A Dark Day With ALF
As I get older I’m starting to look back on some of my fond/frightening memories from when I was a child, with a little bit of cynicism. I’ve found that some of these memories couldn’t have really happened at all and must have been a dream… Or were they? It’s possible that I’ve been involved in some paranormal situations, but it’s also possible that I was just an insanely retarded kid with an overactive imagination. Which one is more likely? I’d have to go with the former, because my mind don’t play no tricks, baby. Adding to the legitimacy that these two stories did happen in real life, comes the fact that I really have no idea in what order they happened or how old I was. With that being said, they seemed so fucking real.
The first story that I remember as being absolutely true, happened when I was in about 1st grade (give or take 5 grades). I was in the classroom during the day, just like normal, but on this particular day the sun didn’t come out. It was as black as night all fucking day. I remember we might have had a small thunderstorm, but you’d think if it was pitch black all day long we might have had a tornado type situation and we’d be hiding in a small hallway, away from all windows. It’s funny, when all us kids would go to the windowless hallway during a tornado warning only one of us kids would take it seriously. It just so happened to be the pussy nerd that you would end up making fun of all the way through high school. Nobody else gave a shit that we were minutes away from being tornado stricken.
The thing that confuses me about this memory is the fact that I asked my parents about it a couple years later and neither of them remembered it. Not only did they not think it happened, but they also looked at me with extreme disappointment like they just found out that their kid suffers from retardism. Sure, it could have been a dream, but what a lame fucking dream. I was only a child. I was supposed to be dreaming about space ships, dinosaurs and being half ninja, half Indian. Better yet, I should have been a “ninjian” fighting dinosaurs with karate and space ships. Also, if anyone makes a sweet TV show out of that idea I demand the millions of dollars that it would undoubtedly make.
Another memory that I have is a little bit creepier and off the deep end. I was staying at my grandparents’ house, where I would often sleep in the basement. It was a nice, finished basement, so don’t look at me like I was an insane future baby butcher and they had to keep me in a dungeon. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and hearing a strange noise coming from the laundry room. As I walked into the laundry room I could tell the noise was coming from the dryer. When I opened the dryer I saw my good buddy, and favorite TV character at the time, ALF. He was just chillin in the dryer by himself. I remember we talked a little bit and I completely freaked the fuck out. I think it ended with me shutting the dryer door and running back to my bed.
It looked sort of like this, except I didn’t turn the dryer on because I wasn’t an asshole yet:
Alright, so this was most likely a dream. In fact, there is absolutely no chance that this really happened, unless the show ALF was really a documentary. I actually just watched a few episodes of ALF recently on Hulu and forgot how creepy that little fucker really is. You’d think it’s a puppet of some kind, but then you see it run around and it looks like a midget in a costume, but the head of the costume is really too small for a normal midget head. It’s mind bending and creeps me the fuck out all at once. It’s sort of like when girls first see my penis. It just seems out of place at first, but then they realize that’s just because of how huge it is… Plus it can bend in all directions in the middle whilst erect. Actually, those two situations are nothing alike, I just wanted to brag about my amazing, swiveling cock…
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