Wal-Mart Learning
Rarely do I ever learn something about myself when I go to Wal-Mart, and by “rarely” I mean “never”. Typically I learn how much better I am than the majority of people on the planet. I’ll look at a 350 pound guy wearing an unintentional belly shirt, sweat pants and flipflops with socks and realize how awesome I actually am. I learn that no matter how far I fall in life, I will never be that guy. My most recent trip, however, has humbled me a little bit.
Every time I make a post about Wal-Mart from now on I'll get the picture from PeopleofWalmart.com Check it out!
As soon as I walked in I learned how much of a non-confrontational pussy I can sometimes be. I grabbed my cart as soon as a guy was returning his cart because it was incredibly loud. It was the type of cart where every time a wheel reaches a certain point it makes a loud bang and shakes the whole cart. The guy brought it back to greeter and said something like “this cart is broken and I’m not going to deal with it. Give me a new one.” I was floored. I usually just deal with the broken cart, party because its shittiness fits its surroundings and partly because I have a vagina. Never again! I feel inspired.
So I went about my shoppings, which usually consists of me not getting what I really want because the aisle is too packed for me to even want to deal with it. I typically also never put anything in my cart that may be considered embarrassing when other people are around, unless those people are really old. I just assume that the really old people don’t know where they are and if they do, I will surely be able to take them in a fight.
Then comes the checkout line. There were about 5 people in line, all with completely overflowing carts and only one checkout lane open. From previous experience I knew that I would have to make a game-plan to deal with the upcoming situation of a new lane opening. Typically, I just let other people jump in the newly open lane, even if they’re behind me, because they sprint for it anyways and because by this point in the trip my one vagina has now multiplied into two. This time, still feeling inspired, I said “fuck these people, I’m gunning for the extra lane”.
When the new lane opened I was the first one there, but I heard the lady that was behind me in my old line tell the people in front of me that she’ll let them go to the new lane first because they had been waiting longer. This bitchface made me completely pause the selfishness of my asshole-ishness. At that point I had to pull my cart back, turn around and say “you guys can go first”. This made me unhappy for two reasons. The first being that I had to wait even longer, and when you’re a single guy like me, all of your frozen meals in microwaveable cardboard are now thawing out. The second reason I was upset was because the lady behind me passively called me out for being an asshole and I played right into it. I couldn’t help but assume that she was proud for making the handsome, awesome guy step back and alter his initial decision. In my mind she was thinking that she won at the game of Wal-Mart.
As I was putting my newly bought bachelor meals in my trunk and preparing to scan the parking lot for cart corrals, a guy who just arrived at Wal-Mart came up to me and said “I can take your cart for you since I’m going up there anyways, save you the trip.” I was shocked to find a nice person at Wal-Mart. From this experience alone I can come to the conclusion that men are much better at being humans than women. It’s now obvious that all women want to do is fuck with your life, while men are self-empowered and nice. This isn’t an admission of upcoming gayness or anything, but I can now see the appeal. Wait, that still sounds bad. I can now see why men choose to marry other men. Wait, I’m still not getting my point across. It’s obvious why some men choose to spend most of their time around other men. Oh forget it. I’m not gay, I swear.
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