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Category: News Thing

News Thing – February 25, 2009

View Comments February 25, 2009 | JoshPerson

Here’s me taking another crack at this weird newsy bullshit. I don’t know why I seem angry about it. Maybe it’s because I’d rather be helping people and saving lives, but not many people have been sending in Ask Josh questions lately… And by “not many people” I mean no people at all. I also don’t live that exciting of a life to come up with a new tale of awkwardness every week. Someone should really donate me vacation packages. The awkward filled blog content I would get from actually leaving my apartment would be massive.

Anyways, this thing happened:

VASSALBORO, Maine – Cup size has more than one meaning at a new central Maine coffeehouse. Servers are topless at the Grand View Topless Coffee Shop, which opened its doors Monday on a busy road in Vassalboro. A sign outside says, “Over 18 only.” Another says, “No cameras, no touching, cash only.”

On Tuesday, two men sipped coffee at a booth while three topless waitresses and a bare-chested waiter stood nearby. Topless waitress Susie Wiley said men, women and couples have stopped by.

I just want to start of by saying that this article absolutely sickens me. Just the thought of anyone thinking that this is a good idea blows my mind. I do not want to live in this type of America. I’m talking, of course, of the horrendous joke in the first sentence of this article. Cup size has more than one meaning at the topless coffee shop?!?!? Get it? With the coffee cup sizes, and the boob sizes? OMFG! Brilliance! I’m surprised that they didn’t add “just don’t ask for cream in your coffee”, but that might be a bit too edgy for the media.

Actually, this whole article is filled with complete disappointment. I was on board until I read “no touching”. Then I thought I might be able to deal with that if I make sure to keep my hands on myself. Then in the next paragraph I got hit with another disappointment bomb. A “bare chested waiter”? No touching and a half naked dude walking around groping all the whore waitresses? You do want people to go come to your coffee shop, right? This scenario is actually why I never went to parties in high school. I pictured the hot girls in my class walking around topless with all the football players while I sat in a corner hating myself and expanding my jerk bank.

I bet the insurance policy for this place is huge! Piping hot beverages and nudity? Sounds like a possibly painful situation for someone. Imagine if one of the topless whores is in a bad mood one day and is bitchy to one of the scumbag male patrons. All he has to do is throw coffee on her tits and she would be disfigured for life. Or maybe some fat creep goes in there and instantly gets jealous of the bare chested waiter. Not to mention dudes with raging boners getting distracted by titties and knocking their hot coffee onto their man satchel. Not a pleasant thought. Now, I don’t know what the difference would be between burning stiff cock as opposed to limp, but I would imagine stiff cock would hurt more. When it’s limp it’s harder to hit, plus it has more of an elephant skin quality. Or maybe the stiff cock would be more like a shield and it would just kind of deflect it to the inner thigh and ball areas. I really have no idea. Why aren’t scientists on this great mystery? What are those “geniuses” getting paid for?

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News Thing – February 2, 2009

View Comments February 2, 2009 | JoshPerson

In an effort to put some more awesome and different content on this site I decided to do a little segment where I talk about some random news story I find. It’ll be fun, I swear. If you come across a story that you would like to see me talk about then send me the link on my contact page (which, along with the Ask Josh form now supports the ability to add images). Let me know in the comments what you think of this idea, if it gets good support I’ll do it more often. Also suggest titles for t his series of blogs as I don’t think “News Thing” is going to stick.

Apparently, last week there were a couple of sexy trendsetters walking around Singapore completely nude. Why can’t stuff like that happen around here? All I get to see is old men falling on ice. While hilarious, it usually leads to me having to actually be nice and help them, which kills me on the inside a little bit each time. Here’s the story:

SINGAPORE (Reuters) – A couple treated open air diners to a 15-minute naked parade in Singapore, triggering both embarrassment and applause for a scene almost unheard of in the conservative city-state.

“Then, clothes in hand, they coolly walked in their flip-flops toward the market,” he said, adding when the couple did a U-turn a sea of spectators was ready and poised with cameras.

“There were more than 200 people and everyone was taking pictures,” the newspaper Wednesday quoted Chia as saying. “Even women were busy clicking and people were cheering, whistling and applauding like crazy.”

Police said the couple, a Caucasian man and an ethnic Chinese woman in their 20s, had been arrested and released on bail. If convicted under Singapore law, they could face a fine of maximum fine of S$2000 ($1,330), up to 3 months in jail, or both.

This story doesn’t speak too highly about the couple, but it really doesn’t speak too highly about the 200 people who were so amazed by nakedness that they had to follow these two around and take pictures. I find it funny that the article mentions that “even women were busy clicking”. I think the women were probably taking pictures because there was a naked Caucasian and they’re not used to seeing normal sized dicks. Imagine if it would have been a black guy, their brains, hearts and vaginas would have all exploded at once.

I’m also curious if the film used to take the pictures got developed alright. I ask because it seems every film I see of naked Chinese people, all their private happy fun places are blurred. I was wondering if that was a genetic thing and peoples genitals are just blurry in real life over there, or if their cameras come with some cock/vag detection auto-blur.

I also think that 3 months in jail and a $1,330 fine is a bit much. People act like they revealed some big secret to the world. Everyone knows what a naked body looks like mostly thanks to the internet, I believe. If I didn’t have the internet I would still have no idea what’s going on downstairs. I never saw a nude girl before the internet, and I only changed and took showers in the dark because I was afraid of what I might see… The Internet is the real hero in this story.

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