and so I will. My first reaction upon reading your question was that you have a case of Stockholm Sydrome, but then I looked up what that is on Wikipedia and realized I was completely wrong… Unless, of course, after he broken your bones he locked you in his basement for several months.

In all honesty I think you should just go for it and ask him out or at least trick him into asking you out. If he hates you and thinks you’re a slob he wouldn’t have gone out of his way to be nice and give you a gift. You may not know this about guys, but for us there are only two types of women. Ones that we take a romantic interest in whether it be  just sex or a relationship and the other type consists of all other women, which we absolutely cannot stand. So the fact that he didn’t just say “Umm, my mom told me I have to come in here and say sorry… So sorry. Bye.” is a really good indication that he’s into you.

Plus, as I alluded to earlier, he got you a gift card to a typical date location. This is brilliant, especially if when he gave it to you he said “you can use this to treat you and your boyfriend, if you have a boyfriend… Umm, do you have a boyfriend?” It’s also great because it almost acts like the promise of a date as if he was saying “I will help you use this, but not for a little while.” If that’s the case you may be asking yourself “what is he waiting for?” The answer is simple. He’s probably waiting for you to get all healed and out of your full body cast or whatever embarrassing treatment option you’re forced to wear.

Need advice for some situation that’s happening in your life? Send in your question and I will gladly help you out in blog post format. Don’t worry, all your information is completely confidential and I will never post your name.

Technorati Tags: advice

Dear Josh,
I’m such a pussy. I worry about everything.
Please help!

Dear Josh,
I am a lazy ass. I try to get up early in the morning, but I just can’t do it. Apparently I have enough willpower to fill out this form, but not roll myself out of bed in the morning.
Please help!

I’ll cut the usual foreplay and go right for the pussy (question). I used to be exactly like you, the only difference is that I was five years old and afraid of everything. I really don’t understand people who worry constantly. To me worrying is just a sign of not being drunk enough. I overcame my worry problem as a child because I started drinking whiskey at a very young age. I think this tactic effectively murdered all the cells in the “worry center” of my brain.

If you’re not into being black-out drunk all day all night then whenever you start worrying about something just ask yourself “what would Josh do?” The answer to this question 90 times out of 100 is “he’d probably just say ‘fuck it’”. This is actually the main concept behind my new book “Fuck It Therapy: How to Get Rid of Your Mind’s Vagina”. Also, if you were wondering what the answer is the other 10 out of 100 times it’s “eat a quesadilla”.

Now comes the question about being lazy. For starters you could always refer back to my previous blog post about how to get motivated. The guy who asked me that question hasn’t written back with any problems or follow up questions, so I’m guessing it’s all working out fine for him. So just follow that previous post and start writing me checks.

If you read that and you’re worried about it not working (because that’s what you do) then you should probably just force yourself into a near-death experience. Nothing gets a man motivated like almost dying and realizing how pathetic his life has actually been so far. Believe me, when near death you’ll be thinking “if I could only survive this I’ll wake up early every morning and really try to make a difference in this world. I should also probably try bedding more chicks because I don’t want to die with my bang count being this low.”

Need some advice about how to fix your life? Just write in and ask for some help! For all other nonsensical questions check out my new-ish Mini-Ask Josh form.

Technorati Tags: advice, motivation, worry

Dear Josh,

How can I be more romantic? My girlfriend says I’m not romantic enough anymore. When we first started dating, I’d do all kinds of cutesy couple-like things for her, but I don’t anymore.

Please help!

Like I said, this is a very common situation to be in. I don’t know how many housewives say this same thing to me as they beg me to bang them. It can also lead to the end of a relationship if you don’t play it exactly like I’m going to instruct you. So either follow my advice, or die lonely. It’s really up to you.

The first thing you have to do is decode what your girlfriend is really trying to say. Girls say this all the time and you shouldn’t always take it at face value. I don’t know if you noticed this, but girls have a habit of needing something to bitch about constantly. This may be the only thing that her feeble little mind could come up with.

How can you tell if the complaint is real or not? Easy, by body language. If she says it while crying after watching a “chick flick” or reading a romance novel then you have nothing to worry about. She’s probably just influenced by the dickless, homosexual writer’s idea of a real man. It will pass. However, if she says it with a bitch face and refuses to put out for an extended period of time then you’re in the danger zone.

Now, most people will probably tell you to start doing a bunch of sweet stuff immediately, but that’s completely wrong. Even if it is a real issue to her it doesn’t exactly mean what you think it does. In reality, she’s just trying to control you. If you give up all your power and start doing nothing but nice things to her then she’s going to give up on you because you’re not a challenge anymore.

Sure, you can still do the occasional nice thing, but you have to mix it with something slightly mean. Always hold your ground as a real man. Don’t let this screwed in the head mate of yours turn you into a girly-man who loves romantic comedies and gets way too into the idea of having kids.

An ideal situation where you can still be sweet is by buying her flowers one day, but as you’re handing them over to her say something along the lines of “here you go, you fucking bitch”. You could also say something like “hey idiot, lets go for a romantic walk on the beach so I can look at babes that are hotter than you”. The second one is great because it throws in something for them to be insecure about, which is always fantastic.

I know these strategies seem uncommon and your gut reaction may be to avoid them at all costs. However, you have to realize that most relationships end, usually horribly. All these relationships are doomed from the beginning because men all follow the same terrible logic that you’re probably thinking about following yourself by completely submitting to her needs. These idiot men all take their romantic cues from shows like “Friends” – it’s absurd. So get your dick out of your heart and join me in the man club (not gay).

Technorati Tags: Advice Column, romance

Josh,
I’ve been reading some of your entries, and noticed you’re accepting questions. I’m curios as to how a person is motivated when he/she is barely emotional. Are there any motivational techniques that remain permanently? I understand that a person’s motivation for anything could be caused by money, anger, fear, happiness, medicines (drugs) and more. However, I stopped feeling the need for any of the listed stuff; although, I understand that money is needed to live a decent life. I am eighteen years old; I attend school and go to work, daily. But, I could care less about my so called daily “responsibilities,” that seemed to be adopted by the majority of the people who are surrounding me everywhere I go. I think I’ve become a robot who performs repetitive tasks.

Also, I hope I don’t get a bullshit answer that includes the word God, we all know that’s some fictional crap.

The best thing that you could do is go to absurdlyawesome.com/donate and not only send me all the cash you have available, but also max out your credit cards sending me money. Then you should email me for my address and send me all of your expensive electronic equipment, car, basically whatever you have of value. Once you’re left with absolutely nothing except massive debt you’ll have to work up enough motivation to actually do something with your life or you’ll just end up a homeless bum giving blowjobs to closeted business men for a sandwich and a blanket.

If you’re not at all interested in doing that, then you’re an idiot, but I guess you could also do something like find the one thing you want more than anything in the world. Take, for instance, me. My overall goal is to amass enough money to hole up somewhere and never have to see another goddamn person for the rest of my life. If, perhaps, you want a hot babe of a girlfriend more than anything, then just realize that all girls are gold digging whores who aren’t good for anything besides being verbal punching bags, then get enough money to basically buy the woman you want.

I’ve been thinking about your situation for about a week now and these are the only two things I can come up with to help you. My advice is really so cutting edge that I’ll be surprised if anyone in the world thinks these are good ideas, but soon you’ll all realize the genius behind my ways. If after that you still think I’m insane then you could just go the traditional route and pray to the almighty God to give you the strength you need to get through these hard times. You see, God loves all of us so much that he gives us the choice to either follow him or be damned to suffer in Hell for all eternity. You should really be grateful for this choice and start following him now as he is the only one who can truly help you.

Technorati Tags: Advice Column, Advice Column, motivation

I’m a married woman of a certain age (old enough to know better) and find myself in the awkward position of having a co-worker who is young enough to be my son, flirting with me and making suggestions by text which should send me running for cover but which in fact I am now seriously considering. We have met secretly once just for a drink but I know there is an offer on the table if I want to take it – I want to but don’t know if I should. The married bit isn’t a concern to me anymore (that’s a separate Ask Josh entirely) – my main concern is our ages and the fact that we work together.  This could all go so wrong and yet …

Should I take what may be my only offer or do you think he’s just calling my bluff and going to make a fool of me – and how would I even know? I know younger guys think of the older woman as some sort of challenge but I don’t want to just be a notch on the bed post. Nor the office slag for that matter. My biggest nightmare, aside from being seen naked, is being talked about behind my back and being seen as a desperate fool. WWJD?

This reminds me of similar situations that I’ve found myself in many times before. In my particular situations it never ended up working out, because I wasn’t desperate enough yet to get murdered by an angry husband just to rub around on a some common whore mom. Don’t worry though, had those situations came up now, where I’m at the peak of desperation, I’d be all up inside it.

Your main problem here seems to be confidence. You probably would have gone through with it already if you didn’t have such body issues. The thing you fail to realize is that some younger guys have cougar fetishes. We’re They’re not looking for “porn moms” who are 19 and freshly babied only because they couldn’t afford an abortion. They’re looking for the legitimate older lady, mediocre to terrible bodies and all. There’s something hot about bedding a broad who it’d be slightly embarrassing to bang if it ever got out. It can be a huge turn on… I hear.

I know what I just said doesn’t do a whole lot for your body confidence, but if you do end up letting this guy pound you, he most likely won’t tell anybody because of it. His reputation is on the line if it ever gets out, which is far more valuable than your failing marriage which probably won’t last very much longer anyways.

Plus, who just picks out a random older married lady to trick into almost banging them only to pull away at the last second and make fun of them? That guy would either have to be outrageously bored or my new hero. So, I say that you should go for it and if it is just an elaborate plan to embarrass you and ruin your life then tell this guy about my site so I can get him to write articles about his conquests of deceiving old marrieds. I don’t say this very often because I’m knowledgeable in all things, but I feel I could learn something from this bright young man.

Send in your own “Ask Josh” question right here!

Technorati Tags: banging olds, cougar, failing marriage

Here’s another person who’s depressed, probably not by daylight savings time:

I’m constantly in a morbidly depressed state of being. What can I do to change the way I look at life in general?

Man, I feel your pain. I too have had dark thoughts, and not just dealing with the whole daylight savings situation. My morbid depression hits me every time I see a sexy lady and mentally talk myself out of hitting on her with my usual “eh, she’s probably a whore” excuse. But don’t think for one minute that I’m taking your problem lightly. Depression is a very serious thing.

I find the best thing to combat depression is to find the positives in your life and try to slowly build up positive momentum. Also, if possible, surround yourself with little puppies and kittens. Pack your house with them so you can barely even walk in it. Sure, you’ll probably step on a few, accidentally murdering them, but after the shriek of puppy death you’ll instantly be cheered up because you’ll see three of them snuggling in the corner against a stuffed teddy bear that’s wearing a little top hat and a monocle.

I guess you could always go the pill route, but I don’t think that’s really a good idea. It seems like taking pills for depression only makes you not be able to feel anything. Before you know it, you’ll be rebelling against your parents who put you on the drug until the day you stand up to them and say “I don’t care what you say, I’d rather feel nothing but pain for the rest of my life than feel nothing at all”… Or at least that’s what I’ve gathered from all the made for TV movies that I use as masturbatory warm up.

If neither of those techniques seem to work out you could always find solace in the fact that if you’re a cute girl I will probably bang you. That should be enough to give you a lifetime of happiness right there. Hell, even if you’re average or ugly looking, but are rich, I’ll definitely still bang you. Plus, if that’s the case then you’ll even get the added bonus of me instantly marrying you for your riches. Let’s face it though, if you’re insanely rich you’re probably not depressed because money is really the one, true happiness maker.

Desperately need some advice like this depressed individual? Email me your problem and I’ll talk about it right here on the site!

Technorati Tags: Advice Column, daylight savings time, depression

Dear Josh,
I just started my undergraduate mechanical engineering track and I really like what I’m learning. However, I have a slight loathing for cars, and I’m not that interested in aerospace technology. Whenever I tell someone that I picked mechanical engineering, after the usual oooh, they start telling me about cars or airplanes, at which point I lose interest in the conversation. Did I pick the wrong major?

Now let me start off by saying, I know absolutely nothing about engineering. I’m pretty much the exact opposite of an engineering-type guy. First of all, I’m handsome, clean and have some semblance of a personality. To me, engineers are the type of people who have no thoughts outside of their work. They can’t even hang out with the wife and kids for five minutes without convulsing because all they want to do is be balls deep in some sort of dark grease while holding old, dirty wrenches.

So, the fact that you’re already not that into it really speaks volumes about what you should do. I’d say, if you don’t have dreams about marrying a drum of motor oil, or fantasize about pulling gigantic, complicated levers then you’ve made a wrong turn. I would imagine you could go into other areas besides cars and airplanes, but I have really no idea and I don’t care enough about you to do any research on the topic whatsoever.

Luckily, with my lack of knowledge comes my kick ass intuition. From the moment I read your email I could tell that you are out of your element. You really don’t want to do what you’re doing. You might, instead want to be a race car driver in a small town where the biggest highlight of your life would be coming in 2nd at the county fair. Or, I could give you grandma advice and tell you an uplifting story about the neighbors son who “does computers for a living and is making lots of money in it. You should look into it.”

You could also do what the young man did in the movie “Into The Wild” (and in real life) and pack bare essentials into a bag and travel across the country, but instead of giving your life savings to charity you can send it over on my donate page. Or you could start a publishing company and pay me thousands of dollars to write something for it. I’m just looking out for your best interests. I really want to see you succeed in life.

Technorati Tags: advice, engineering