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Category: Dream Interpretations

Not a Real Dream Interpretation

View Comments September 8, 2009 | JoshPerson

I’ll be honest, lately I’ve been kind of sick of interpreting dreams. I know, I help millions of people with my dream intelligence and future telling sorcery, but I’m just starting to get burned out. With that being said, I just got a couple of dreams sent in that I don’t really have to interpret, because they hurt my brain powers too much to even understand. Hopefully these will un-burn me out of doing dream interpretations so I can get back to making the world a better place the only way I know how.

Disclaimer: If you have idiot overload seizures or sustain brain damage from attempting to read this dream, I am not responsible in any way.

IT WAS PROM SEASON AND I WAS IN HIGHSCHOOL THE PROM WAS AT A CONCERT AT NIGHT MY DRESS HAD GOTTEN RUINED SO MY DATE GOT ME A DRESS OUT OF NO WHERE WHEN I GOT OUT OF THE BATHROOM ALL OF MY GROUP OF FREINDS WHERE GONE.SO I WENT BACK TO THE TOUR BUS WE ARRIVED IN BEFORE I STEPED ON IT I SAW NURSE DRESSED IN SHORT BLACK DRESSES WITH AXES IN THERE HANDS,ONE OF MY FREINDS GOT HIT WITH THE AXE AND A GHOULISH CREATURE CAME OUT OF THE GROUND AND I THINK HE WAS THEE MASTER. MY FREIND TRIED TO STEP ON THE BUS BUT SHE FELL ASLEEP ON THE BOTTOM STEP I KNEW I COULDNT PULL HER UP IN TIME SO I KICKED HER OFF THE STEPS AND CLOSED THE DOOR WHILE THE GHOUL TRIED TO RAM IT OPEN. I GOT IT CLOSED AND HE WHIPED SOME FROST OFF THE WINDSHEILD AND I SAW HIM WITH SOMETHING BIG,HE WAS GOING TO BREAK THE GLASS BUT I WOKE UP RIGHT BEFORE HE DID… <3

The good thing about this cluster fuck “dream” is that I probably don’t really need to make fun of it, because if you read it you should see the humor automatically… That’s if you can actually read the goddamn thing. When I first got this dream I thought it was written with Chinese characters, then I shook my head violently to make sure my eyes were aligned correctly and when I looked at it again I thought it was a transcript of a Hitler speech. It wasn’t until the third time I looked at this dream that I realized that an actual human wrote this in a serious frame of mind, and then depression sank in.

After spending 74 hours trying to decode this disaster I did notice some shocking things about it. The first thing that boggled my mind is how this person can spell “ghoulish creature” perfectly, but misspell “friend” every goddamn time. That in itself made my eyes roll back in my head so ferociously that I did a back-flip. Other than that, we have the usual forms of complete idiocy (caps lock, terrible punctuation, misspellings, wrong “there/their/they’re” usage, etc).

I’m not exactly the best writer in the world and I’ve had my fair share of horrid spelling and grammar mistakes, but I’m at least able to make sense most of the time. So, I’m not trying to say that I’m better than this person because they appear to be terrible at everything, but I’m definitely better than this person in every way possible. I could read a book about how everything George W Bush did was correct because he was guided by Jesus, and be less mentally annoyed than I was when I read this dream.

As I mentioned before, I recently got a couple dreams sent in that I don’t really have to interpret. This was the first one. What about the second one? It was sent in by the same goddamn person. So I’ll probably post that one up soon and delve a little deeper into my internal hatred container. I also just want to note that the person who sent this in is a black woman, so if I get shot down outside of a Wal-Mart or finger-wagged to death, you all know where to start the suspect search.

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Dream Interpretation – Mrs. Forgetful

View Comments June 1, 2009 | JoshPerson

This marks the last dream I have in my hopper, so send those bitches in. Also, I’ve been out of “Ask Josh” questions for a while as well, so send some of those in too. Here’s today’s dream:

I have this recurring dream at least once a week for the past several years. I need to get somewhere (i.e work, airport etc.) and I A) can’t find my keys B) can’t find my purse C) can’t find my car or if I have my car all the roads have changed and I can’t find my way there. It drives me nuts, I don’t lose things in real life. Please help me!!!!

This dream is pretty easy to interpret, really. I wish you people would challenge me more. Some may say that this dream means you’re sort of a scatter brain in real life, or that you easily misplace things that would help you get anywhere in life. They would interpret the dream literally, but I want to go a completely different direction.

I think the reason you can’t find your keys or purse is because you have the mentality of a 3rd grader. You probably think that you’re not grown up enough to have these things so they disappear completely from your dream. You probably also still watch cartoons, cry when you don’t get your way and either have no idea what sex is, or if you do you probably think you just rub up and down on someone else with your clothes still on.

Having the roads change also fits in with my theory. When you’re young you have no idea what roads take you where. Sure, you may have a general idea where something is at, but the best you could really do is point in the direction you think it’s at. You also probably never bring beverages along with you when you drive, because you think “drinking and driving” includes every single beverage. Really, anything that falls under the “I’m a dumb fucking kid and I don’t know any better” category.

You really should be ashamed of yourself. I know way too many people who still act like children. Now, I’m not talking about being slightly immature for your age or being “young at heart”, which is fine. I’m talking about being an irrational, ignorant goddamn disaster of a human, mentally. You’re really no better than the obese people I make fun of all the time on here, but instead of cake and butter you gorge yourself on ridiculous drama and stupidity.

I would like to suggest that you start acting more like an adult. Take a break from Nickelodeon and watch some adult shows to see how those people act, or rent a porno to finally find out how sex works. Then, once you do figure out what sex really is, go have it, get pregnant and raise a child so you’ll either have a crash course on how to be an adult and develop responsibility, or at least have someone with the same mentality as you to hang out with.

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Dream Interpretation – Bloody Raccoon

View Comments May 25, 2009 | JoshPerson

At first I wasn’t going to post today, since it’s technically a holiday, but I didn’t really want to be held responsible for the amount of deaths by boredom that would undoubtedly occur if I didn’t post. Besides, it’s been a while since I’ve made fun of someone and I need an outlet. So here’s a dream interpretation for you all on the most boring of all holidays.

So I’m walking to walmart (i think. I know I was going to a store) and the walk was taking longer than usual. I was getting annoyed when I noticed I was being followed by a small cat or kitten. So i keep walking, and it’s still following me. I turn around and it’s right at my feet. I pick in up and see that it’s actually not a kitten but a tiny baby raccoon. I look at my hands and see that they are coverd in blood. I see that the animal is coverd in blood so I drop it on the ground. I’m pretty upset because I have a fear of rabies. So I continue to the store sort of confused. I look around , I start noticing houses I’ve never seen in my life. Then I pass this large house with a strage old white guy standing out side. He starts talking to me, and I can’t understand what he’s saying. I try to explain this to him and he starts yelling at me… “Your teeth, your teeth” So I touch my teeth and I felt somthing strange. It was a big black bug. I keep pulling bugs out my mouth untill there were none left…. then I noticed my teeth were gone and I woke up. smh Have at it.

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A couple of things jump out at me right off the bat. First of all, that might be the most frightening photograph I have ever seen. In fact, it’s so frightening that it kind of turns me on a little. It sort of reminds me of the time when I went through a “haunted forest” around Halloween, but I got so turned on that I ran off, hid behind a tree and masturbated for about three hours. The goal is to become so exhausted that I can no longer be frightened. It’s some sort of weird self-preservation mechanism inside my brain, but I really like it.

The second thing that catches my attention is how absolutely ridiculous it is to read your nonsensical dream. I’m not saying that I’m a spelling or grammatical genius, and a quick read through some of my blog posts will tell you that, but goddamn, you might want to think about taking an English or “how not to be a dumb whore” class. I’m pretty sure that I could have written a more coherent paragraph in cursive when I was five.

As far as the dream goes, it’s pretty damn obvious what it all means. Your hands get covered in blood and you’re scared of getting rabies but you don’t even go as far as washing your hands off first. Then you just nonchalantly pull bugs out of your mouth like it’s just another Tuesday afternoon. My guess is that you realize that you’re a disgusting mess in real life, but don’t really have the motivation to do anything about it.

There could be a number of reasons why you don’t take the time to make yourself a cleaner, more attractive, and judging by your writing, a more intelligent person. The most obvious reason is that you’re just a slimy sloth. Women often think that they don’t have to better themselves because they have a vagina, and that’s all that really matters. It’s a common misconception that will lead you to a lackluster love life where you’ll probably only attract minorities. You’re really lucky that vaginas are so fantastic, because it’s not like you women are fun to talk to or be around to begin with. Still though, you shouldn’t use your dirty, hollowed out, disease infested, whore hole as a crutch. It should be the icing on the cake, not the whole goddamn cake, icing, sprinkles and a side of ice cream, itself.

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