Ask Josh – How To Be Romantic

There’s a very troublesome trend in the dating world that I’ve picked up on throughout my years. It seems like after a while the passion starts to dwindle and you might as well be two robots with dicks and pussies that now rarely get used. This guy is having a similar problem:

Dear Josh,

How can I be more romantic? My girlfriend says I’m not romantic enough anymore. When we first started dating, I’d do all kinds of cutesy couple-like things for her, but I don’t anymore.

Please help!

Like I said, this is a very common situation to be in. I don’t know how many housewives say this same thing to me as they beg me to bang them. It can also lead to the end of a relationship if you don’t play it exactly like I’m going to instruct you. So either follow my advice, or die lonely. It’s really up to you.

The first thing you have to do is decode what your girlfriend is really trying to say. Girls say this all the time and you shouldn’t always take it at face value. I don’t know if you noticed this, but girls have a habit of needing something to bitch about constantly. This may be the only thing that her feeble little mind could come up with.

How can you tell if the complaint is real or not? Easy, by body language. If she says it while crying after watching a “chick flick” or reading a romance novel then you have nothing to worry about. She’s probably just influenced by the dickless, homosexual writer’s idea of a real man. It will pass. However, if she says it with a bitch face and refuses to put out for an extended period of time then you’re in the danger zone.

Now, most people will probably tell you to start doing a bunch of sweet stuff immediately, but that’s completely wrong. Even if it is a real issue to her it doesn’t exactly mean what you think it does. In reality, she’s just trying to control you. If you give up all your power and start doing nothing but nice things to her then she’s going to give up on you because you’re not a challenge anymore.

Sure, you can still do the occasional nice thing, but you have to mix it with something slightly mean. Always hold your ground as a real man. Don’t let this screwed in the head mate of yours turn you into a girly-man who loves romantic comedies and gets way too into the idea of having kids.

An ideal situation where you can still be sweet is by buying her flowers one day, but as you’re handing them over to her say something along the lines of “here you go, you fucking bitch”. You could also say something like “hey idiot, lets go for a romantic walk on the beach so I can look at babes that are hotter than you”. The second one is great because it throws in something for them to be insecure about, which is always fantastic.

I know these strategies seem uncommon and your gut reaction may be to avoid them at all costs. However, you have to realize that most relationships end, usually horribly. All these relationships are doomed from the beginning because men all follow the same terrible logic that you’re probably thinking about following yourself by completely submitting to her needs. These idiot men all take their romantic cues from shows like “Friends” – it’s absurd. So get your dick out of your heart and join me in the man club (not gay).

Technorati Tags: Advice Column, romance

The First Date

When I was in high school I wasn’t much of a dater. I talk about being awkward in most situations now, but back then the awkwardness was ratcheted up to a point where I almost couldn’t survive. What better way to showcase my complete ineptness with people than a story about the first date I ever went on?

I’d like to mention that this wasn’t my first girlfriend ever. I wasn’t that big of a loser. I had dated girls in school before, but was never old enough to drive anywhere so “dates” would be restricted to showing up and a school basketball game and sitting next to each other, or the school dance where I’d post up against a wall and get jealous of all the douchey males that would actually dance to fast songs and grind up against my girlfriend. To take a line from my hero, Bill Hicks, “Real men don’t dance. They sit, sweat and curse”.

Anyways, back to the topic at hand. Somehow when I was 16 I finagled my way into a date with a cute girl without completely falling apart. I don’t even really remember how it happened, but I do recall pacing my bedroom for three hours trying to work up the nerve to make the phone call.

So the day finally arrived, my first out on the town date ever. To say I was nervous is an understatement. I was an extremely shy kid at this point in my life. I hadn’t yet acquired the ability to say “fuck it” and let whatever happens happen. These days if I go on a date I’m not nervous because I figure the worst case scenario is that I hate the girl and just sit back and point out all of her flaws. That way I’m at least entertained, so it’s not a complete waste of my time.

Right off the bat this date was a disaster. I misread the directions and got completely lost. I actually even showed up at the wrong house. I’m lucky nobody was home or I may have just sliced my own throat right in front of them, out of embarrassment. I finally showed up at the right house, an hour late, and things sort of got back on track. By that I mean I said “hi” and opened the car door for her because I’m a goddamn gentleman.

The actual date itself was 95% silence. On the car ride to the restaurant we were going to I tried starting some conversations, but it was completely impossible with this girl. Every question I asked her she’d just give me “yes” and “no” answers. So, in an unintentional asshole move I turned up the radio slightly, which I didn’t realize at the time is basically a “fuck you”. I just couldn’t handle the silence anymore.

At dinner awkward got awkwarder. We said more to the goddamn waiter than we did to each other. I wish I was exaggerating that. It was just us sitting there in silence. The high point of the night was a waitress getting knocked over while she was carrying food to a table. All the dishes shattered on the ground and there was food everywhere. We laughed and laughed, and then dove directly back into the not-so-sweet abyss of complete silence. Then after dinner I figured if we were going to sit in silence anyways, why not do it in a movie theater? At least it’ll give me something to be entertained by while failing on a date.

Then comes the interesting and completely mind fucking part. The end date drop off. At this point I had already decided I wasn’t going to make any kind of end date kiss. I just didn’t see the date going well enough to even attempt such a complicated maneuver. Much to my surprise her body language was telling me that she might be into it. This completely threw me off. I started wondering what was happening. The date clearly didn’t go well and yet she seemed completely into starting something. I completely panicked. I started wondering if I was misreading the situation and how she could be into me at all after the disaster that was the first date. I started wondering if she was actually into the weak, silent type.

Needless to say I remained frozen and completely chickened out. I spent the rest of the night and the next few days mentally punching myself in the face. I guess, deep down I just wanted to regret the entire night. I must have wanted to completely fuck up my first date so I could tell myself that it only gets better from there. Well, mission accomplished.

Technorati Tags: Awkwardness, First Date