Praise Jesus
When I was in junior high I had a very enlightening experience. I went to a Lutheran church in small town Iowa, and also attended their “Confirmation” classes. Confirmation wasn’t so much enlightening as it was fun, trying to say or do things to upset our extremely short tempered pastor/priest/rabbi/whatever-the-fuck-you-call-him. One time he got so extremely mad at two girls talking over his lecture that he slammed down his hands as hard as he could on their table, in the name of the lord and sent their opened Pepsi bottles a-flailin’.
It was the annual church camp that was the most enlightening period of my entire life. First of all, me, outside, in a week long church camp… Not the brightest fucking idea ever known to man. I get separation anxiety from my apartment when I check the mail box downstairs… But I sucked it up, became a man, and decided that I wanted to find Jesus. That and my parents made me go no matter how much I begged and pleaded.
First off, I’m not entirely comfortable sleeping in a room, in bunk-beds, with 10 other kids and one creepy adult. It was all so evident that our creepy counselor that stayed in our cabin that week was desperately trying to fit in with us 13 year olds. He tried so damned hard to jump into our “your mom” verbal spars. Actually, the best “your mom” joke came from him. One of the kids said “I think I’m going to buy some milk at our snack time” to which the counselor wittily replied “I’m going to get milk from your mom’s titties…” Remember, this is a CHURCH camp. Not only did he just own with that line, but he also went around the cabin and advertised it “Hey guys, did you just hear that I’m going to get milk from his mom’s tits? That was awesome.” To which I replied *cough*douche*cough*.
Another thing that put me on the path to our great lord and savior was our dinner and our dinner time entertainment. Apparently this church camp also doubled as a fat fucker camp too because all they gave us for our meals was lettuce. Not only lettuce, but week old lettuce, that had brown spots and only had crispness because it was frozen. Along with this huge feast every night we also had some fine dining entertainment with this 45 year old, balding, overweight, acoustic guitar player, singing about Jesus, crosses, sheep, and all that good stuff. You could also tell he probably liked kids a little too much.
During the day’s we also had all sorts of god praising activities, such as getting in a canoe with one other 13 year old kid and getting shoved into a very deep, leech infested lake with no real supervision. If you know anything about me you know that I am not a huge fan of deep water, especially in a narrow canoe with a kid who moved so much you’d swear he had epilepsy. Another faith based game we had to play was a war game. In this game we got to run around the woods, and hit fake Nazi’s with water-balloons. The only problem with this game was that the fake Nazi’s also had super soakers and could easily dodge our 13 year old meager throw’s so in the end, the Nazi’s won. I think Jesus would have wanted it that way.
What an incredible week! Right when my mom picked me up I told her that I was following the path of righteousness and I was going to become a man of the cloth. To which she replied “That’s good Josh, it’s good to devote your entire life to Christianity and your belief in God.” Then I said “No, by ‘man of the cloth’ I meant I’m going to be a male model. Fuck those creepy church people. Besides, the acoustic guitar player said I could probably really pull off a tube top, so it’s not really like I have a choice…”
The End
Category: General Posts
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