I’m Addicted
For a while now I’ve been having some personal issues that I’m just starting to understand. The thing is, I don’t know if it’s correctable without a heavy dose of counseling three nights a week, followed by a heavy dosage of Zoloft, which may or may not make it worse. Yes of course, I’m talking about my relationship with the good ol’ television set.
Towards the beginning, it was all fun in games, me and TV would do this adorable little dance. I had one or two shows that I would watch semi-regularly and then I’d go about my day. It was a textbook example of a fling. No commitments, we didn’t have to answer to each other and we had a completely open semi-relationship going. But then something happened…
I think that It all started with me being in a bad place. One night I came home from work and I was quite depressed and vulnerable. And who should be there for me on that fateful winter eve? My fling, the TV. You see, throughout our whole relationship I could tell the TV wanted more. The TV had grandiose dreams of us holding hands and frolicking through prairies and looking into each others eyes in the moonlight. I, on the other hand, was not ready for that type of commitment. I just wanted something to be there for me when I was bored, something to “spice it up” every now and again.
From that fateful night the TV capitalized on my weaknesses and started showing me things I’d never seen before, mediocre shows with mediocre plots, depressing news headlines, talk shows and poorly written sitcoms. I was so amazed by what awful things were streaming through the TV that it sort of hypnotized me. I felt myself swelling with feelings towards the news anchor who bumbled over his words while speaking words of war, murder, and Paris Hilton. I developed a relationship with the college freshman who didn’t fit in, but then decided to join a fraternity and at the end of every episode overcomes all the odds with a cheesy life lesson.
I used to pride myself on watching only a handful of good, quality TV programing, but now even when I give a show my usual couple minute try I start to feel for the characters. I’m now being fed a quality stream of visual shit nightly, darkening me to the very core of my being. TV put a trance on me. I actually compare it to women who fall for the “Bad Boys” (like myself, not the movie), and no matter how bad he hurts them they always come back for more. It’s indescribable and it doesn’t make any sense, even when you come to realize what you’re doing.
I’ve had my big epiphany, I came home from work today, focused. I was going to end it between me and the TV. As I walked in the door I could tell the TV half knew it was coming. It looked up at me with it’s big, bashful, black eye. It hurt me, but I knew something had to be done. I grabbed the remote and started shaking it in the TV’s face. I said “It’s over between us TV, we had a good run, but I can’t help that you are influencing my life and more importantly my taste in the worst possible way. I don’t like what you are turning me into and it has to stop!”
The TV didn’t say a word, it was calm, cool and calculated. The very fact that the TV didn’t seem to care made me want to come running back. As I was about to push the power button I stopped myself. I screamed “NO!” and threw the remote into the couch before running to my bedroom, slamming the door and getting under my covers. What’s a boy to do?
Then I realized there was TV, right in my bedroom! TV looked at me as if to say “I’m sorry I hurt you, are you sure we can’t work things out? I’ll try to only give you good things from now on.” And like the fool that I am I fell for it. We started out watching a touching program about history, I was learning fascinating, productive things. Then out of nowhere TV flew straight to Fox News. You lying bitch TV! Oh, why do I love you so when all you do is hurt me?
In closing, can you believe that Lindsey Lohan is back in rehab? OMFG! I sooooo feel for you Lindsey. I too have an unhealthy addiction that I just can’t seem to kick. No, not cocaine and cock, my addiction is much harder to break. The addiction of TV love.
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