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Tag: "Advice Column"

Ask Josh – How To Be Romantic

View Comments January 7, 2010 | JoshPerson

There’s a very troublesome trend in the dating world that I’ve picked up on throughout my years. It seems like after a while the passion starts to dwindle and you might as well be two robots with dicks and pussies that now rarely get used. This guy is having a similar problem:

Dear Josh,

How can I be more romantic? My girlfriend says I’m not romantic enough anymore. When we first started dating, I’d do all kinds of cutesy couple-like things for her, but I don’t anymore.

Please help!

Like I said, this is a very common situation to be in. I don’t know how many housewives say this same thing to me as they beg me to bang them. It can also lead to the end of a relationship if you don’t play it exactly like I’m going to instruct you. So either follow my advice, or die lonely. It’s really up to you.

The first thing you have to do is decode what your girlfriend is really trying to say. Girls say this all the time and you shouldn’t always take it at face value. I don’t know if you noticed this, but girls have a habit of needing something to bitch about constantly. This may be the only thing that her feeble little mind could come up with.

How can you tell if the complaint is real or not? Easy, by body language. If she says it while crying after watching a “chick flick” or reading a romance novel then you have nothing to worry about. She’s probably just influenced by the dickless, homosexual writer’s idea of a real man. It will pass. However, if she says it with a bitch face and refuses to put out for an extended period of time then you’re in the danger zone.

Now, most people will probably tell you to start doing a bunch of sweet stuff immediately, but that’s completely wrong. Even if it is a real issue to her it doesn’t exactly mean what you think it does. In reality, she’s just trying to control you. If you give up all your power and start doing nothing but nice things to her then she’s going to give up on you because you’re not a challenge anymore.

Sure, you can still do the occasional nice thing, but you have to mix it with something slightly mean. Always hold your ground as a real man. Don’t let this screwed in the head mate of yours turn you into a girly-man who loves romantic comedies and gets way too into the idea of having kids.

An ideal situation where you can still be sweet is by buying her flowers one day, but as you’re handing them over to her say something along the lines of “here you go, you fucking bitch”. You could also say something like “hey idiot, lets go for a romantic walk on the beach so I can look at babes that are hotter than you”. The second one is great because it throws in something for them to be insecure about, which is always fantastic.

I know these strategies seem uncommon and your gut reaction may be to avoid them at all costs. However, you have to realize that most relationships end, usually horribly. All these relationships are doomed from the beginning because men all follow the same terrible logic that you’re probably thinking about following yourself by completely submitting to her needs. These idiot men all take their romantic cues from shows like “Friends” – it’s absurd. So get your dick out of your heart and join me in the man club (not gay).

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Ask Josh – Motivation Situation

View Comments December 9, 2009 | JoshPerson

Here’s yet another advice column for you people. I figure since I have no money the best way for me to give back to society is by saving lives through my kick ass advice. If you have a question you need answered or advice on anything in the world, send it in.

Josh,
I’ve been reading some of your entries, and noticed you’re accepting questions. I’m curios as to how a person is motivated when he/she is barely emotional. Are there any motivational techniques that remain permanently? I understand that a person’s motivation for anything could be caused by money, anger, fear, happiness, medicines (drugs) and more. However, I stopped feeling the need for any of the listed stuff; although, I understand that money is needed to live a decent life. I am eighteen years old; I attend school and go to work, daily. But, I could care less about my so called daily “responsibilities,” that seemed to be adopted by the majority of the people who are surrounding me everywhere I go. I think I’ve become a robot who performs repetitive tasks.

Also, I hope I don’t get a bullshit answer that includes the word God, we all know that’s some fictional crap.

The best thing that you could do is go to absurdlyawesome.com/donate and not only send me all the cash you have available, but also max out your credit cards sending me money. Then you should email me for my address and send me all of your expensive electronic equipment, car, basically whatever you have of value. Once you’re left with absolutely nothing except massive debt you’ll have to work up enough motivation to actually do something with your life or you’ll just end up a homeless bum giving blowjobs to closeted business men for a sandwich and a blanket.

If you’re not at all interested in doing that, then you’re an idiot, but I guess you could also do something like find the one thing you want more than anything in the world. Take, for instance, me. My overall goal is to amass enough money to hole up somewhere and never have to see another goddamn person for the rest of my life. If, perhaps, you want a hot babe of a girlfriend more than anything, then just realize that all girls are gold digging whores who aren’t good for anything besides being verbal punching bags, then get enough money to basically buy the woman you want.

I’ve been thinking about your situation for about a week now and these are the only two things I can come up with to help you. My advice is really so cutting edge that I’ll be surprised if anyone in the world thinks these are good ideas, but soon you’ll all realize the genius behind my ways. If after that you still think I’m insane then you could just go the traditional route and pray to the almighty God to give you the strength you need to get through these hard times. You see, God loves all of us so much that he gives us the choice to either follow him or be damned to suffer in Hell for all eternity. You should really be grateful for this choice and start following him now as he is the only one who can truly help you.

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Ask Josh – Criminal

View Comments April 13, 2009 | JoshPerson

Oh man, this is going to be a challenge. Typically I love getting “Ask Josh” questions as I feel like I’m giving something positive back to society. This particular one, however, has a huge chance of breaking bad for me. I really don’t know how I’m going to give advice without sounding like a complete racist. Now I’m sort of wishing that I did ask out that attractive black girl I saw uptown yesterday to give me a little racism insurance.

I’m scared for my future. Hold me.

In the town that I live in ,a small hillbily town in Ohio, there has been a black,male predator on the loose. 6’3 280 lbs. Hes apparently been going into nursing homes and salons snatching wallets out of purses then immedietly using the credit cards to buy gift certificates (irrelevant). Yesterday, this man, who is missing a front tooth, shows up at MY work and asks to “pretty please please please” use the restroom. My coworker actually lets him in (she has a thing for what she calls ‘chocolate kisses’. He uses the restroom then asks about our prices on manicures and pedicures, then asks if we have a cleaning crew. She tells him the info and he leaves. Later we find out who he is, after seeing the police report and surveillence stills. Everyone at work is freaking out and expecting him to come back. Now my question: what do I do if this man comes back in and tries to start something with me or one of my co workers? I’m not the biggest thing on earth and I don’t think I could hold my ground against a 300 pound black man. Do you have any proven techniques on self defense?

I have included the actual (extremely clear) photo from the surveillence camera.

blackman

The first thing I would suggest is to turn your salon into a barbershop. From what I’ve seen on the television black people love barbershops, so it’ll probably be hard for him to commit crimes against something so close to his culture. Hiring some “brothas” and “sistas” would further benefit this cause, as a bunch of white people operating a barbershop might throw him into a fit of rage.

What do you do if creating a barbershop atmosphere is impossible? The easiest thing for you to do is to use the girl who loves “chocolate kisses” as rape bait. While she’s being hollowed out by this giant, red M&M you could either grab a pair of scissors and cut his head off, or just grab all of your personal possessions and treat it as an “every man for himself” type situation and bolt out the door.

Those are worst case scenarios. More than likely he’s changing his life for the better. He’s probably found God, wants to treat himself to a manicure and pedicure and then apply for a job on the cleaning crew. I actually think it’s extremely racist that you think black people only plan crimes all day. So, he has a history of crimes, big deal. I choose to find the good in people and give them the benefit of the doubt. It’s just insanely disgusting how racist some people are. Oh, and if I’m wrong about him turning over a new leaf, then just mention my name. I have dominion over all blacks.

Need advice about something, like this person? Send in your questions over here!

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