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Tag: "asshole"

News Thing – Drunk Crossbow

View Comments May 21, 2009 | JoshPerson

Anytime my hate tank for humanity is a little low I set my sights on the news for a healthy refuel. Sure, I could look towards articles about politics or religion to quickly fuel my hate filled being, but the hate usually gets directed inwards after I realize that I’m not nearly as smart as I think I am.

Instead, I take a look at the small stories that rarely get any attention. The stories usually involve three main things: alcohol, weapons and blatant stupidity. They’re typically not hard stories to find here in America where everyone is constantly drunk, armed and ill-mannered.

Here’s the latest article that caught my attention:

drunkcrossbowPolice said on June 21, Lupercio started arguing with a 25-year-old man about the breed of the younger man’s dog on the sidewalk on Apple Street between 29th and 30th streets. The owner said the dog was a pit bull. Lupercio said it was a lab, then went home and came back 20 minutes later with a crossbow pistol and fired it, just missing him.

Alcohol was a factor in the incident.

As weird as it sounds, the part of this story that I have the biggest problem with is when they state that “alcohol was a factor in the incident”, like this guy’s not a gigantic asshole to begin with. Don’t give this guy an alcohol out for his extreme barbarism. If he’s shooting crossbows at people when he’s drunk he at least says “what the fuck are you looking at?” five times a day when he’s sober to anyone who even glances at him.

You hear about these types of stories all the time. Two people have a small disagreement and one of the people usually assaults and attempts to kill the other. I actually think that this particular brand of crazy, that threatens lives, can really just be reduced to people, as a whole, being complete self-serving assholes deep down. I’m not even talking about the hilarious and intelligent kind of asshole, like me. I’m talking about just mean and bitter disappointments to society. It’s these types of violent assholes that really give a bad name to the awesome assholes like me, and it’s a damn shame.

So what do we do about this problem of an unintelligent, violent and ill-mannered society? I guess the only real solution to this particular problem is to kill their entire bloodline. Really snuff out the problem on the base level. If you try to injure someone over a ridiculous disagreement, you’re done. It’s not like you’re a positive, contributing member of society anyways.

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Ask Josh – An Asshole’s Guide

View Comments November 20, 2008 | JoshPerson

I absolutely love answering “Ask Josh” questions. It’s a way for me to give something back to society, even though society has shunned me in general. Seriously, what the fuck has society given me? I’m not bitter, I just think that I’ve done way more for people than I’ve gotten in return. When I was young I was told that if I do good things for people good things will happen to me. So far that theory has been proven to be bullshit, which sucks because the only reason I keep giving is to get something in return. It’s really a completely selfishless act.

Sometimes I’m obligated to be an asshole because of other people’s actions. When a situation like that arises, it feels good to put someone being a douche in their place, but quickly after I feel guilty for being an asshole. You don’t seem to have any problems with this, so, how do you cope?

First of all, you should never feel obligated to be an asshole because of other peoples actions. You should be an asshole because it’s the only way to live in this type of society. Everyone is an asshole in their own certain way, so the only way that you can be better than them is to completely over-asshole them. It really is the only way you’ll get ahead in this world. Even if someone does something nice for you, like buys you a cup of coffee, you have to be an asshole right off the bat because it’s going to lead down that road eventually and you better have a head start.

Let’s say that someone is being a douche, like in your example, and you come back with an asshole-ish retort. There is absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty about your asshole-ishness at all. The reason for this is that they’re already scheming in their own little mind about how they’re going to fuck you over. They may act hurt or offended, but you can guarantee that they’re drawing up plans about how to fuck with you back. Not only should you not feel bad about being an asshole, you should also keep it going. Always stay on the attack and never let your guard down.

Sometimes when you’re just relentlessly pounding some douche with your asshole hammer (that kind of sounds like a grotesque sex toy for gays) you may start to feel guilty, like it may be undeserved. In this case you have to remember what he did to you in the first place, and if that doesn’t work just pretend that he fucked your mom and your sister, and then go fuck his. Also, remember that people, in general, are pieces of shit and the more people you can mentally wipe out with insults, the better. Pretty soon there will only be two types of people in the world, pushovers and assholes. It’ll sort of be like slavery, except instead of judging people based on skin color, you’ll be judging them on their mental weakness.

I’ve never really had any of these problems because I’m a 12th degree asshole. It’s basically the highest degree of asshole that you can attain. It takes some work, a lot of dedication and mental toughness. But if you keep trying and keep putting in the required time, one day you can be just like me and the world will be a better place. Maybe I should start up some online asshole course where I will train people to become better at the art of being an asshole. It’d only take 12 months to get your “Assters Degree”. Even if it didn’t work out it would probably make for the best spam emails ever.

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Asshole?

View Comments July 15, 2008 | JoshPerson

Right off the bat I just want to say that the title of this blog is in no way a request, or an invitation of any kind. I’m not into that kind of stuff at all no matter how much alcohol and/or money you throw at me. Wait, how much money are we talking, first? If it’s enough to let me quit my shitty job and get me a one way ticket out of this fucking place I may have to consider, or maybe if you’re just really, really nice. Hmm, what was this blog post about again?

Oh yeah, I made a fantastic realization the other day that people are calling people “asshole” way to often these days. In fact, I can remember back to a few times in my life where I have been mislabeled as an asshole. Ok, you know I’m an asshole, I know I’m an asshole, but the person who unleashed that word upon me would have no prior knowledge of my asshole-ishness. In fact, I’m throwing my blame for getting mislabeled as sometimes being a spacey, and sometimes even shy individual.

The first example I can think of is when I was about 14 years old. I had not grown into the hugely awesome mix of personality and awesomeness that I am today. In fact I was probably the shyest and most introverted person in the history of humans. I was walking into a bookstore with a group of family members when some stranger held the door open for all of us. The two people ahead of me said “thank you” but for some shy reason I did not so he murmured “asshole” under his breath to me.

I am here today to say that I did not deserve that tag on that very day! I was just extremely shy at that age, plus I was calculating the situation in my head at the time. In my mind I was thinking “hmm, the two people ahead of me said ‘thank you’, maybe that is a sufficient ‘thank you’ for the entire group. How many ‘thank you’s’ does he need?” At that time I had already passed the jerkoff who was holding the door so it was left unsaid. Regardless, wow, you held the door for people, big congratulations to you, sir. Never in my existence have I seen someone pull off that fucking feat before. Make sure you collect your “thank you’s” from every member who passed through. That guy had what I like to call retard emotions.

Thanks to that guy I will no longer go into buildings with other people. I’ll scope out stores, sometimes for hours at a time, just to find a spot where I can enter and exit alone. I’ve pretty much been reduced to going through those motion sensor slidey doors, and those twirly compartment doors which make you feel like you’re going to get your leg chopped of when you enter and exit. Another thing I noticed is that those compartments in the twirly door could be big enough for a bus to fit in, but two dudes will never enter the same compartment together unless they’re fags.

Let’s face it though, I am basically an asshole to a lot of people. I’m just saying that whether it’s opening the door for someone, helping carry bags, helping someone with car problems or saying “hey that girls has AIDS, don’t sleep with her.” It’s possible that people won’t do some of these things, not because they’re an asshole, but maybe they’re shy or crazily self conscious. Or sometimes they will not do some of these things as a complete asshole, but I’ll try to play it off like I’m shy or self conscious…

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