News Thing – February 25, 2009
Here’s me taking another crack at this weird newsy bullshit. I don’t know why I seem angry about it. Maybe it’s because I’d rather be helping people and saving lives, but not many people have been sending in Ask Josh questions lately… And by “not many people” I mean no people at all. I also don’t live that exciting of a life to come up with a new tale of awkwardness every week. Someone should really donate me vacation packages. The awkward filled blog content I would get from actually leaving my apartment would be massive.
Anyways, this thing happened:
VASSALBORO, Maine – Cup size has more than one meaning at a new central Maine coffeehouse. Servers are topless at the Grand View Topless Coffee Shop, which opened its doors Monday on a busy road in Vassalboro. A sign outside says, “Over 18 only.” Another says, “No cameras, no touching, cash only.”
On Tuesday, two men sipped coffee at a booth while three topless waitresses and a bare-chested waiter stood nearby. Topless waitress Susie Wiley said men, women and couples have stopped by.
I just want to start of by saying that this article absolutely sickens me. Just the thought of anyone thinking that this is a good idea blows my mind. I do not want to live in this type of America. I’m talking, of course, of the horrendous joke in the first sentence of this article. Cup size has more than one meaning at the topless coffee shop?!?!? Get it? With the coffee cup sizes, and the boob sizes? OMFG! Brilliance! I’m surprised that they didn’t add “just don’t ask for cream in your coffee”, but that might be a bit too edgy for the media.
Actually, this whole article is filled with complete disappointment. I was on board until I read “no touching”. Then I thought I might be able to deal with that if I make sure to keep my hands on myself. Then in the next paragraph I got hit with another disappointment bomb. A “bare chested waiter”? No touching and a half naked dude walking around groping all the whore waitresses? You do want people to go come to your coffee shop, right? This scenario is actually why I never went to parties in high school. I pictured the hot girls in my class walking around topless with all the football players while I sat in a corner hating myself and expanding my jerk bank.
I bet the insurance policy for this place is huge! Piping hot beverages and nudity? Sounds like a possibly painful situation for someone. Imagine if one of the topless whores is in a bad mood one day and is bitchy to one of the scumbag male patrons. All he has to do is throw coffee on her tits and she would be disfigured for life. Or maybe some fat creep goes in there and instantly gets jealous of the bare chested waiter. Not to mention dudes with raging boners getting distracted by titties and knocking their hot coffee onto their man satchel. Not a pleasant thought. Now, I don’t know what the difference would be between burning stiff cock as opposed to limp, but I would imagine stiff cock would hurt more. When it’s limp it’s harder to hit, plus it has more of an elephant skin quality. Or maybe the stiff cock would be more like a shield and it would just kind of deflect it to the inner thigh and ball areas. I really have no idea. Why aren’t scientists on this great mystery? What are those “geniuses” getting paid for?
Category: News Thing
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