Las Vegas Town

Recently I went on a funtastic little trip to a small place called Las Vegas town. This trip was the first big sized vacation that I’ve had for many, many years. It’s the first trip I’ve taken in 5 years where there were these magical flying machines involved called airplanes, I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of these before.

The first thing that I found distressing about this trip was the fact that you have to go through security nude. It’s winter in Iowa so of course I’m wearing 18 1/2 layers, all of which have to be taken off and put into these little bucket bin things that could barely hold a roll of Life Savers. After that whole ordeal there is a long ass wait. You’re supposed to show up at the airport like 3 hours early and by the time you check in your bags and go through security you have about 2 hours and 55 minutes to kill. I’m actually fine with waiting because I’m really good at it. I can wait like a mother fucker.

Once on the plane I dive to a window seat because I don’t fuck around with sitting in the middle. I’m not going to sit by a complete stranger because they always suck. It’s like the airline purposely puts creeps on the aisle if you’re flying with only two people in your party. The guy my dad had to sit buy was at least 125. This fucker was ancient. I swear this guy was already embalmed. Of course, being the caring and loving son that I am I make fun of my dad relentlessly about the old guy dying in his arms during air travel. One final thing about the old guy, he packed a ham sandwich in his carry-on. This fucker meant business.

So we land in Las Vegas and wait for the baggage claim. Already the trip is starting off great as my bag is one of the first one out. My father’s bag on the other hand, always the very last off. I could swear he banged the baggage handlers girlfriend in the airplane bathroom or something.

So we get to the hotel and check into our rooms, and yes I said rooms. It’s not like we were on some homosexual escapade, we had separate rooms. Not only did we have separate rooms, but we also had horrific rooms. For my first time in Vegas I was hoping to have a high up hotel room with a great view of the city so I could look out with the wonderment of a 12 year old boy who just saw boobs for the first time on the internet. Nope, our rooms were on the first floor looking into a fucking wall. If you must see the evidence then you best be clicking here.

One thing you might not know about me is that I am a gambling faggot. I love to gamble and I really have no idea why. It was very much troubling to me that I only had to walk down a hallway and hang a right and I’m in the middle of a fucking casino with it’s attractive lights and noises, with a pocket full of cash. I don’t want to get into the gambling thing too much since it’s boring talk so lets just say that I won hundreds playing poker in cash games and tournaments and I said “I will fuck you in your fuck” to slot machines more than once.

Now let’s get down to Vegas as a city and my perception of it. Vegas itself was not what I expected at all. It’s trashy. You have dirty strip malls that serve no purpose but to be made fun of and there are mexicans standing every 10 feet handing out porno cards for what I can only imagine are dirty, dirty whores. Not only that, but there are way to many fucking tourists. I can deal with walking downtown Chicago or New York because I’m amongst people who live there and know what the fuck they’re doing. In Vegas, however, the streets are crowded with people who are just waiting to stop right in front of you to snap a picture of a fucking neon sign and talk about it’s awesomeness. I don’t know how many people I gave flat tires to or just ran directly into the back of.

I did see some pretty amazing things while there though. I saw an fake Elvis guy standing in the exact same spot and positing every time I walked by him on several days. I also saw a guy that had no arms, his hands were attached to his shoulders. The thing that I didn’t get about this guys was that he was sitting in a manual wheel chair. What the fuck? The guy could walk, I saw him hop out of it once. Wouldn’t you think a wheelchair would be more of a burden for him, you know, since he DOESN’T HAVE FUCKING ARMS? How the fuck did he roll it? It made absolutely no sense to me and his logic made me not want to give him change.

Another thing that I realized in Vegas is that I do not trust anybody there. Everyone just seems so shady. I was thinking that even if a legitimate girl was hitting on me I wouldn’t do anything because I don’t want to end up missing a lung the next morning. A 90 year old woman could by having a heart attack right in front of me in a casino, begging for me to help her and I’d say “Let me guess, the only way I could help is by fixing you with money, go fuck yourself.”

Overall it was actually a pretty awesome trip and it was nice to get out of the state of Iowa. I could definitely see myself living in a place like that strictly because of it’s poker rooms and since after losing hundreds at slots I took an oath to never play them again.

Blog posts may be a little few and far between for a little while because my fucking laptop died all over the place and that’s what I generally wrote blogs on. So if you have any suggestion of laptops that I should buy leave them in the comment section. I have my eye on this Dell laptop but I’m going to try to find some connections so I can get it for cheaper. I’m a very non-rich individual.

Tags: Las Vegas

Category: General Posts