The Pulled Over Nice Guy

It may be hard to believe, but through the years of writing this blog and talking with people on Twitter, I’ve gained a reputation as a little bit of an asshole. I find this reputation completely undeserving and, quite frankly, ridiculous. Sure, you may be able to point to my ask Josh blogs and my dream interpretations as asshole evidence, but those are really just me being assertive in bettering people’s lives. Something happened recently, that can finally lay these asshole claims to rest and prove once and for all that I’m a truly nice guy.

I recently ordered a car online, which sounds frightening, I know, but I’ll talk more about that in a later post (turns out it’s really legit and I got a great deal. Contact me if you want the hook ups). Monday night I got my car delivered down town and as soon as I got in it I realized I had absolutely no gas in the tank. It was about 11pm and about 5 hours after my usual 80 year old man bedtime, so I planned to fill it up with gas real quick and head home. When I pulled out of the gas stations things got a bit interesting.

My new car. Sure, it’s not exactly “manly”, but my general manliness more than makes up for it. Had I gotten a large truck or a “bitchin” sports car it’d be manliness overload and the universe would implode. You’re welcome.

I drove about half a block before a police man pulled me over. So here was the situation, I was in a car from Texas with no plates, no proof of registration or insurance at 11:30 at night and the cop who pulled me over was a narcotics officer. Not a great situation for me to be in.

The cop started asking me a million questions about where I got the car, if it was mine, why I picked it up so late and if I had any drugs or guns on me. I, of course, was completely courteous, mainly because it was late and I was tired and also because he was probably the nicest cop I’ve ever come across. So the cop took my driver’s license and shipping receipt back to his car and did whatever they do, which is probably formulate a scenario which would optimize taser usage.

When he came back he asked me if he could search my car. I could have said no, but debating my rights with a police officer during my bed time is not one of my favorite hobbies. I just wanted it to be over so I said “Sure, go right ahead”. When I got out of the car he patted me down, which was an experience, to say the least. Searching the car is one thing, but searching testicle alley is something completely different. I should also note that I was in tears the entire time.

He ended up bringing his drug dog out and taking it around my car and then he searched it manually. Now, I just got this goddamn car and it was completely empty, but all of a sudden I was panic stricken thinking maybe someone accidentally dropped a dirty bag of shake under the seat, or something, and I’d go to jail.

After he was done frisking my new vehicular he said “Man, I was really hoping to find mounds of cocaine in your trunk or something, but it turns out you’re just a really nice guy who got a new car. Thanks for all your cooperation and have a good night”. That was it, I got to return to my bed to continue on my string of dreams about banging disgusting chicks that have been way too vivid for them not to come true eventually.

So you see, a goddamn police office said I was a nice guy! These guys are supposed to have the power to look into people’s souls and see if they’re criminal or insane and he found no traces of asshole anywhere on me, or in my car. It’s weird, because they usually turn really nice people into assholes just so they can slam their head into a curb. In all honesty, I think the only time you can get me in a non-asshole-ish mood is when you’re keeping me from sleep. I’ll probably just do whatever you tell me to do just so you’ll stop bothering me with your retardation and let me pass out and forget about how much I hate people for 8 hours.

Tags: frisking, narcotics, new car, pulled over, vehicle search

Category: General Posts