Horoscope Interpretation – Sexy Encounter

Love is in the air here at AbsurdlyAwesome.com and what better way to show it than by interpreting a little love horoscope? I’ve never felt more like a woman in my entire life than when I added multiple horoscopes to my iGoogle page just to give you people something to read once in a while. Be grateful that I made this sacrifice for you because if a girl ever sees my iGoogle page I will now have virtually no shot at banging her.

Right out of the gate I’m confused as fuck. Apparently I have a fat amount of “lusty energy” going on at the moment, which I think my internet history will show is an ongoing ordeal. The part that confuses me, though, is that this “sexy encounter” was supposed to happen on Tuesday or Wednesday… It just so happens to be Thursday and I’m sexy encounterless. Perhaps if I knew about this earlier I could force a sexy encounter. I don’t want to call it rape so how about we refer to it as “aggressive sexiness”? Either way, I’m a bit to late for this one and with the dry spell that I’m currently on I will forever be bitter about this horoscope’s delayed insight into my sex life.

This whole thing really made me think, because maybe I did have a sexy encounter and just never realized it.  The only thing that could be considered a sexy encounter is probably when I made a roast beef sandwich. I stared longingly at the sandwich as the roast beef slices blew in the wind. Its nice, big bread-sts caressed my lips until I finally let its entire goodness deep inside me. I don’t know exactly where the sandwich went, but I hope it calls me again soon for another erotic adventure. If you’re reading this, sandwich, I don’t know what I did wrong, but next time I promise that I will pay more attention to your needs.

Then I find out that Friday’s full moon prompts me to speak my mind about the future of my relationship or career. Wait a minute… My career? Am I supposed to be having a love affair with my job? I guess it does kind of fall in line with my past girlfriends, for a few reasons:

I think that I need it, but it’s really just holding me back.

My job is a complete bitch.

I guess I never realized how similar those two actually are. Maybe I should quit my current job and start working for Arby’s so I have a better chance at reuniting with my latest love, but only if my next horoscope tells me to.

Horoscope Interpretation (08/20/2007)

Welcome back to another installment of “Horoscope Interpretation” with your host, Josh. Today we are going to look at a daily horoscope, but not just any horoscope. Today I decided to delve into a little thing I like to call the “love horoscope”. This should be good. Also, if I have a lot of typos in this post it’s because I don’t spell check and because I’ve had a severe case of hiccups off and on for the last 4 fucking hours. I’m about ready to make myself a head amputee if this doesn’t stop soon.

Your passions are running deep today, so whatever is in your heart is getting your full attention. That could be your latest crush or your stamp collection, but you won’t have time for anything else. – From Yahoo! Astrology

My passions are running deep today, blah blah blah. Come on Horoscope, you act like you don’t even know me anymore. Remember when I was young and I used to read you every day? You used to be right! And even when you weren’t I would try to act my life out through what you said, as to not make you disappointed in yourself for being wrong. But I am growing weary of your old tricks Horoscope.

If you knew anything about me you’d know that I have no passions. Wait, I take that back. Internet porn and videogames are my passions, that and staying inside in darkness. Well you are deathly wrong horoscope, there are no new entertaining internet porn vids, and my Xbox just re-broke. Apparently my ‘hearts full attention’ makes things go horribly wrong, which comforts me.

The next line makes me giggle like a little school girl. My latest crush? What am I? 12? I think that’s the last time I actually used the word “crush”. Unless I’m telling my opponent in the underground street fighting championship “I’m going to crush you”. Which I did by the way, he didn’t stand a chance.

Also, I’m supposed to be focusing my full attention on my stamp collection? Okay, so I’m either a 12 year old school girl using the word ‘crush’ or I’m an 85 year old man, who ends up pawning his stamp collection so he can afford Viagra only to shred every last bit of dignity he has left. Way to bring joy into the world horoscope. Your soul has darkened, horoscope, and it sickens me.

A short horoscope = a short interpretation. So I’m going to use this time to remind you 5 people who read this blog to send in your “Ask Josh” questions for this week! Just click the “Ask Josh” link at the top of the page and follow directions like a human. So far I have received 0 this week.

PS: Thanks to the not-so-lady-like lady friend of mine Corrie, who told me to drink water through a paper towel to cure my hiccups. Not only did it work like a charm, but it also gave me a completely wet t-shirt! I think she just wanted to see my award winning man chest better via webcam. I don’t blame her.

Technorati Tags: blog, comedy, hiccups, Horoscope, humor, Interpretation, yahoo_astrology