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Tag: "comedy"

YouTube Is Evil, Maybe

View Comments November 18, 2007 | JoshPerson

For a while now I’ve had a love/hate relationship with a little phenomenon called YouTube. On one side I can find any video I want in a matter of seconds. On the other side YouTube is ruining the future of the planet.

I do believe YouTube has some good inside of it. Some of these good things include instructional videos, presidential debates, news stories and other informative pieces. The only problem is, do we really watch that stuff? I know when I spend hours upon hours on YouTube I usually go from one video to another through the handy dandy recommendation box to the right of the video. It usually starts off innocent enough, but then takes a turn for the worse somewhere along the line. I’ll give you an example of the average progression of the YouTube recommended videos:

How to Use Social Bookmarking
to
How To Social Network Online
to
Social Workers Making A Difference
to
A Guy Shaves His Balls at a Social Gathering

What kind of horrible progression is that? Another problem I have with YouTube is when I type in something like “He Is Legend playing live” because I want to see my favorite metal band in action. The first thing that comes up is some faggot 14 year old playing a horrible acoustic version to one of my favorite songs in his attic. That brings me to my next point. People can put anything on there!

A lot of people say that the fact that you can put anything on YouTube is a good thing. I beg to differ. I have come to realize in my journeys that people, as a whole, have horrible taste in everything. So you have to wade through tons of videos from people who are “really getting there art out there, man.” To bad their art consists of a 16 year old whore dancing half naked on her webcam in her parents basement to horrible reggae music. Do you people realize that there are videos out there where girls get completely naked and do a whole lot more than dance?

Even after that hate inspired rant, I can’t stay mad at you YouTube. You may be ruining the world, but goddamn it, you’re making me too entertained by peoples stupidity to care.

I swear I found this video after I wrote the line above. I wonder how badly her parents wish they would have had an abortion now…

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La-La-Land

View Comments November 3, 2007 | JoshPerson

I’ve been all over the fucking place lately. Sometimes I space out for like 4 hours then I snap out of it and wonder what the fuck I did all day. It’s sort of like when you’re driving down the interstate all by yourself, then before you know it you’re at the stop sign at the end of the exit ramp and you wonder how the fuck you got there. Yeah, it’s a lot like that, except for hours at a time.

When these little space out times occur it’s usually when I’m sitting at the computer. Usually I’ll have to check my browser history to find out what I was actually doing. I check it out and I’ll usually say something like, “Hey, apparently I masturbated 3 times, that’s weird.” Then I’ll look at my left hand and slowly rub it on my jeans with a look of disgust on my face. And yes I said “left hand”, I’m actually right handed but I’ve used my left hand for happy time for as long as I remember. I guess you can call me ambiDIXtrous… Wait, that sounds like I have two cocks… Never mind.

Anyways, I asked someone I work with for advice about my space case situation to which they replied “Oh you’re just in la-la-land, it’s not big deal”. Then I made fun of them for having a stutter. Then they made fun of me for being stupid. Then I made fun of them for being a fat nothing. Then they complained to HR. Then I got a “talking to”. Then they… You get the fucking point, my situation wasn’t resolved.

It’s really like a half coma, except I’m awake and responsive. So I guess it’s not really like a coma at all. It’s more like I’m a robot, just going through the motions. It sucks because I finally got what I’ve been wishing for since I was little. Yes, I wanted to be a robot. But not an unresponsive, lazy robot. I wanted to be a robot that can jump really high, be super strong, and be able to read entire books in 5 seconds and retain them word for word.

Then some day I’ll meet the human neighbor girl, because I saved her from some drunk asshole who was trying to rape her in his car in front of her house. Then we’ll become the best of friends and have deep talks about life. I’ll tell her how I have no feelings or emotions because I don’t have a heart. Then one night I’ll tell her that I want her to show me what love is. She’ll tell me that she can never love a robot. So I’ll kill her and dump her body in the river. Then I’ll live happily ever after, leading the robot resistance against mankind. The End.

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I Drinked Myself

View Comments October 13, 2007 | JoshPerson

This one time in the past, about 15 minutes ago, I had a situation that has made me question where my life is headed. I was doing my usual weekend morning drive around, went to get cash, energy drink, then to Wal-Mart to buy a videogame. It was at one of these places that I just possibly totally fucked up my future. But I’m getting ahead of myself…

First I just want to point out some observations. When I went through the ATM, the truck ahead of me pulled up to far away from the number pad, so they had to half open their door and kind of hang out of their truck, it was ridiculous. Why do people still do this? I remember this happening when I was a kid. Wouldn’t ‘pulling up close’ to the machine be number one priority in this situation? That’s what you’re going there for, it should be the first thing on your mind. This one observation is enough for me to condemn everybody on the planet as retarded and name myself King.

My second observation comes from the convenience store where I bought my Rock Star energy drink and Fiji water. The observation can best be summed up as, “Stop It, Lesbians”. I just want to preface this mini rant with saying that I have nothing against lesbians. As a matter of fact, movies of them help me on nights when I’m feeling lonely in the pants. Just stop it though, you don’t have to advertise your lesbianocity with your weird butch, curly, mullet and your leather jacket. These types of lesbians don’t even register as humans to me, but I live in a world where all lesbians are 20, hot, and want to try cock every once in a while with their girlfriend and I just happen to be the only guy around.

Now on to me fucking up my future. I was really tired this morning so I decided to pop the Rock Star open on my way to Wal-Mart. It’s not something I usually do but I needed my energy up to be able to deal with the excess of dirty sweatpants that I was about to witness.

So I whip into the parking lot, and the first thing I noticed the most perfect woman ever. She had long brown hair, she was shorter than me, what more could I ask for? I really feel like she could have possibly been the girl that I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with, I just wish I would have been able to see the front of her…

At this point I’m excited at the possibilities that are now sitting in front of me. What once was a shitty trip to the worst place in the world now turned into a hot, spicy sexual roller coaster with endless possibilities. So I find a parking space and take one last drink of my energy drink when all of a sudden “it” happens. The condensation on the can made for a slippery “set back down” experience. The can slipped out of my hand and I was all of a sudden sitting in a puddle of sweet, sweet, energizing nectar.

In situations where I spill something on myself I like to call it “I drinked myself”. I don’t know if that’s the way I should put it though. I mean, on one hand it sounds different, funny and awesome. On the other hand, however, it sounds like I live in the backwoods somewhere by myself and survive by drinking my own urine/blood/semen.

Anyways, now I’m soaked and sticky and not in a fun way. The drink was all over my jacket and my pants. My balls were pretty much marinating in energy drink. I had no choice but to pull directly out of my parking space and drive straight back home, leaving the girl of my dreams behind. On the way home I couldn’t help but think “maybe she wasn’t the girl of my dreams and this is a sign from the heavens.” Then I thought “what if she was the girl of my dreams and the heavens wanted to know how far I would go for her, wet pants and all and I just totally fucked it up”.

I don’t mean to be a negative outlooker but I choose to think I fucked it up. After all, maybe the energy drink spill was just to get my balls all hyped up for a full weekend of sexual interactioncourse with the girl of my dreams. Now I’m forced to sit home all weekend with hyper balls and the only thing I can think of is butch lesbians.

PS: Here is a video of me I uploaded to YouTube directly after I spilled the energy drink on myself (Ignore the parts about the cops)…

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