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Category: Dream Interpretations

Dream Interpretation – Plastic Surgery

View Comments April 30, 2009 | JoshPerson

Here’s another Dream Interpretation for you people. These dreams are really getting more and more strange. I’m really starting to think that my blog attracts people with severe mental disabilities. Either that or I’m just really big in the psychedelic drug crowd. Either way, I’m here to help clear up things in people’s lives, so here we go:

I had just gotten home and I saw that my dog, a st bernard, was in this huge puddle. He was on a chain, it was night time, the water was up to his neck. I went to pull him out when behind me I heard a noise, I turned around and it was a little piglet. I then realized the reason my dog was in the puddle was because he was trying to keep afloat all these piglets that were drowning!!! I jumped in, with my shoes on, that was important in my dream for some reason, and I saved about 10 little piggys. They were bobbing there with their heads under water and I’d pull them out and they’d be all muddy. I was a heroine. I saved the pigs.

My first instinct is that you have a dog face and a pig body, but for some reason you think that it’s masked by what kind of clothes you wear, which is why the shoes seemed so important to you. Obviously clothes can help a disgusting slob like yourself to an extent. You don’t want to be walking around with hot pink bicycle shorts and a local high school sports team tank top. Still though, your best bet is to work harder at Wal-Mart and try to become store manager some day so you can start saving up for some plastic surgeries.

That’s just my initial impression though, and without seeing a picture of your disgustingness I can’t be completely sure. The case might actually be the exact opposite. You might have a serious calling as a plastic surgeon yourself because you rescued disgusting pigs. Also, since they were actually piglets it leads me to believe that you could narrow your focus down a little more to child plastic surgery. It’s a huge, untapped market that you could make a killing from.

Sure, those two instances seem completely contradictory which may lead you to believe that I don’t know what I’m talking about, but the fact is that I still maintain genius status. You see, the most likely scenario is that both are true. You’re a fat, disgusting slob who has a calling as a plastic surgeon. Now, I know you’re thinking “who would want plastic surgery from a dog faced pig body?” That’s simple. Children. Children are stupid and not judgmental at all. They’re born with this sort of unbiased, loving mind, which is really a shame. It takes years of conditioning to teach them to judge, mock and be cruel to people. With that being the case they also won’t know that they’re hideous and therefore won’t elect to get surgery themselves, so you’ll have to get a little creative.

You’re going to have to steal them. Sure it could be seen as kidnapping, but once they see the results everyone will be ecstatic about finally being able to see some good looking children. After the parents see their kid transformed from a disappointment with a punchable face to a sexy, up-and-coming movie star they will be grateful and willingly give you thousands of dollars for your services. Who knows, you may even get your own reality show on E! someday. Besides, with the progression of America in the last 10 years this is basically the new American dream.

To get your dream interpreted just fill out the form on the dream interpretation page.

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Dream Interpretation – Bombed

View Comments April 9, 2009 | JoshPerson

A lot of people have been asking me “Josh, what makes you qualified to interpret dreams?” Well, dreams are insane, incomprehensible and actually follow my normal thought process. You see, I don’t think like normal human beings. For instance, most people have dreams about getting chased by some sort of ghoul through a fairy land. In my head, every time I walk anywhere, even out to my kitchen, I picture ghouls chasing me through a cotton candy forest. I think this way during everything that I do. It’s like I’m on a constant acid trip through worlds of sugary sweets and monsters who want to hold me down for tickle torture and kiss attacks.

I was standing outside my house which overlooks the city’s harbour. I had a clear view down to the city which for some reason was an island in the middle of water. Then I looked up, and a spaceship/fighter plane flew overhead slowly towards the city, when it was overhead, it dropped a massive bomb (possibly of the nuclear kind) and while it was falling towards the city I was thinking oh my god this is a dream this isn’t happening and it isn’t going to explode. But then it hit the ground and a mushroom cloud started to erupt.

Then I was suddenly in my living room, watching the televison news for the day. The bombing of my city wasn’t even mentioned, which I thought was weird, shouldn’t the bombing of a country’s capital be first on the news. Then my girlfirend came in a mumbled something inchoherantly. Very weird.

The only tough part about interpreting this particular dream is that I’m shocked the mushroom cloud didn’t look like this, given the insane and terrifying nature of most dreams:

funny-atomic-bomb

If there was really a nuclear bomb with this kind of mushroom cloud it wouldn’t be the radiation that killed me. I’d probably die from my brain killing itself out of pure fright. I fucking hate clowns. They are my one true weakness… Well that and needles.

Other than that, this is a pretty straightforward dream to interpret. The massive explosion that you witness symbolizes an upcoming outburst in your life. It’s slowly (like the aircraft moved slowly) building up until one day it just explodes in a violent manner. Had you seen the infamous clown cloud, you’d instead erupt with laughter, but since you have already been to this blog you probably got that out of your system.

What is this frustration building up inside you? The second part of your dream tells us just that. It could be that you’re frustrated with the way that main stream media is very dishonest and slanted, not reporting on facts. They instead report what the handful of people who actually run this country want them to report to play games with society to keep us frightened and obedient.

Yeah, it could be that. Or it could be because you’re just really fed up with your stupid bitch girlfriend. How did I come to this conclusion? Well it included misspellings such as “girlFIREnd” and “incHOherantly”. You’re probably getting really frustrated with how she just walks around, mumbling stuff incoherently, smoking weed and banging pizza delivery boys. You should really start working on a line graph for a pussy tightness to ignorant whore ratio. There’s got to be a point when it’s just not worth the fucking effort.

To get your dream interpreted just click here and fill out this form.

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Dream Interpretation – Afraid of the Dark

View Comments April 2, 2009 | JoshPerson

Well, that didn’t take long. I already got in my very first dream interpretation submission. This is going to be a little segment I do whenever people send them in. In a perfect world I’d have new Ask Josh and Dream Interpretations to do each once a week, on top of my regular ridiculous posts. So quit being a little bitch and send them in!

All right, I’m dying to know what this dream means. I have this fear of the dark. The night is the time when I often hear mysterious yells and screams (and then find fire remnants and broken beer bottles the next day) at yonder park, and I always freak myself out about who’s there.

So a few nights ago, I dreamt that I was actually just letting my dog out in the yard. The night was pitch black, so you couldn’t see anything. I was basically having a panic attack already, so it didn’t help when my mom randomly disappeared and I was left alone with the dog who, infuriatingly enough, just couldn’t seem to be able to take a freaking dump.

I hear the ominous footsteps coming from the manhole a few yards away from where I’m standing. I was certain it was just my imagination. So I ignored it. Then I finally realized that I could hear breathing in front of me, and, somehow, I could feel body heat.

So, yeah. I came to the conclusion that there was a tall, shadowy figure standing within a few inches in front of me, and I was stuck here with a dog, completely defenseless.  At that point, I no longer had Punkin (dog) with me. Maybe she ran off, and I let her go so she wouldn’t be stuck here with Mr. Tall, Dark, and hopefully Wimpy. I reached out my arms and gave him a big shove and began to run away.

darkness

Now would be a good time to mention that if the dream you send in is freakishly long I edit it down. Believe it or not, this is only about a quarter of what was originally sent to me. I’m not going to make you people read three pages worth of dream and then only a paragraph or two of me making fun of you helping you interpret it.

I once read somewhere that dreams have the ability to tell future events. I think this fact is extremely prevalent in this particular dream. That being said, I see a rape in your future. How else could you describe a tall, dark man breathing down your neck? Also, judging from that description, the raper will probably be black, which also leads me to believe that you’re a white woman with a gigantic ass. The picture above, that you sent me is actually quite fitting. The guy looks like he might have a bit of an afro and you’re wearing an easy access skirt situation, even though the female probably doesn’t fit your body type.

The fact that both your mom and your dog disappeared shows that after you get raped nobody will help you get through it. Everybody will disappear and start calling you things like a “whore”, “damaged goods” or just a “disappointment”. You’re going to be alone in this, so be prepared.

The darkness obviously symbolizes a state of severe depression and quite possibly a long and painful death. So, you really have quite the ordeal to look forward to. My suggestion to you would be to lock yourself in your basement or some sort of panic room. Stay away from all men with darker skin. Also, try to quit being such a child with an irrational fear of darkness. Darkness is your friend, particularly if you look anything like what black rapists usually go after.

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