About three years ago I was starting to watch live, illegal streams of NFL games online. Once I figured out how to do this I thought “I’ll watch this in mediocre quality this year, but next year the NFL will probably come out with their own online streaming scheme and it will be awesome.” Three years later and the only thing they’ve done is stream one game per week and they don’t even stream the entire thing. They show fucking analysts talking about the game behind a desk while plays are going on. How in the hell can some douche in his mom’s basement figure out how to do this shit, but an entire company of people cannot?

The next thing that pisses me off about technology is how batteries have made seemingly no progress since they were invented. My laptop battery lasts about 2 hours. Smartphone batteries last about a day. Tech companies spend all this time and money slowly progressing their products then they just throw a regular old battery in there and say “oh this battery only lasts 5 hours? Oh well.”

I’m also getting sick and tired of all the fanfare that Netflix gets for its online streaming of movies and TV shows. I can’t go a day without hearing “I’m watching the incredible Netflix, it’s the best thing on or around the planet”. Where the fuck do these people come from where they only watch shitty movies from the 1970′s or just the first season of TV shows? Seriously, there’s a 6 season TV show that I wanted to watch online but only the first 2 were streamable. Everything that is ever filmed should be available instantly to stream online and it will be, once I’m president.

I know people will say “just torrent that shit, man”. That would be a fantastic idea if I hadn’t already gotten caught for illegally downloading Photoshop some years ago. My ISP shut my internet and cable TV down for a week while they mailed some sort of contract I had to sign saying I’ll never do it again and if I do they will sue me for millions of dollars.

I guess my anger towards technology comes from two different directions. The first being the douche bags who run around saying “it’s 2010, where’s my hoverboard?” like that’s something new and clever to say. How about we figure out how batteries work first. If there were hoverboards right now they’d be useless because you’d go halfway down your driveway and the battery would melt.

The other part of my anger stems from the fact that I can’t afford the good shit. You see, I don’t have things like “friends” or “things to do” so technology tends to be my entire life. Meanwhile I’m still rocking a 27-inch CRT TV that weighs 238 pounds which makes my living room look like my high school bedroom at my mom’s house. My laptop battery dies almost instantly after turning it on, but not before it burns a hole through my legs, couch and all the way through to the apartment below me.

I guess the point of this whole post is to convince people to either send me bunches of money so I can upgrade my life and also to get people who are smarter than me to write in and teach me how to steal shit online without getting caught. If I could somehow finagle those two things I could die happy, but not before I catch up on all the shows I’ve watched only the first season of.

Speaking of technology, if you need hosting for a website use the banners in the sidebar and the footer or click here. You’ll get great hosting from DreamHost and it also helps this site. Insert Promo Code ABSURDLYAWESOME and get $15 off if you sign up for a year.

Technorati Tags: rant, technology sucks

I tried hitting on some of these waitresses before and by hitting on them I mean I would try to make eye contact. Then they would smile and I would think “oh, she’s in love with me and she wants to have at least 3 million of my babies. That’s when I would usually freak out thinking that 3 million is way too many babies and I don’t know if I could deal with that kind of commitment, or amount of doctor’s bills.

One night, however, I started hitting it off with a waitress real nice. She was wearing an orange-ish  colored sweater and since I didn’t know her name I that’s exactly what I called her, “orange-ish”. I realize waitresses are paid to be nice to you, but I swear this was a different. I was even coming up with great lines like “I’ll take another one of these, but this time try to give me my money’s worth. The last one was at least 90% foam.” She laughed and we made out in my mind before falling in love forever.

You see, before I even thought about asking her out, I was golden. I could have made her run away with me at any time. Then reality started to set in when a friend of mine looks at me and says “get those goddamn cartoon hearts out of your eyes and just ask for her number.” Now, I had never approached a random girl I didn’t really know and ask her out before. Plus she was a waitress, which puts in place a whole new dynamic. I don’t want to just be another creepy customer and if it goes terribly I know I’ll never be able to go to that coffee shop again. Far too much pressure for my stupid head to handle.

So I tried to pull from all these articles and websites I’ve read about picking up women. The first thing that came to mind was to just walk up to her and say “I have a quick question” and when she says “sure” I would say “are you single?” I don’t exactly know what the point to doing that was, but I did it anyways. She said “yes” and I about passed out because I realized I would have to keep faking confidence and awkwardly fumbling over words for at least a couple more minutes.

I also remembered reading about how you should ask for her email address instead of her phone number for some reason. This is where it gets real embarrassing. Before I could ask for her email address she offered her phone number number to me. Instead of just saying “kthxbye” before sprinting out the door, number in hand, I say “oh, just give me your email address”. What. An. Idiot. I realized what I had done almost immediately and already decided that I would never email nor talk to this girl ever again.

After I got home and before I cried myself to sleep I figured I would do what I do best and that is stalk research her further. So I got on Facebook and when I found her I let out a deep sigh of relief. Her profile picture was her at what looked to be a party with a red plastic cup in her hand and her arms around what seemed to be two college football players. I took solace in the fact that I had just dodged the bullet of getting several different STDs, violent threats from other men and a black baby that she would try to convince me is mine.

Technorati Tags: coffee shop, hot waitress, idiot man, picking up chicks

I also really wanted to grow up to be Colt from the original 3 Ninjas movie… Until I realized that we were the same age and that’s when I started hating myself. Before I got to that depressing realization, though, I started taking Tae Kwon Do classes so I could start preparing for my career as an ass kicker. What else was going to pay my bills when I grew up? Making forts out of leaves or snow? Of course not, what would I do with the other half of my year? Rain and sun forts aren’t big ticket items, in fact, they don’t even exist.

I’ve said this a million times before, but I was a really shy little kid, so the idea of being in a room surrounded by grunting men standing in awkward positions and thrusting their fists wasn’t exactly my idea of a good time. I pushed through it, though, so I could eventually learn enough moves so I could grunt in a room by myself. Before I knew it I was in the mix, punching, kicking, doing somersaults, you know, manly stuff. I had perfect form while fighting air.

Eventually I got to the point where I was allowed to “spar” other people, which is basically fight dancing. You could do elaborate moves and stuff, but you weren’t really allowed to make full contact… Or so I thought. One night I was forced to spar one of these old men who takes their hobby far too seriously. He had to have been in his 50′s and I was 12. This mother fucker was making nearly full contact and kicking my ass. Looking back I think he was a pedophile and this was the only way he could touch little boys without getting arrested.

So that whole experience took me down a notch. From there it was just a downward spiral of my dreams. A few weeks later I failed to break a board with my hands in front of everyone. I had to use my feet, like a “pussy fag”. Yes, someone actually called me that. I thought it was an insult at the time, but looking back I think that just means that I’m straight. Then a few weeks after that I broke my toe while fighting a goddamn punching bag. My head just wasn’t in it anymore and I was forced to retire after getting all the way to my brown belt (that’s one under black, ladies).

From there my ninja obsession dwindled, which is a shame because I was getting very close to being ninja-like. Or, I was very close to being the asshole you see on the news who owns a samurai sword and then uses it to chop his neighbor’s head off because his dog shit on my lawn. Looking back, it was a gamble I should have taken.

Technorati Tags: 3 ninjas, ninja, ninja turtles

Is it worth it to try and keep a friendship that is only kinda half of one? Meaning that they don’t talk when other people/person is around and when they do its nothing but problems, and that person just becomes in a bad mood. Also want to note that they are the one pushing the friendship.

The small amount of persons who took my current poll on the sidebar indicates that most people don’t submit advice questions because I’m an asshole. I’d like to try and tone back the asshole inside of me because, let’s face it, I don’t lead that exciting of a life to have constant content so I really need these questions sent in.

First of all, if your friend is a hot girl then she is exactly my type. Since I’m extremely anti-social and she also seems anti-social then I would imagine our relationship would consist of her staying inside all the time and being some sort of hybrid between a bang maid and a bang cook. Plus, as long as I don’t get  any FedEx packages shipped to our apartment I really don’t have to worry about her swinging around on a bunch of strange, gross dicks.

Perhaps your friend just doesn’t like your other friends or she’s weirdly jealous of how much time you spend with them. You could still do things with your friend, if you still like her, that doesn’t consist of being around a bunch of ridiculous strangers. Some people just don’t like big, group outings and that’s perfectly fine. If you absolutely must be around other friends all the time then just start feeding your bitch friend booze and foreign pills to calm her down a little bit. Plus, in that drugged state she could be easily taken advantage of, which is also perfect because it seems like she needs a good, or even mediocre, bang.

With all that being said, there’s also a good chance that your friend is just a complete insane asylum. If that’s the case, then it’s really not hard to end a friendship. The first thing you could do is stop answering her fucking calls. If the person is as volatile as they seem then they’ll get pissed and yell at you, then you could bring up all the things that bother you about them in the form of insults. Really use as many insults as you can and you should also throw in some threats of physical violence for good measure.

Need advice for some situation that’s happening in your life? Send in your question and I will gladly help you out in blog post format. Don’t worry, all your information is completely confidential and I will never post your name.

Technorati Tags: advice, ending friendship

I watched the Lost series finale and thought it was alright, but I’m not like most people. I don’t hold such high expectations of TV shows to where no matter what happens I’m going to be disappointed. That’s what people did with Lost and a lot of other finales. They think “oh this is my favorite show, the most epic show on TV, this finale is going to be amazing!!!!” I compare it to going on a date with the hottest chick in the world, thinking you’re going to bang her at the end of the night. You start getting yourself mentally prepared by picturing the bang and running through all these banging scenarios in your head. Then once you get yourself worked up until you’re all boners by the end of the night you find out that this girl isn’t just a common slut and you leave with only a hug. Disappointing, sure, but you should realize that you’re not going to bang every girl on the first date, as unfortunate as that may be.

I find it hilarious how people reacted to the Lost finale. I can’t count how many times I saw someone saying “I JUST WASTED 6 YEARS OF MY LIFE!!!!1″. Do you know what that implies? That for the past 6 years you did nothing except watch episodes of Lost on repeat. How about you don’t take a fucking television show so seriously that it cancels out everything good you’ve done in your life over the last 6 years. I can’t help but think that these Lost fanatics who got married in the past 6 years are now all filing for divorce because that whole time was just pointless.

At least Lost wasn’t like most shows in that they don’t get to make a proper series finale. Most shows go off the air at the end of a regular season, leaving a million cliff-hangers out there and nobody gives a shit. Every time a show I like goes off the air out of nowhere I don’t think my entire time watching it was a waste of time. It’s fucking entertainment. “If I would have known Lost was going to end like this I wouldn’t have even watched it and since I would have so much free time I’d do something that I wouldn’t consider a waste of my life like, I don’t know, jerking off to internet porn, playing video games and reading comic books.” Nobody actually said that, but that’s what everyone complaining sounds like to me. How dare you take yourself that seriously. If you think your time is that important then stop watching the goddamn TV.

Technorati Tags: idiots, Lost, Series Finale

When I first entered this contraption I had dreams of wooing all these babes with my quick wit and charm, and if that didn’t work I would just call them the c-word, show them my asshole and leave, keeping my dignity intact.  Instead, what I got was an embarrassing amount of nerves and carpal tunnel from clicking “Next” the instant I got connected with someone, babe or not.

I don’t think it was a confidence issue, as I look fucking amazing on webcam; shitty in real life, but amazing on webcam. I just would get instantly awkward and weirded out like “this ain’t normal”. I just felt like we would sit there staring at each other, not knowing what to say. I can’t deal with that level of awkwardness even though I know I will never hear from or see these people ever again, unless I end up on some “douches of Stickam Shuffle” Youtube remix.

Since the whole video chat thing was apparently too much for me I decided to find a similar text based system for the sole purpose of fucking with people. I just wanted to be instantly connected with random people, say a bunch of insane nonsense, giggle and then hopefully have some good blog content. Well, I ended up finding a site called Omegle, which allowed me to do just that, sort of.

The problem with Omegle is that there are only two types of people on there. Horny 15 year old boys and people already doing what I intended to do, fuck with people. I started running into so many of these horned up teens that I decided my best course of action would be to just type “I’m a man” as my opening line. About 90% of the people I got connected with instantly disconnected after me typing that.

I ran into a lot of people who thought they were comedians, but were actually lame. Most of them just saying “faggot” , the “n-word” or typing random characters over and over. There was only one person who gained my respect and that chat was as follows:

You: I’m a man.

Stranger: I’ve been waiting.

You: As well you should be?

Stranger: I’m in the world trade center right now.

Stranger: and the biggest fucking jet I’ve ever seen

Stranger: Is coming right at m

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Now that is a brand of humor that I can get behind. Other than that it was just a bunch of random douche bags and douche rags. I also felt with as many 15-year-olds as there were are there that I better not say anything sexual or I could get arrested, which cuts out about 80% of my jokes.

I swear I’ll give the whole Chat Roulette thing another shot at some point. I think there is way too much potential for fantastic blog content there for me to not. Maybe I’ll try it again when I’m absolutely fuck faced drunk and not caring. My wittiness might suffer, but at least I wont be shy about asking for boobs.

Technorati Tags: chatroulette, omegle, stickam shuffle

Every time I make a post about Wal-Mart from now on I'll get the picture from PeopleofWalmart.com Check it out!

As soon as I walked in I learned how much of a non-confrontational pussy I can sometimes be. I grabbed my cart as soon as a guy was returning his cart because it was incredibly loud. It was the type of cart where every time a wheel reaches a certain point it makes a loud  bang and shakes the whole cart. The guy brought it back to greeter and said something like “this cart is broken and I’m not going to deal with it. Give me a new one.” I was floored. I usually just deal with the broken cart, party because its shittiness fits its surroundings and partly because I have a vagina. Never again! I feel inspired.

So I went about my shoppings, which usually consists of me not getting what I really want because the aisle is too packed for me to even want to deal with it. I typically also never put anything in my cart that may be considered embarrassing when other people are around, unless those people are really old. I just assume that the really old people don’t know where they are and if they do, I will surely be able to take them in a fight.

Then comes the checkout line. There were about 5 people in line, all with completely overflowing carts and only one checkout lane open. From previous experience I knew that I would have to make a game-plan to deal with the upcoming situation of a new lane opening. Typically, I just let other people jump in the newly open lane, even if they’re behind me, because they sprint for it anyways and because by this point in the trip my one vagina has now multiplied into two. This time, still feeling inspired, I said “fuck these people, I’m gunning for the extra lane”.

When the new lane opened I was the first one there, but I heard the lady that was behind me in my old line tell the people in front of me that she’ll let them go to the new lane first because they had been waiting longer. This bitchface made me completely pause the selfishness of my asshole-ishness. At that point I had to pull my cart back, turn around and say “you guys can go first”. This made me unhappy for two reasons. The first being that I had to wait even longer, and when you’re a single guy like me, all of your frozen meals in microwaveable cardboard are now thawing out. The second reason I was upset was because the lady behind me passively called me out for being an asshole and I played right into it. I couldn’t help but assume that she was proud for making the handsome, awesome guy step back and alter his initial decision. In my mind she was thinking that she won at the game of Wal-Mart.

As I was putting my newly bought bachelor meals in my trunk and preparing to scan the parking lot for cart corrals, a guy who just arrived at Wal-Mart came up to me and said “I can take your cart for you since I’m going up there anyways, save you the trip.” I was shocked to find a nice person at Wal-Mart. From this experience alone I can come to the conclusion that men are much better at being humans than women. It’s now obvious that all women want to do is fuck with your life, while men are self-empowered and nice. This isn’t an admission of upcoming gayness or anything, but I can now see the appeal. Wait, that still sounds bad. I can now see why men choose to marry other men. Wait, I’m still not getting my point across. It’s obvious why some men choose to spend most of their time around other men. Oh forget it. I’m not gay, I swear.

Technorati Tags: bitch, creeps, hero, wal-mart

I had taken my pride and joy to school with me so I could rock that shit all day, all night, yo. We had some great times, my cassette and I. We’d sit under the basketball hoop together, acting street. Sometimes we’d even climb a tree and just chill with nature and shit. We were thugs with sensitive sides. It didn’t take long before people started getting jealous of our relationship. They tried to tear us apart… Mainly teachers who kept screaming something about me not being allowed to listen to music during class.

Regardless, that’s when people started to take notice and how it ended up all going wrong. I left my cassette in my desk one day during recess because I was challenged to a game of tether ball and I had to represent. When I came back to whisper words of victory into my cassette’s ear I was devastated. My cassette had left me and I knew that there was a great chance that I would never see it again.

I immediately started looking for clues as to who ripped my love out of my hands. I thought it might be Nathan, mainly because I saw my cassette when he opened his desk the next day. I tried my hardest to place Nathan at recess the day before because I didn’t want to believe it was him. After all, we were friends. I just couldn’t remember seeing him out there, cheering me on.

After doing some investigative research I think I figured out how it all went down. Nathan started getting jealous because I was spending more and more time listening to music than hanging out with him at recess. In a jealous rage he bribed Ryan with an extra chocolate milk at lunch for him to challenge me to a game of tether ball so I would be distracted and he could make his move.

Then while he was rifling through my desk the teacher probably walked in and caught him. Nathan, however, was smart and knew he had the teacher in the palm of his hand. He probably said something smooth like “Don’t you hate how he’s listening to this all the time, trying to sneak in songs during class. Oh, and if you don’t let me take it I’ll tell the principal you touched my little dick.” Teachers are powerless in those types of situations, as evidenced by me being an idiot, but still passing all of my classes.

When I brought it to Nathan’s attention he denied it, so I told the teacher on him. She thought I was making the whole thing up to steal the cassette from him. That’s when I knew for sure that they were in bed together (LOL!). So what did I do? I stole Nathan’s girlfriend! Wait, no I didn’t. I murdered him! No, no, that’s not right either. I think I just moved on to my next love, which turned out to be stronger than my previous. The Wayne’s World soundtrack. Like every love story, we lived happily ever after, in a house of pure fucking rock!

Technorati Tags: Kriss Kross, talkboy, Wayne's World Soundtrack

This whole Kindle desire got deeper just a few weeks ago as the only legitimate book store within 90 miles of my home town closed down. Apparently, most people in Mediocre-ville Iowa don’t like reading and why would they? They’ve got stupidity to perfect. These are the same types of people who on their MySpace page (yes, they’re still on that ghost town of a website) under the “Books” section write something like “lol wuts readin?” Good point.

Don’t get me wrong, I can sort of see where they’re coming from. Reading is fucking hard to do sometimes. I often go through entire chapters of a book before I realize that I wasn’t actually reading any of it. I was basically just skimming it with my eyes while my mind was off somewhere else thinking about how if people tried breaking into my apartment I would take them out and get thrown into the middle of this insane conspiracy, Jason Bourne style.

Reading can also be daunting when I buy a new book about a topic that interests me, like Neil Tyson DeGrasse’s Death By Black Hole, but by the middle of the first page I realize how fucking dumb I actually am. Reading turns into a chore when you have to do in-depth research about every fifth word.

Anyways, the point to all of this is that you should all buy Kindles, even if you don’t like reading anything outside of ridiculous blogs. Why would you do something like this? Well, because this blog is now up on the Amazon Kindle store! I say that like my blog got picked up by some huge company and I’m getting paid millions, when in reality all I had to do was sign up for an account.

So what I want all of you to do is go on there, subscribe and write positive reviews. It only costs $1.99 per month to subscribe too. Just so you know, I didn’t get to pick the price. If I was allowed to pick the price I would be charging several hundreds of dollars per month because that’s what I feel this blog is worth. I don’t know if you can write a review without purchasing it first, but if you can and you don’t even own a Kindle, still write the review. It doesn’t have to be long and impressive, just give it five stars and type something like “I laughed so hard my eyes popped out.”

Absurdly Awesome on the Amazon Kindle Store

Technorati Tags: Kindle, reading

airwalf.citie@gmail.com

im very impressed with you’re very useless review about san andreas and is more a comparison than other shit one word you’re just a useless juice shit you said the story is weak and the character but is the msot involving and most developed story on a gta the weakest story of the seire is of course vice city, so you can fuck you’re big mom little prick ! .

I’m sure this guy was hoping that this email would make me incredibly angry. Instead, when I first read this I giggled and high-fived my computer screen. I absolutely love getting legitimate hate mail, especially incredibly poor written ones, like this.

The thing that makes me laugh most out of this guy’s whole rant is how he doesn’t use any punctuation to end sentences, but at the end he uses both an exclamation point and a period. He must think that you can catch up on missed punctuation at the end.

I’m also extremely impressed with his math skills in the “one word you’re just a useless juice shit” part of his paragraph long sentence. Has there ever been a useful juice shit, except for maybe in a prank scenario of some sort or a Jackass skit? I would imagine the majority of juice shits are pretty useless. Unless he’s talking about a person who shits pure orange juice, with pulp of course, which would be incredibly useful, particularly if you’re stranded somewhere. If that’s the case, then maybe he’s imagining a scenario where I live in a land where there’s an incredible surplus in juice, so my juice shitting powers are rendered completely useless.

Since I seem to be in a debate with this guy shouldn’t his poorly written rebuttal make me the automatic winner? I think that should be the case in every debate. Hell, I could write something completely absurd and heinous, like how the Jews brought the Holocaust on themselves and they deserved everything they got, and if someone this illiterate was the only person who spent the time to oppose me I would automatically be named the winner.

Even though I’m not mad at all, I’d still like you people to take the time to email this guy and let him know what you think. I know I only have two readers and neither of them will email this guy, but I just like the feeling I get by acting like I have an army of loyal fans who will cluster fuck an email account on command. I guess this guy could get obliterated by spam bots now because I posted his email up, but Gmail has a pretty damn good spam filter so he probably won’t notice a thing. Never mind, I guess I lose. :(

Technorati Tags: grand theft auto, hate mail, idiot, san andreas