This past winter I encountered a kind of awkward situation. It was a few days after a huge snow storm at about 3:30 in the PM. I was just minding my own business as usual in my apartment, flexing my muscles in the mirror after a “Fitness Made Simple” workout (Basedow has the abs of a greek god) and drinking water with ice cubes I made from scratch.
My stomach decided that It was a little bit on the hungry side and I was fresh out of food materials so I figured I would go get some groceries. On my way out of the apartment building I glance to my left and see this old dude on the ground leaning up against a sign. It looked sort of, if not exactly like this:
Now I don’t mean to seem like a spacey asshole but seriously, how was I supposed to know an old guy, laying on a patch of ice leaning up against a sign meant that he needed help? I just thought he was being a good citizen after seeing the sign was wobbly and decided to make sure it didn’t fall over so the passerbys could read it.So I just wrote it off as a “wtf” moment and headed to my car. As I opened the car door I heard the old guy moan and say “can you help me up?” Ugh. I try to interact with people as little as I can and this was totally fucking up that whole situation. I just about said “survival off the fittest biatch” and drove off into the night. But I decided to help like the good, caring person that I am.When I got to the old guy I didn’t even know how I should help. Should I just bear hug him and lift him up so he loses all remaining dignity? Or should I just stand there and try to coach him up? He grabbed my arm and I tried helping him up the normal way but his legs weren’t having it. His legs were flopping all over the place like those foam pool noodley things, he was straight nerf legging it. He finally got in a locked and upright position after about 15 minutes or 38 tummy growls.The end result sorta looked like this:
I don’t know what gives a person “hero status” but I think this is pretty damn close… I mean if I didn’t help him he would have had hypothermia soon, went into shock and just laid there twitching on the sidewalk until he died a bitter cold, lonely death. I saved that 105 year old nerf mans life. Goddamn I’m good.
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