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Taking Off

Posted by Josh in General Posts on October 9, 2009 | No Comments

As I mentioned in my previous post, I was on vacation in Las Vegas town all of last week. Well, we left on Sunday and as expected the airport was a complete mad house. The insanity was increased drastically by the fact that there were no fewer than 15 thousand police officers and homeland security guys walking around with bomb sniffing dogs while intensely staring down civilians. Was this the sign of a possible terrorist attack? Not exactly.

Well, my father and I decided to walk around to try to solve the mystery of what’s going on. When we walked outside my father started physically pointing out all of the security guys up on roofs, down the sidewalks and sitting in cars. I guess it was completely harmless, but I couldn’t help but feel like the cops and homeland security would think we were planning something and either snipe us in the goddamn ears, or at least lock us in a room and question us for hours to make us miss our flight and miss my chances of winning millions and banging ladies.

Well, as we were standing there on the sidewalk, two huge Suburbans with front rammy bar things, pulled up. Out of one of those Suburbans walked a couple men who looked like foreign diplomats, or something. All of that security action for two dudes nobody in the airport knew? Then the security guys just let them walk into the airport completely unguarded. It made absolutely no sense, but it did make me feel better that they were just protecting some nobody and there was no immediate terrorist threat. Had I not seen that I would have been paranoid the entire time and probably would have passed out from fright given what happened later.

Next, we went through airport security, which is always a huge fucking production for me. See, I tend to wear big boots to help mask how small of a man I am and to protect me from snakes biting at my shins. They’re great for those reasons, but I also have to spend roughly 15 minutes per boot, to take them off.

When I was standing there, waiting in line I noticed this female security guard just sort of looking at me in a “damn, he’s fine” sort of way. This girl was probably as attractive as a woman can be, dressed in those ridiculous security outfits with a pants belt cinched around her nipples and cardboard button up shirt. I wanted to say something to her, but I also didn’t want to get thrown in a holding cell, or get an immediate girlfriend right before I go on my Vegas whore banging trip.

After I went through security, I sat down to wait for my dad to pass through security, when I saw a complete disaster of a human being. This lady looked completely insane. She had weird, frizzy red hair, a yellow bedazzled t-shirt and tiny red shorts with bruises and sick veins all over her chubby, white legs. She looked like a carnival of disappointment. Well, when she was walking past me she looked back at the security guys and yelled “assholes”. At that point I couldn’t help but get extremely excited at the prospect of a SWAT team running in and tackling her to the ground. Instead, the security guys just sort of looked at her and shrugged, following with the disappointment theme of the trip thus far.

After that, nothing really exciting happened until we got on the plane. When I’m boarding a plane I always make sure I’m ahead of the person who is sitting with me so I can dive towards the window seat. I’m a seat asshole like this because I’d rather have an argument with a friend or parent than be middle seat next to some annoying idiot who wants to brag to me about his mediocrity for the flight duration. Plus, I only fly once every 16 years and I sort of want to enjoy it.

Anyways, I get seated and we take off. Then, about an hour into the flight “it” happens. I, along with everyone else in the rear of the plane start smelling something burning. It either smelled like some sort of plastic or electrical fire. Not the most comforting thing to smell while soaring through the air in a magical flying machine. So what happened next? It could be nothing, or I could end up dying, but you’ll have to read my next blog post on Monday to find out.