The billboard on N.C. 150, west of Mooresville, N.C., near Lake Norman, emits the smell of black pepper and charcoal to promote a new line of beef available at the Bloom grocery chain. A high-powered fan at the bottom of the billboard spreads the aroma by blowing air over cartridges loaded with fragrance oil. (USATODAY)

I am absolutely for this idea, but I don’t know why. I think it’s because every time I smell food outside when I’m walking by a restaurant I think of Chicago or New York and get all happy inside. Actually, I’m not for this particular billboard, but I like the general idea. I don’t need to be driving down the street with my windows rolled down, take a whiff of black pepper and then sneeze myself into a murderous car accident. As a manly man “death by sneezing” isn’t the way I thought I’d go out.

I guess some people may think the fragrance may hurt the environment somehow or make them puke in their car or something. I’m not really concerned by that. What I am concerned by is that this might possibly be the food industry’s way of getting fat Americans to start eating billboards. There being more fat Americans concerns me. I have to see these gross people in their skin tight clothes because they think they’re showing off their curves. If they start eating billboards I won’t even be able to go outside without the fear of getting eaten or stepped on.

Think about it, for the past several years portions have been getting larger and larger. If we keep going down this path we will no longer have the storage space for these gargantuan portions. That’s why the food industry is planning ahead. They know people will continually go down the path to fat fuckdom if given the chance, so why not offer steak smelling billboards to consume?

I bet you’re wondering how these companies will make money from this when they’re not selling the billboard. They’ll just sue the disgrace of a person who ate it, for destroying their property. Americans get fatter and they get rich. Everybody wins. Wait, I don’t win. Hmm, I may have to rethink my position of supporting this monstrosity. Hey food industry, give me a cut and I’ll totally get behind turning people into billboard- and people-eating fat fucks. I can be bought, because right now the only thing I’m concerned about is getting a new iPod.

Technorati Tags: fat americans, smelly billboard

The thing that I find funny about this whole paying for content situation is how people are such entitled idiots. I’ve read hundreds of comments about this story today and the majority of them go something like, “this is bullshit, how dare they charge us money and have commercials. Looks like I’ll just go back to torrenting.” Guess what asshole, if you don’t want to upgrade you don’t fucking have to. You’ll be getting the exact same content you’ve been getting without paying anything.

It seems like the majority of people out there want all of their favorite TV shows online for free and without commercials, then when asked how the networks plan to make money they spout off “well, these big companies need to get with the times and figure it out.” People think they can just get free entertainment when it costs millions of dollars to produce these shows they like so much. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

I even read a comment today that said something like “we should all just torrent everything to teach these bastards a lesson!” Yeah, then they won’t be able to afford making shows anymore and you’ll be left jerking off in your bedroom listening to AM radio. I guess what these people want is the only other option, which is some over-the-top Wayne’s World-style product placement. They basically want all of our good television programming to turn into infomercials.

Personally, I think Hulu starting to charge would be a decent move. Some networks have already started pulling their content because they aren’t making enough money, so hopefully this will not only give people all episodes of their favorite show, but also bring in new networks who want a piece of the action as well. I’m sick of watching poorly ripped episodes of Breaking Bad on illegal stream sites because it’s not available on Hulu and I’m too afraid to torrent shows after getting busted for it a few years ago.

I know this whole post makes me sound like some corporate cock sucker, but that’s not true at all. I’m trying to be rational about the whole “how to bring TV shows and movies online” thing because I think it’s exciting and extremely convenient for my on the go/crime fighting/life saving/babe doing lifestyle. I also realize that I don’t want it to get to a point where all TV shows are geared towards old people because they’re the only ones who actually pay for cable. I really don’t need to see Jay Leno on every fucking show.

Technorati Tags: charging, hulu

Read the thing:

First off, the site says not to use 3D while under the influence of alcohol…

So fine, you’re up watching TV and you’re not drinking. You also shouldn’t be too tired, according to Samsung. The warning strictly says that those who are sleep deprived should stay away from 3D. The same goes with the elderly and pregnant women. Why? Samsung doesn’t say.

I thought the whole allure of 3D was to make terribly unwatchable things at least somewhat pretty to look at so you don’t blow your brains out halfway through. If you’re going to watch a 3D movie chances are that you’re not planning to think. You’re also probably going into the movie completely shit-faced and wearing some sort of disguise so you’re friends don’t think you’re a major douche.

How poor is our creativity that we need 3D to spice up the film industry? How fucking out of ideas are we? Even as a kid I watched one 3D show and thought “I don’t see the point of this stupidity”, but I kept the glasses anyways because they made me look like some sort of cheap futuristic pimp.

Who else is supposed to watch shitty 3D cinema besides people wasted out of their fucking minds and pregnant women who can’t move? They’re pretty much banning their entire demographic. They may as well tell stoners and children they can’t watch 3D either.

I’ve been seeing advertisements for 3D TVs lately and I’ve never been more disappointed in the human race. I’ve always thought of myself as a technologically advanced guy and often wondered when I would just lose contact with technology and become a grandpa who has to have his grandkids show him how to work the ole “tv clicker”. I’m starting to think this is that point.

If technology keeps going towards 3D TVs and motion activated games, like the Wii, I can see myself completely shutting down… Wait a minute, I just came up with a brilliant idea. 3D Wii games!!! You can jiggle around like a goddamn seizure monster while virtually hitting a tennis ball that looks like it’s coming right at you! These are the best technological advancements ever!

Technorati Tags: 3d, samsung

Here are some words about the thing:

Men who harass women with cat calls and sexual comments are actually harming their whole gender, a study has found.

The researchers asked 114 undergraduate female students to watch a video and imagine themselves as bystanders to a situation where a man made either a sexist remark at another woman or simply greeted her.

The students were then asked to rate their levels of anxiety and depression as well as their anger and fear toward men and their desire to move against or away from men.

The study showed that in addition to feeling upset, women were more likely to take the sexist remark as an insult to their gender, and feel greater anger and motivation to take direct action toward men in general.

I find this article to be complete nonsense and I’ll tell you why. First of all, women have a tendency to be over-dramatic. If you ask a woman any question at all you’re going to get the most extreme answer ever. If you ask them, “how was your weekend?” they will certainly respond with “it was the best (or worst) weekend of my entire life!!!!!” So it shouldn’t come as a surprise when the results of this survey show that every woman who gets yelled at automatically hates all guys in the world and wants to kill themselves.

I’m also going to guess that all the women who took part in this survey were gross, disgusting slobs. They grimace at the thought of a man yelling “hey hot stuff, lemme see them tits” when it’s brought up in theory, yet those words are exactly what they’re rubbing themselves to every night. These girls would explode in lust if they got this kind of attention in real life.

Let’s just say for the sake of argument that there were a mixture of women in this study, hot and gross. They’re all still idiots. So a guy yelling at them makes them hate all men. That’s reasonable. Can’t they just hate the douchey college guys who are trying to impress their friends, because those are the only people who yell things at people in public? Nope, all men are pigs. Now, I’m not going to generalize, like the bitches in the study, and say that all women are stupid. I’m just going to say that the diversity of people chosen for this study, who are supposed to represent the entire female population, are.

Maybe I’m just fired up over this article because it hits so close to home. I too have been a victim of cat calls. I get it from all directions, from women saying things like “you’re hot” to men saying things like “you’re a faggot”. Even though I get yelled at every time I leave my apartment, I still don’t hate specific groups of people because one of them yelled things at me once. That’s the kind of thinking that breeds racism… Wait a minute, I forgot where I was for a second. I started to get far too real there. Time to get back on track. All women are whores. The end.

Technorati Tags: cat calls, drunk yelling

Here’s the story from LiveScience:

That muttered curse word that reflexively comes out when you stub your toe could actually make it easier to bear the throbbing pain, a new study suggests.

The researchers enlisted 64 undergraduate volunteers and had them submerge their hand in a tub of ice water for as long as possible while repeating a swear word of their choice. The experiment was then repeated with the volunteer repeating a more common word that they would use to describe a table.

Contrary to what the researcher expected, the volunteers kept their hands submerged longer while repeating the swear word.

You’re kidding me, right? You mean swearing increases pain tolerance? Never have I heard such a thing! Every time I injure myself by, let’s say, walking face first into a door at night, I always scream out something like “sweater vest!” Man, maybe I should spend more money on swear word dictionaries rather than night lights and Advil.

I’m just in a state of disbelief right now. I mean, there’s no possible way that swearing increases pain tolerance. If it did, what would be next? Swearing yourself alive from being dead? Who needs pain medication for serious ailments when we can just create a self induced case of Tourette’s? What does this mean for our beloved pharmaceutical companies now? Probably a bail out, I would imagine.

Alright, enough of this charade. I have some pain that I need to tame, myself. The type of pain that can only be brought on by a stupid fucking article that tells nobody anything new at all. Is this all it takes to become a “scientific author” these days? Because I’m looking for paid writing gigs constantly and I have a scientific article about how sitting on a couch is more comfortable than sitting on a porcupine that would blow your mind.

Technorati Tags: swearing

Here’s the story:

Puerto Rico police said they have arrested a man accused of snatching 88 pieces of underwear from a neighbor’s clothesline. The man was charged with theft and illegal appropriation. Police said Wednesday that he returned all $1,000 worth of underwear to the woman.

They said he stole the items from his 29-year-old neighbor over a period of several months in the rural town of Orocovis. She apparently had to keep buying more to replace those that vanished from her line.

He was jailed Tuesday pending a $20,000 bond.

This story has a higher level of hilarious unbelievability than any other news story I’ve ever read. I’ve read news stories about stupid rednecks getting abducted by aliens that were more logical than this.

First of all, I’ve never heard underwear referred to as “pieces” before unless they were torn to shreds by an over-excited me. That’s a whole new level of pervert when you need 88 pieces of panties just to get off. It makes me wonder what this creep’s cut-off is. What number does he have to get to before he says “welp, this should do it”? Besides, they were hanging on a laundry line so it’s not like they’re freshly scented by woman unless they got wet some other way, besides washing, but I can’t even comprehend a scenario where that would happen unless the girl was extremely careless with her beverages.

I actually think that the woman is partly, if not mostly, responsible for this ridiculousness. How the hell is she going to allow 88 of anything be stolen over several months? I had a Netflix movie stolen out of my mailbox once when I was attempting to send it back and I immediately started taking them to those giant blue drop boxes around town.

Plus, what is she doing hanging up panties outside? With that $1,000 panty investment she could have bought a fucking dryer like a normal human. I mean, she’s from Puerto Rico and I imagine any place outside of America people live in dirt huts, but if you have a $1,000 panty budget I’m not going to have any sympathy for you. Plus you could have just gone without panties if you wanted to be a real sweetheart. Look at TMZ once in a while, everyone is sans panties these days. It’s really the only respectable way to make a living and a name for yourself all at once.

Technorati Tags: idiots, Panty Thief, wtf

Here’s the story:

The state fire marshal’s office said Tuesday afternoon that a three-alarm fire that destroyed Vassalboro’s Grand View Coffee Shop, a business known for its topless waiters and waitresses, was caused by arson.

A Belfast ambulance crew that was returning to Belfast from a call saw the fire around 1 a.m. Wednesday. They awakened owner Donald Crabtree and six other people who were asleep at the time. They escaped from the fire without injury.

Of the people who fled from the blaze were a pair of four-month old babies.

When they say “four-month old babies fled from the blaze” it makes me laugh uncontrollably. I just picture little toddlers running like hell around a fiery room with their arms flailing above their heads. For that visual alone I’m at least a little bit happy that this place caught fire.

As for the fact that it burned down due to arson, no fucking duh. All you had to do is read any news article about this place since its opening to know that conservative people and religious wackos were furious about this place. Not to mention the people I talked about when I first broke this story, the jealous and sexually frustrated male patrons. This place had a gigantic target on it’s back from day one.

Knowing that you own the most hated place in town should convince you to not live in the same fucking place with six other people. I know if I opened a place like this I would not only refuse to live there, but also have some sort of elaborate system where 40 foot high steel walls would surround it when it’s closed. Either that or transform it into a church to hopefully confuse those aforementioned super religious scumbags.

I don’t want to make it sound like this guy had it coming, but he definitely fucking did. Sure, it’s a shame that you can’t open a completely legal establishment without fearing that it will be burned down, but you should know how to go about it the right way. A few ideas would be to not live in the goddamn place, and also get some fucking insurance. If you read the full article the owner said that the place is paid for but he didn’t have any insurance on it. Sure, I think insurance can be a complete scam, but not when you run a place that people passionately loathe.

This guy really should have sent in an “Ask Josh” question about how to go about opening a topless coffee shop the smart way. If he would have done that he’d have insurance, and he wouldn’t have had half naked men running around with the sexy topless waitresses. In fact, I retract my statement about the religious people being responsible for this fire. It was probably just a guy, like me, who had dreams of this fantastic place with boobies and coffee, then when he got there he realized it’s basically a small town motel with ugly whore waitresses and shirtless dudes. I completely understand their motive.

Technorati Tags: arson, Grand View, Topless Coffee Shop

Instead, I take a look at the small stories that rarely get any attention. The stories usually involve three main things: alcohol, weapons and blatant stupidity. They’re typically not hard stories to find here in America where everyone is constantly drunk, armed and ill-mannered.

Here’s the latest article that caught my attention:

Police said on June 21, Lupercio started arguing with a 25-year-old man about the breed of the younger man’s dog on the sidewalk on Apple Street between 29th and 30th streets. The owner said the dog was a pit bull. Lupercio said it was a lab, then went home and came back 20 minutes later with a crossbow pistol and fired it, just missing him.

Alcohol was a factor in the incident.

As weird as it sounds, the part of this story that I have the biggest problem with is when they state that “alcohol was a factor in the incident”, like this guy’s not a gigantic asshole to begin with. Don’t give this guy an alcohol out for his extreme barbarism. If he’s shooting crossbows at people when he’s drunk he at least says “what the fuck are you looking at?” five times a day when he’s sober to anyone who even glances at him.

You hear about these types of stories all the time. Two people have a small disagreement and one of the people usually assaults and attempts to kill the other. I actually think that this particular brand of crazy, that threatens lives, can really just be reduced to people, as a whole, being complete self-serving assholes deep down. I’m not even talking about the hilarious and intelligent kind of asshole, like me. I’m talking about just mean and bitter disappointments to society. It’s these types of violent assholes that really give a bad name to the awesome assholes like me, and it’s a damn shame.

So what do we do about this problem of an unintelligent, violent and ill-mannered society? I guess the only real solution to this particular problem is to kill their entire bloodline. Really snuff out the problem on the base level. If you try to injure someone over a ridiculous disagreement, you’re done. It’s not like you’re a positive, contributing member of society anyways.

Technorati Tags: asshole, crossbow, drunk

Anyways, this thing happened:

VASSALBORO, Maine – Cup size has more than one meaning at a new central Maine coffeehouse. Servers are topless at the Grand View Topless Coffee Shop, which opened its doors Monday on a busy road in Vassalboro. A sign outside says, “Over 18 only.” Another says, “No cameras, no touching, cash only.”

On Tuesday, two men sipped coffee at a booth while three topless waitresses and a bare-chested waiter stood nearby. Topless waitress Susie Wiley said men, women and couples have stopped by.

I just want to start of by saying that this article absolutely sickens me. Just the thought of anyone thinking that this is a good idea blows my mind. I do not want to live in this type of America. I’m talking, of course, of the horrendous joke in the first sentence of this article. Cup size has more than one meaning at the topless coffee shop?!?!? Get it? With the coffee cup sizes, and the boob sizes? OMFG! Brilliance! I’m surprised that they didn’t add “just don’t ask for cream in your coffee”, but that might be a bit too edgy for the media.

Actually, this whole article is filled with complete disappointment. I was on board until I read “no touching”. Then I thought I might be able to deal with that if I make sure to keep my hands on myself. Then in the next paragraph I got hit with another disappointment bomb. A “bare chested waiter”? No touching and a half naked dude walking around groping all the whore waitresses? You do want people to go come to your coffee shop, right? This scenario is actually why I never went to parties in high school. I pictured the hot girls in my class walking around topless with all the football players while I sat in a corner hating myself and expanding my jerk bank.

I bet the insurance policy for this place is huge! Piping hot beverages and nudity? Sounds like a possibly painful situation for someone. Imagine if one of the topless whores is in a bad mood one day and is bitchy to one of the scumbag male patrons. All he has to do is throw coffee on her tits and she would be disfigured for life. Or maybe some fat creep goes in there and instantly gets jealous of the bare chested waiter. Not to mention dudes with raging boners getting distracted by titties and knocking their hot coffee onto their man satchel. Not a pleasant thought. Now, I don’t know what the difference would be between burning stiff cock as opposed to limp, but I would imagine stiff cock would hurt more. When it’s limp it’s harder to hit, plus it has more of an elephant skin quality. Or maybe the stiff cock would be more like a shield and it would just kind of deflect it to the inner thigh and ball areas. I really have no idea. Why aren’t scientists on this great mystery? What are those “geniuses” getting paid for?

Technorati Tags: burnt cock, coffee shop, topless waitress

Apparently, last week there were a couple of sexy trendsetters walking around Singapore completely nude. Why can’t stuff like that happen around here? All I get to see is old men falling on ice. While hilarious, it usually leads to me having to actually be nice and help them, which kills me on the inside a little bit each time. Here’s the story:

SINGAPORE (Reuters) – A couple treated open air diners to a 15-minute naked parade in Singapore, triggering both embarrassment and applause for a scene almost unheard of in the conservative city-state.

“Then, clothes in hand, they coolly walked in their flip-flops toward the market,” he said, adding when the couple did a U-turn a sea of spectators was ready and poised with cameras.

“There were more than 200 people and everyone was taking pictures,” the newspaper Wednesday quoted Chia as saying. “Even women were busy clicking and people were cheering, whistling and applauding like crazy.”

Police said the couple, a Caucasian man and an ethnic Chinese woman in their 20s, had been arrested and released on bail. If convicted under Singapore law, they could face a fine of maximum fine of S$2000 ($1,330), up to 3 months in jail, or both.

This story doesn’t speak too highly about the couple, but it really doesn’t speak too highly about the 200 people who were so amazed by nakedness that they had to follow these two around and take pictures. I find it funny that the article mentions that “even women were busy clicking”. I think the women were probably taking pictures because there was a naked Caucasian and they’re not used to seeing normal sized dicks. Imagine if it would have been a black guy, their brains, hearts and vaginas would have all exploded at once.

I’m also curious if the film used to take the pictures got developed alright. I ask because it seems every film I see of naked Chinese people, all their private happy fun places are blurred. I was wondering if that was a genetic thing and peoples genitals are just blurry in real life over there, or if their cameras come with some cock/vag detection auto-blur.

I also think that 3 months in jail and a $1,330 fine is a bit much. People act like they revealed some big secret to the world. Everyone knows what a naked body looks like mostly thanks to the internet, I believe. If I didn’t have the internet I would still have no idea what’s going on downstairs. I never saw a nude girl before the internet, and I only changed and took showers in the dark because I was afraid of what I might see… The Internet is the real hero in this story.

Technorati Tags: Chinese, News, Nude Protester