Subscribe via RSS Feed

Tag: "Advice Column"

Ask Josh – Motivation Situation

View Comments December 9, 2009 | JoshPerson

Here’s yet another advice column for you people. I figure since I have no money the best way for me to give back to society is by saving lives through my kick ass advice. If you have a question you need answered or advice on anything in the world, send it in.

Josh,
I’ve been reading some of your entries, and noticed you’re accepting questions. I’m curios as to how a person is motivated when he/she is barely emotional. Are there any motivational techniques that remain permanently? I understand that a person’s motivation for anything could be caused by money, anger, fear, happiness, medicines (drugs) and more. However, I stopped feeling the need for any of the listed stuff; although, I understand that money is needed to live a decent life. I am eighteen years old; I attend school and go to work, daily. But, I could care less about my so called daily “responsibilities,” that seemed to be adopted by the majority of the people who are surrounding me everywhere I go. I think I’ve become a robot who performs repetitive tasks.

Also, I hope I don’t get a bullshit answer that includes the word God, we all know that’s some fictional crap.

The best thing that you could do is go to absurdlyawesome.com/donate and not only send me all the cash you have available, but also max out your credit cards sending me money. Then you should email me for my address and send me all of your expensive electronic equipment, car, basically whatever you have of value. Once you’re left with absolutely nothing except massive debt you’ll have to work up enough motivation to actually do something with your life or you’ll just end up a homeless bum giving blowjobs to closeted business men for a sandwich and a blanket.

If you’re not at all interested in doing that, then you’re an idiot, but I guess you could also do something like find the one thing you want more than anything in the world. Take, for instance, me. My overall goal is to amass enough money to hole up somewhere and never have to see another goddamn person for the rest of my life. If, perhaps, you want a hot babe of a girlfriend more than anything, then just realize that all girls are gold digging whores who aren’t good for anything besides being verbal punching bags, then get enough money to basically buy the woman you want.

I’ve been thinking about your situation for about a week now and these are the only two things I can come up with to help you. My advice is really so cutting edge that I’ll be surprised if anyone in the world thinks these are good ideas, but soon you’ll all realize the genius behind my ways. If after that you still think I’m insane then you could just go the traditional route and pray to the almighty God to give you the strength you need to get through these hard times. You see, God loves all of us so much that he gives us the choice to either follow him or be damned to suffer in Hell for all eternity. You should really be grateful for this choice and start following him now as he is the only one who can truly help you.

View Post/Comments

Ask Josh – Treating Depression

View Comments November 2, 2009 | JoshPerson

Hey guys, what’s up? Just wanted to let you all know that I’m extremely depressed right now. Why am I depressed? Well, we just went through daylight savings time and not one person reminded me to switch my clocks back an hour. I really don’t see the point in living anymore, to be honest. Usually, the entire week preceding daylight savings time I get reminded by 15 people per day and it sure as hell is the only topic amongst the old ladies in the break room. This time, however, not even one person hinted at it. Don’t worry, I didn’t miss an appointment or anything and I realized it right when I woke up when I saw half of my clocks were fucked up, but still, the way it went down makes me question everything about life.

Here’s another person who’s depressed, probably not by daylight savings time:

I’m constantly in a morbidly depressed state of being. What can I do to change the way I look at life in general?

Man, I feel your pain. I too have had dark thoughts, and not just dealing with the whole daylight savings situation. My morbid depression hits me every time I see a sexy lady and mentally talk myself out of hitting on her with my usual “eh, she’s probably a whore” excuse. But don’t think for one minute that I’m taking your problem lightly. Depression is a very serious thing.

I find the best thing to combat depression is to find the positives in your life and try to slowly build up positive momentum. Also, if possible, surround yourself with little puppies and kittens. Pack your house with them so you can barely even walk in it. Sure, you’ll probably step on a few, accidentally murdering them, but after the shriek of puppy death you’ll instantly be cheered up because you’ll see three of them snuggling in the corner against a stuffed teddy bear that’s wearing a little top hat and a monocle.

I guess you could always go the pill route, but I don’t think that’s really a good idea. It seems like taking pills for depression only makes you not be able to feel anything. Before you know it, you’ll be rebelling against your parents who put you on the drug until the day you stand up to them and say “I don’t care what you say, I’d rather feel nothing but pain for the rest of my life than feel nothing at all”… Or at least that’s what I’ve gathered from all the made for TV movies that I use as masturbatory warm up.

If neither of those techniques seem to work out you could always find solace in the fact that if you’re a cute girl I will probably bang you. That should be enough to give you a lifetime of happiness right there. Hell, even if you’re average or ugly looking, but are rich, I’ll definitely still bang you. Plus, if that’s the case then you’ll even get the added bonus of me instantly marrying you for your riches. Let’s face it though, if you’re insanely rich you’re probably not depressed because money is really the one, true happiness maker.

Desperately need some advice like this depressed individual? Email me your problem and I’ll talk about it right here on the site!

View Post/Comments

Ask Josh – Funeral Planner

View Comments December 9, 2008 | JoshPerson

This is the absolute last “Ask Josh” question I have left in the hopper so send those bitches in. Remember, they’re supposed to be about something in your life that you need advice on. I’m not going to answer questions like “What kind of dog should I buy?” because the only answer to that would be “whichever one will end up killing you”.

Try not to fall asleep:

“This is going to seem shallow. My concern is what I will do when my father dies. Not concern about him dying – I know that’s on the cards soon enough, but concern about the funeral and what I have to do and say. I am an only child and he’s old so the burden will be on me to do what’s necessary. He made the arrangements when my mother died and I was grateful not to have to do it. But I realise that this will be my job next. He has lived a long and eventful life and I have to say that I haven’t been paying attention. I know there are things that he’s done and people that he’s met that should be mentioned at his funeral but I don’t know where to begin or even how much of it is true, since he is prone to exaggeration and bullshitting. How do I find out the relevant facts now, while he’s alive, so that I know what to say when he’s dead? How can you broach that subject to someone who isn’t probably thinking about death? How do I even find out who his friends are and who I would need to inform? There are even siblings of his that have been airbrushed from the family tree – I know they exist but not where they are or why they are never mentioned. I have not been a very good daughter and I know that all eyes will be on me to get the show on the road – I need to make plans before the inevitable happens. What do I do Josh?”

I’ve never been so tired in my life. That is probably the greatest sleep inducing story that I have ever read. I like when people write one gigantic paragraph for a question that could be summed up in one sentence. When I started reading this I got a severe headache and became dizzy and violently ill all at once. Then my mind collapsed on itself. If I were you, I wouldn’t be worried about your dad dying. I’d be worrying about someone murdering you because of your boredom… Or you boredoming someone to death. Either way, fuck you.

That was going to be the end of it. I was just going to end with a “fuck you” and not try to answer your question. Then I realized that I’m here to help people, even the retardeds. Not to mention I just thought of a super awesome way for you to deal with your problem. You should kill your father and then hide his body somewhere that nobody will find it. There’s no way you could have a funeral for someone who might still be alive, could you? It’s the perfect solution. You might be expected to grieve a little bit at his disappearance, but everyone forgets about those disappearing bastards after a few months anyways. You’ll never have to deal with that old fuck again!

If that seems a little too difficult of a task for you then I have another possible solution. It’s a technique that I’ve used my entire life. I call it the “not it” technique. Whenever you get the call about your dad dying the first thing out of your mouth should be “not it!”. Then they’ll probably say something like “Umm, what?” So just say “I said ‘not it’ so I don’t have to deal with the whole funeral planning thing and all that related bullshit, plus I don’t even think he was my real dad, soooo…” I’m pretty sure that would shut the person up and make them feel bad for bringing up your possible fake father situation.

Even though I’ve given you a couple very easy to use techniques for dealing with you daddy issues, remember there is always one more. How about you act like a fucking adult and deal with it. You’re not a five years old that gets overwhelmed about things like play-doh, and if you are five then click “Contact Josh” and send pictures. Either deal with it or find someone who will. What, do you not have friends or other family to help you plan this out? It wouldn’t really surprise me if you didn’t, because you have the personality and story telling ability of rhubarb. On a related note, when I was young I destroyed our neighbors rhubarb patch. My parents were upset with me so to make it up to her they gave her some of our fresh cherry tomatoes. How the fuck is that fair? Horribly disgusting rhubarb for fresh, delicious cherry tomatoes? Probably the worst day of my entire life.

View Post/Comments
Page 1 of 512345