Why did I just have to post this and why does it make me happy? Well, mainly because it makes me look like a huggable, lovable puppy dog. Sure, I’ve said some vicious, potentially offensive stuff on this blog and in life, but nothing I’ve ever said could be compared to the insanity that is Mel Gibson.

Even though this audio makes everything I’ve typed on this blog look rational part of me wants to look at it as a challenge imposed by Mr. Gibson directly to me. I feel like I now need to outdo him with a crazy rant of my own. All of a sudden I’m in a bat-shit-crazy-off with Mel Gibson, but it’s one that I would never be able to win. Why? Because he seems to be against big boobs, which may be the most insane thing I’ve ever heard. The “your boobs are too big” part of the rant makes the “if you get raped by a pack of niggers” part of the rant look like a playful jab between two lovely and innocent 6-year-old girls. I’ve really never heard anything more offensive in my entire life.

Technorati Tags: mel gibson, n-words, racist, rant

Shauna Sand, cougar extraordinaire and ex of Lorenzo Lamas, is the latest and, arguably, the oldest celeb to star in her own commercially released sex tape. The self-proclaimed 38-year-old (clears throat), a mother of three, would not be outdone by onetime adult stars Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. She will have her X-rated coming out via Shauna Sand Exposed, a DVD getting released by leading porn maker Vivid on Wednesday, the company announced today. (LA Weekly)

Sure, she’s an ex-Playboy model, so how scary could it be? Oh yeah, she looks like she was built by some nerd scientist in an effort to make a female sex robot version of Howard the duck, mixed with a hint of zombie.

I know what you’re saying, “but, being a Playboy model, she’s got to at least have a great body, right?” I saw the trailer for this disaster and can’t seem to make up my mind about her body. In some shots her implants look they they’re diseased watermelons that fell off the back of a truck and in others they look perfectly fine. It’s quite the dilemma my penis has to deal with. It’s a good thing he usually shies away from implants, because they often cause too much confusion. He’s been burned one to many times by unmarked tranny porn.

Also, while watching the trailer I couldn’t help but notice how well shot the whole thing was. Unless she was banging an actual pornographer, there is no way that this wasn’t purposely created to give her exposure and “boost her career”, which up to this point has been Playboy and some incredibly terrible movies that nobody has ever fucking heard of. Instead of overdosing, like a good, fake whore, she’ll probably be on televisions across America in a matter of months.

Maybe I’m just jealous because this sex tape will almost certainly land her a reality show, which she’ll get paid millions to do. It’ll turn out just like the Kardashian situation, except extremely more terrifying. At least I would actually bang Kardashian, though. Don’t get me wrong, it wouldn’t be enjoyable at all. Hell, it’d probably be like trying to bang a rocket launcher wound, with all the black dudes she’s been with, but I still think it would be more respectable than flailing around with a half melted Barbie doll, like Sand.

Technorati Tags: howard the duck, kardashian, sex tape, shauna sand

Some people think that Jamie Foxx would be good at playing Barack Obama in a movie, or something:

“The actor, who imitated Barack Obama at the We Are Once kick-off concert at the Lincoln Memorial on Sunday, seemed ready to portray the President-elect.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Foxx tells Usmagazine.com at the Declare Yourself event at the Renaissance Hotel in Washington, D.C. on Sunday. “He’s going to do his own movie for the next four to eight years.”

He added: “It’s going to be incredible.”

Foxx, who recently began discussing politics on his Sirius radio show called The Foxxhole, tells Us that his listeners have responded to Obama’s message.”

I guess the real story here is that Jamie Foxx is gay now. Being gay is really the only reasonable explanation to referencing your “hole” in the title of your radio show. I would imagine his radio show is basically people calling in and telling him what black people in history he should play in a movie… That and a lot of gay anal sex references. I also think that if there was a movie about Obama it should be played by Samuel L Jackson, because he’s really not in enough movies. Plus, the idea of our president saying “mutha fucka” constantly would make me truly proud to be an American.

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Technorati Tags: Jamie Foxx

Apparently Amy Winehouse has been near death twice because of her addiction to every drug on the planet, including some that haven’t been invented yet, however that works. This is what her father told People:

I actually got word that she’s been dead for months now and that Columbian drug lords were using her body to transport drugs like some sort of ultra sexy, drug fueled version of Weekend at Bernie’s. I’ve also heard that if you play connect the dots with the track marks on her arm it actually forms a heroin filled syringe. Which story sounds the most fake? I don’t know. I’d probably have to go with the one that says she’s been close to death only twice.

Technorati Tags: Amy Winehouse, Drugs

So this week, I’ll post those three sample articles here on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday plus a new, regular blog post on Thursday. If you think these are retarded then you might want to sit out for a couple days and come back when everything is back to normal. Again, these were from months ago so they may be a little dated now, but you get the point.

Anyways, here goes the first one:

In a move that gets filed under the “This should surprise nobody and we don’t really give a shit” category, Jenny McCarthy has spoken out about the dead and allegedly (or something) autistic son of John Travolta.

“When I first heard the news about Jett, I slowly kind of sat down… because my heart went out to them – you know, such compassion and understanding for what they’ve gone through,”

“Last year, Evan had another seizure where he seized for seven hours on and off and we had to put him in a coma for four days so he wouldn’t go into cardiac arrest,” Jenny revealed. “So looking at Jett, I cried out of fear for my own son, and for, I can’t even tell you how many children, with autism.” Jenny told Access Hollywood.

I know when my heart goes out to something I quickly stand up, so just knowing that she slowly sat down makes me think she’s full of shit. She probably slowly sat down because she just got plastic surgery again and didn’t want to tear anything open. It’s also kind of sad that this is the first semi-attractive woman to give Jett Travolta any attention. After all, the kid was probably locked in a dungeon his whole life. If Jenny really cared about Jett’s situation, instead of just using his death as a ploy to get in front of the cameras and say “hey, I’m still relevant”, she would have at least sat him down once or twice and given him a lesson about what silicone feels like.

Technorati Tags: Jenny McCarthy, Jett Travolta