News Thing – Swearing Pain Away

A new study has just been completed that will probably change the world as we know it. Never before has there been such a worthwhile experiment to open our minds and tell each and every one of us something we don’t already know and haven’t even thought of.

Here’s the story from LiveScience:

That muttered curse word that reflexively comes out when you stub your toe could actually make it easier to bear the throbbing pain, a new study suggests.

The researchers enlisted 64 undergraduate volunteers and had them submerge their hand in a tub of ice water for as long as possible while repeating a swear word of their choice. The experiment was then repeated with the volunteer repeating a more common word that they would use to describe a table.

Contrary to what the researcher expected, the volunteers kept their hands submerged longer while repeating the swear word.

You’re kidding me, right? You mean swearing increases pain tolerance? Never have I heard such a thing! Every time I injure myself by, let’s say, walking face first into a door at night, I always scream out something like “sweater vest!” Man, maybe I should spend more money on swear word dictionaries rather than night lights and Advil.

I’m just in a state of disbelief right now. I mean, there’s no possible way that swearing increases pain tolerance. If it did, what would be next? Swearing yourself alive from being dead? Who needs pain medication for serious ailments when we can just create a self induced case of Tourette’s? What does this mean for our beloved pharmaceutical companies now? Probably a bail out, I would imagine.

Alright, enough of this charade. I have some pain that I need to tame, myself. The type of pain that can only be brought on by a stupid fucking article that tells nobody anything new at all. Is this all it takes to become a “scientific author” these days? Because I’m looking for paid writing gigs constantly and I have a scientific article about how sitting on a couch is more comfortable than sitting on a porcupine that would blow your mind.

Technorati Tags: swearing

News Thing – Panty Thief

In my quest to bring hard hitting news that everyone needs to know about, I bring you this lovely story. Stay informed, people. You can’t expect to change the world if you don’t know what’s going on in it.

Here’s the story:

Puerto Rico police said they have arrested a man accused of snatching 88 pieces of underwear from a neighbor’s clothesline. The man was charged with theft and illegal appropriation. Police said Wednesday that he returned all $1,000 worth of underwear to the woman.

They said he stole the items from his 29-year-old neighbor over a period of several months in the rural town of Orocovis. She apparently had to keep buying more to replace those that vanished from her line.

He was jailed Tuesday pending a $20,000 bond.

This story has a higher level of hilarious unbelievability than any other news story I’ve ever read. I’ve read news stories about stupid rednecks getting abducted by aliens that were more logical than this.

First of all, I’ve never heard underwear referred to as “pieces” before unless they were torn to shreds by an over-excited me. That’s a whole new level of pervert when you need 88 pieces of panties just to get off. It makes me wonder what this creep’s cut-off is. What number does he have to get to before he says “welp, this should do it”? Besides, they were hanging on a laundry line so it’s not like they’re freshly scented by woman unless they got wet some other way, besides washing, but I can’t even comprehend a scenario where that would happen unless the girl was extremely careless with her beverages.

I actually think that the woman is partly, if not mostly, responsible for this ridiculousness. How the hell is she going to allow 88 of anything be stolen over several months? I had a Netflix movie stolen out of my mailbox once when I was attempting to send it back and I immediately started taking them to those giant blue drop boxes around town.

Plus, what is she doing hanging up panties outside? With that $1,000 panty investment she could have bought a fucking dryer like a normal human. I mean, she’s from Puerto Rico and I imagine any place outside of America people live in dirt huts, but if you have a $1,000 panty budget I’m not going to have any sympathy for you. Plus you could have just gone without panties if you wanted to be a real sweetheart. Look at TMZ once in a while, everyone is sans panties these days. It’s really the only respectable way to make a living and a name for yourself all at once.

Technorati Tags: idiots, Panty Thief, wtf