Christmas Times

If you couldn’t tell by now, I’m pretty indifferent towards the holidays. When I was a kid I loved them and from the time I graduated high school up until this year I despised them. These days, however, I just don’t really care. Sure, it’s nice to see family and if there aren’t to many cousins involved I usually have a good time. What’s holding me back from actually enjoying these holidays? I don’t know, probably my ever increasing desire to make every situation as awkward as possible.

The gift giving situation alone is enough for me to never fully enjoy a holiday like Christmas. I’ve never given or received a gift that didn’t contain some level of awkwardness. Sure, the gifts I get are usually good, but I feel so much pressure to get excited. I always half expect the giver to want me to do a handstand while smiling just to show my appreciation. I’m a man, I don’t get upside-down excited about stuff unless it involves banging some hots or getting a dollar amount that means I’d never have to work again.

Giving gifts is even more stressful to me than receiving gifts. I could have this perfect idea for a gift inside my head for months and the idea remains perfect up until gift giving time. That’s generally when all these doubts come rushing in my braindome. These doubts come from two directions. One doubt is that they already have the item I’m gifting and I’ll be left with one of my least favorite errands of all times, returning an item. The other doubt comes from the fact that they might possibly hate the gift, which I’m sure a lot of people feel.

I realize this makes me sound insane and completely incapable of having fun, but I don’t care. Like I said, I don’t hate Christmas, I could really just go without some aspects of it. I’ll sit around a Christmas table with family all goddamn day, drink myself blind and be completely happy about it as long as gifts aren’t involved.

I know some of you ladies are concerned now with this new revelation. I hear the sound of some crushes on me being broken right now, so let me clear some things up. Don’t get me wrong,  Christmas with a girlfriend is terrible, especially if I have to get together with their stupid family of strangers, but the gift thing with a girlfriend is a little bit easier, so that may offset some of the awfulness. You see, with my parents we don’t get together and talk about things we want, so getting a gift for them is a complete shot in the dark. Girlfriends, on the other hand, you talk about that kind of stupid stuff, plus you’re probably spending more time with them. I could gift the shit out of a girlfriend, so fear not ladies, your crushes can remain intact.

Also, as much as I hate myself for doing this (even though I do it a lot), if you want to spread some of your sickening Christmas cheer with me, feel free. I’ll be honest, I’ve got a shit load of new bills and nonsense coming up and with my web hosting needing to be renewed in a few months I don’t know if I’ll be able to cut it. So, if you like this site and want it to stick around then either make me famous or send me donations. I’d really appreciate it along with all the people who promote me on their own websites and Twitter.

Technorati Tags: bleh, Christmas, presents

Ask Josh – Motivation Situation

Here’s yet another advice column for you people. I figure since I have no money the best way for me to give back to society is by saving lives through my kick ass advice. If you have a question you need answered or advice on anything in the world, send it in.

Josh,
I’ve been reading some of your entries, and noticed you’re accepting questions. I’m curios as to how a person is motivated when he/she is barely emotional. Are there any motivational techniques that remain permanently? I understand that a person’s motivation for anything could be caused by money, anger, fear, happiness, medicines (drugs) and more. However, I stopped feeling the need for any of the listed stuff; although, I understand that money is needed to live a decent life. I am eighteen years old; I attend school and go to work, daily. But, I could care less about my so called daily “responsibilities,” that seemed to be adopted by the majority of the people who are surrounding me everywhere I go. I think I’ve become a robot who performs repetitive tasks.

Also, I hope I don’t get a bullshit answer that includes the word God, we all know that’s some fictional crap.

The best thing that you could do is go to absurdlyawesome.com/donate and not only send me all the cash you have available, but also max out your credit cards sending me money. Then you should email me for my address and send me all of your expensive electronic equipment, car, basically whatever you have of value. Once you’re left with absolutely nothing except massive debt you’ll have to work up enough motivation to actually do something with your life or you’ll just end up a homeless bum giving blowjobs to closeted business men for a sandwich and a blanket.

If you’re not at all interested in doing that, then you’re an idiot, but I guess you could also do something like find the one thing you want more than anything in the world. Take, for instance, me. My overall goal is to amass enough money to hole up somewhere and never have to see another goddamn person for the rest of my life. If, perhaps, you want a hot babe of a girlfriend more than anything, then just realize that all girls are gold digging whores who aren’t good for anything besides being verbal punching bags, then get enough money to basically buy the woman you want.

I’ve been thinking about your situation for about a week now and these are the only two things I can come up with to help you. My advice is really so cutting edge that I’ll be surprised if anyone in the world thinks these are good ideas, but soon you’ll all realize the genius behind my ways. If after that you still think I’m insane then you could just go the traditional route and pray to the almighty God to give you the strength you need to get through these hard times. You see, God loves all of us so much that he gives us the choice to either follow him or be damned to suffer in Hell for all eternity. You should really be grateful for this choice and start following him now as he is the only one who can truly help you.

Technorati Tags: Advice Column, Advice Column, motivation