Subscribe via RSS Feed

Category: News Thing

News Thing – Swearing Pain Away

View Comments July 15, 2009 | JoshPerson

A new study has just been completed that will probably change the world as we know it. Never before has there been such a worthwhile experiment to open our minds and tell each and every one of us something we don’t already know and haven’t even thought of.

Here’s the story from LiveScience:

That muttered curse word that reflexively comes out when you stub your toe could actually make it easier to bear the throbbing pain, a new study suggests.

The researchers enlisted 64 undergraduate volunteers and had them submerge their hand in a tub of ice water for as long as possible while repeating a swear word of their choice. The experiment was then repeated with the volunteer repeating a more common word that they would use to describe a table.

Contrary to what the researcher expected, the volunteers kept their hands submerged longer while repeating the swear word.

You’re kidding me, right? You mean swearing increases pain tolerance? Never have I heard such a thing! Every time I injure myself by, let’s say, walking face first into a door at night, I always scream out something like “sweater vest!” Man, maybe I should spend more money on swear word dictionaries rather than night lights and Advil.

I’m just in a state of disbelief right now. I mean, there’s no possible way that swearing increases pain tolerance. If it did, what would be next? Swearing yourself alive from being dead? Who needs pain medication for serious ailments when we can just create a self induced case of Tourette’s? What does this mean for our beloved pharmaceutical companies now? Probably a bail out, I would imagine.

Alright, enough of this charade. I have some pain that I need to tame, myself. The type of pain that can only be brought on by a stupid fucking article that tells nobody anything new at all. Is this all it takes to become a “scientific author” these days? Because I’m looking for paid writing gigs constantly and I have a scientific article about how sitting on a couch is more comfortable than sitting on a porcupine that would blow your mind.

Technorati Tags:

View Post/Comments

News Thing – Panty Thief

View Comments June 18, 2009 | JoshPerson

In my quest to bring hard hitting news that everyone needs to know about, I bring you this lovely story. Stay informed, people. You can’t expect to change the world if you don’t know what’s going on in it.

Here’s the story:

Puerto Rico police said they have arrested a man accused of snatching 88 pieces of underwear from a neighbor’s clothesline. The man was charged with theft and illegal appropriation. Police said Wednesday that he returned all $1,000 worth of underwear to the woman.

They said he stole the items from his 29-year-old neighbor over a period of several months in the rural town of Orocovis. She apparently had to keep buying more to replace those that vanished from her line.

He was jailed Tuesday pending a $20,000 bond.

This story has a higher level of hilarious unbelievability than any other news story I’ve ever read. I’ve read news stories about stupid rednecks getting abducted by aliens that were more logical than this.

First of all, I’ve never heard underwear referred to as “pieces” before unless they were torn to shreds by an over-excited me. That’s a whole new level of pervert when you need 88 pieces of panties just to get off. It makes me wonder what this creep’s cut-off is. What number does he have to get to before he says “welp, this should do it”? Besides, they were hanging on a laundry line so it’s not like they’re freshly scented by woman unless they got wet some other way, besides washing, but I can’t even comprehend a scenario where that would happen unless the girl was extremely careless with her beverages.

I actually think that the woman is partly, if not mostly, responsible for this ridiculousness. How the hell is she going to allow 88 of anything be stolen over several months? I had a Netflix movie stolen out of my mailbox once when I was attempting to send it back and I immediately started taking them to those giant blue drop boxes around town.

Plus, what is she doing hanging up panties outside? With that $1,000 panty investment she could have bought a fucking dryer like a normal human. I mean, she’s from Puerto Rico and I imagine any place outside of America people live in dirt huts, but if you have a $1,000 panty budget I’m not going to have any sympathy for you. Plus you could have just gone without panties if you wanted to be a real sweetheart. Look at TMZ once in a while, everyone is sans panties these days. It’s really the only respectable way to make a living and a name for yourself all at once.

Technorati Tags: , ,

View Post/Comments

News Thing – Topless Coffee Burns

View Comments June 4, 2009 | JoshPerson

I posted a story a while back about a topless coffee shop that opened in Maine. I, of course, take full credit for their success, but not for what happened recently. This topless coffee shop, that has tons of enemies, burned to the ground! Shocker!

Here’s the story:

grandview

The state fire marshal’s office said Tuesday afternoon that a three-alarm fire that destroyed Vassalboro’s Grand View Coffee Shop, a business known for its topless waiters and waitresses, was caused by arson.

A Belfast ambulance crew that was returning to Belfast from a call saw the fire around 1 a.m. Wednesday. They awakened owner Donald Crabtree and six other people who were asleep at the time. They escaped from the fire without injury.

Of the people who fled from the blaze were a pair of four-month old babies.

When they say “four-month old babies fled from the blaze” it makes me laugh uncontrollably. I just picture little toddlers running like hell around a fiery room with their arms flailing above their heads. For that visual alone I’m at least a little bit happy that this place caught fire.

As for the fact that it burned down due to arson, no fucking duh. All you had to do is read any news article about this place since its opening to know that conservative people and religious wackos were furious about this place. Not to mention the people I talked about when I first broke this story, the jealous and sexually frustrated male patrons. This place had a gigantic target on it’s back from day one.

Knowing that you own the most hated place in town should convince you to not live in the same fucking place with six other people. I know if I opened a place like this I would not only refuse to live there, but also have some sort of elaborate system where 40 foot high steel walls would surround it when it’s closed. Either that or transform it into a church to hopefully confuse those aforementioned super religious scumbags.

I don’t want to make it sound like this guy had it coming, but he definitely fucking did. Sure, it’s a shame that you can’t open a completely legal establishment without fearing that it will be burned down, but you should know how to go about it the right way. A few ideas would be to not live in the goddamn place, and also get some fucking insurance. If you read the full article the owner said that the place is paid for but he didn’t have any insurance on it. Sure, I think insurance can be a complete scam, but not when you run a place that people passionately loathe.

This guy really should have sent in an “Ask Josh” question about how to go about opening a topless coffee shop the smart way. If he would have done that he’d have insurance, and he wouldn’t have had half naked men running around with the sexy topless waitresses. In fact, I retract my statement about the religious people being responsible for this fire. It was probably just a guy, like me, who had dreams of this fantastic place with boobies and coffee, then when he got there he realized it’s basically a small town motel with ugly whore waitresses and shirtless dudes. I completely understand their motive.

Technorati Tags: , ,

View Post/Comments

News Thing – Drunk Crossbow

View Comments May 21, 2009 | JoshPerson

Anytime my hate tank for humanity is a little low I set my sights on the news for a healthy refuel. Sure, I could look towards articles about politics or religion to quickly fuel my hate filled being, but the hate usually gets directed inwards after I realize that I’m not nearly as smart as I think I am.

Instead, I take a look at the small stories that rarely get any attention. The stories usually involve three main things: alcohol, weapons and blatant stupidity. They’re typically not hard stories to find here in America where everyone is constantly drunk, armed and ill-mannered.

Here’s the latest article that caught my attention:

drunkcrossbowPolice said on June 21, Lupercio started arguing with a 25-year-old man about the breed of the younger man’s dog on the sidewalk on Apple Street between 29th and 30th streets. The owner said the dog was a pit bull. Lupercio said it was a lab, then went home and came back 20 minutes later with a crossbow pistol and fired it, just missing him.

Alcohol was a factor in the incident.

As weird as it sounds, the part of this story that I have the biggest problem with is when they state that “alcohol was a factor in the incident”, like this guy’s not a gigantic asshole to begin with. Don’t give this guy an alcohol out for his extreme barbarism. If he’s shooting crossbows at people when he’s drunk he at least says “what the fuck are you looking at?” five times a day when he’s sober to anyone who even glances at him.

You hear about these types of stories all the time. Two people have a small disagreement and one of the people usually assaults and attempts to kill the other. I actually think that this particular brand of crazy, that threatens lives, can really just be reduced to people, as a whole, being complete self-serving assholes deep down. I’m not even talking about the hilarious and intelligent kind of asshole, like me. I’m talking about just mean and bitter disappointments to society. It’s these types of violent assholes that really give a bad name to the awesome assholes like me, and it’s a damn shame.

So what do we do about this problem of an unintelligent, violent and ill-mannered society? I guess the only real solution to this particular problem is to kill their entire bloodline. Really snuff out the problem on the base level. If you try to injure someone over a ridiculous disagreement, you’re done. It’s not like you’re a positive, contributing member of society anyways.

Technorati Tags: , ,

View Post/Comments
Page 2 of 3123