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30 July 2010 @ 11:39 am: I really wish I could go one morning without getting raped by my shower curtain liner.

Advice Time – Dating Slavery

View Comments June 7, 2010 | JoshPerson

A couple weeks ago I gave some very strong advice to a girl who got her collarbone broken by a boy she liked (read up on that here). Well, she’s back.

So your advice was funny but he had a girlfriend. :( Now there is this guy (whore i know, already on to a new guy) who is on a “break” 9she refuses to let him dump her) with his girlfriend and i dont know what to do. since you OBVIOUSLY have such great social skills and have all of the girls are throwing themselves at you id like to ask if you have any advice for me.

First of all, I’m completely offended that you found my advice funny. This is a serious website where I help people with real issues. It’s not just some joke. Perhaps you didn’t understand my advice completely because you’re not smart enough to compute my level of genius.

Since you failed to give me all the information in your last question and I’m afraid you’re doing the same with this one I’m going to make some assumptions about your current whorey situation. I’m going to assume that since you know this new guy’s dating situation you’ve talked to him about it and probably expressed some sort of feelings towards him. If that’s wrong, I don’t really care.

The bottom line here is that he doesn’t have any interest in you whatsoever. How do I know this? Because slavery was abolished a long time ago. This guy’s current girlfriend isn’t allowed to keep him in the “break” stage of a relationship against his will while she’s out getting railed by every man who doesn’t throw up at the sight of her dumb, ugly head (I told you I would assume things). He’s allowed to say “we’re done” and move on and he would say that if he was interested in you at all.

So him telling you that he isn’t allowed to break up with his current girlfriend is just a way to tell you that he either legitimately wants to keep trying to work things out with her, or he’s stretching out the non-relationship out until someone better comes along. That way he doesn’t have to deal with a girl who has the body type/teeth of a female Slimer, like you (I’m assuming when you broke your collarbone you basically crumpled into an upright human puddle).

The only real advice that I can give you is to move on… Again. You clearly don’t have any qualms with falling in love at the drop of a hat, so just go to a public place, open your eyes really wide and look around. You’ll probably fall in love with every single man there. Just remember, sometimes it takes the uglies a little bit longer to find a loving partner who can handle their particular level of gross.

Hmm, I wonder why I don’t get more requests for advice… Anyways, don’t be afraid to send in your advice questions here. Sure, I was slightly mean to this broad, but that’s just because she thought she could pull one over on the sarcasm king with her last sentence. She was wrong. My crown remains intact and continues to be a complete girl magnet.

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Site News – June 6, 2010

View Comments June 6, 2010 | JoshPerson

Woah! What the hell is going on here? Things look all weird and stuff. That’s right, I changed the entire design of Absurdly Awesome. I know a lot of you people liked the old theme, but when you look at it every day while screaming “why am I not popular?!?!?” like I do, you tend start hating it. So my options were to either change the design or hunt down the server my website is hosted on, strap dynamite to it and kaboom it into pieces.

Anyways, there’s a poll on the sidebar for whether you like the design or not, so vote your little heart out. Plus, I’ll still be making some tweaks to the site, so if you have any features in mind that you’d like to see here either comment on this post or fill out the contact form. Don’t be afraid, like most people are, to contact me. I double pinky swear that I won’t make fun of you.

New Logo! This site needs a new logo very badly. The one that’s up there now got created in a moment of haste. It just looks lazy. So if you’re good with graphics, create something for me! I’ll pick the best one to use and promote whatever you want on this very blog! The image should be 425 x 100 and suit this new site design well. Extra points for a grunge-type look, but that’s not completely necessary.

That’s about it. As always, help promote the website, post it on your Facebook wall, Twitter about it, do whatever you have to do to get the word out. For instance, if you have a Facebook fan page with thousands of fans, throw my link up there. The more people I get on this site the more I’ll post. Also, thanks to all the people who have been promoting this site like crazy. You make my heart erect with love.

Need advice? Submit a question or situation you need advice on and I’ll make a blog post about it. It’s completely confidential!

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Six Years Lost

View Comments June 3, 2010 | JoshPerson

I know I’m a little late talking about the Lost series finale, but I had to say something. It took me this long to convince myself to cover something every blog in the universe has talked about already. Even terrible blogs about blogging have brought this up. I, however, want to go a little more general in my rant and talk not only about series finales as a whole, but also the rage I feel when I hear people talking about these final episodes.

I watched the Lost series finale and thought it was alright, but I’m not like most people. I don’t hold such high expectations of TV shows to where no matter what happens I’m going to be disappointed. That’s what people did with Lost and a lot of other finales. They think “oh this is my favorite show, the most epic show on TV, this finale is going to be amazing!!!!” I compare it to going on a date with the hottest chick in the world, thinking you’re going to bang her at the end of the night. You start getting yourself mentally prepared by picturing the bang and running through all these banging scenarios in your head. Then once you get yourself worked up until you’re all boners by the end of the night you find out that this girl isn’t just a common slut and you leave with only a hug. Disappointing, sure, but you should realize that you’re not going to bang every girl on the first date, as unfortunate as that may be.

I find it hilarious how people reacted to the Lost finale. I can’t count how many times I saw someone saying “I JUST WASTED 6 YEARS OF MY LIFE!!!!1″. Do you know what that implies? That for the past 6 years you did nothing except watch episodes of Lost on repeat. How about you don’t take a fucking television show so seriously that it cancels out everything good you’ve done in your life over the last 6 years. I can’t help but think that these Lost fanatics who got married in the past 6 years are now all filing for divorce because that whole time was just pointless.

At least Lost wasn’t like most shows in that they don’t get to make a proper series finale. Most shows go off the air at the end of a regular season, leaving a million cliff-hangers out there and nobody gives a shit. Every time a show I like goes off the air out of nowhere I don’t think my entire time watching it was a waste of time. It’s fucking entertainment. “If I would have known Lost was going to end like this I wouldn’t have even watched it and since I would have so much free time I’d do something that I wouldn’t consider a waste of my life like, I don’t know, jerking off to internet porn, playing video games and reading comic books.” Nobody actually said that, but that’s what everyone complaining sounds like to me. How dare you take yourself that seriously. If you think your time is that important then stop watching the goddamn TV.

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Chatting Randomly

View Comments May 27, 2010 | JoshPerson

Continuing with my own personal trend of getting into websites late, I decided to try out Chat Roulette. Well, I thought about it anyways, but I wasn’t into the idea of staring into the eyes of a million dicks, which is apparently the norm there. Instead, I tried out a seemingly less pornographic competitor called Stickam Shuffle.

When I first entered this contraption I had dreams of wooing all these babes with my quick wit and charm, and if that didn’t work I would just call them the c-word, show them my asshole and leave, keeping my dignity intact.  Instead, what I got was an embarrassing amount of nerves and carpal tunnel from clicking “Next” the instant I got connected with someone, babe or not.

I don’t think it was a confidence issue, as I look fucking amazing on webcam; shitty in real life, but amazing on webcam. I just would get instantly awkward and weirded out like “this ain’t normal”. I just felt like we would sit there staring at each other, not knowing what to say. I can’t deal with that level of awkwardness even though I know I will never hear from or see these people ever again, unless I end up on some “douches of Stickam Shuffle” Youtube remix.

Since the whole video chat thing was apparently too much for me I decided to find a similar text based system for the sole purpose of fucking with people. I just wanted to be instantly connected with random people, say a bunch of insane nonsense, giggle and then hopefully have some good blog content. Well, I ended up finding a site called Omegle, which allowed me to do just that, sort of.

The problem with Omegle is that there are only two types of people on there. Horny 15 year old boys and people already doing what I intended to do, fuck with people. I started running into so many of these horned up teens that I decided my best course of action would be to just type “I’m a man” as my opening line. About 90% of the people I got connected with instantly disconnected after me typing that.

I ran into a lot of people who thought they were comedians, but were actually lame. Most of them just saying “faggot” , the “n-word” or typing random characters over and over. There was only one person who gained my respect and that chat was as follows:

You: I’m a man.

Stranger: I’ve been waiting.

You: As well you should be?

Stranger: I’m in the world trade center right now.

Stranger: and the biggest fucking jet I’ve ever seen

Stranger: Is coming right at m

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Now that is a brand of humor that I can get behind. Other than that it was just a bunch of random douche bags and douche rags. I also felt with as many 15-year-olds as there were are there that I better not say anything sexual or I could get arrested, which cuts out about 80% of my jokes.

I swear I’ll give the whole Chat Roulette thing another shot at some point. I think there is way too much potential for fantastic blog content there for me to not. Maybe I’ll try it again when I’m absolutely fuck faced drunk and not caring. My wittiness might suffer, but at least I wont be shy about asking for boobs.

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