Up In (Diseased) Arms

Oh my god! I just got home from going up town to a local Kum n Go to buy some sweet, sweet nectar, aka Lipton PureLeaf Iced Tea, sweetened of course. I was sort of in a hurry because I also had a severe case of the Taco Bell shakes, I needed my fix.

Well as I’m in the convenience store I started noticing people looking at me funny. They would kind of look me up and down and then kind of turn away. Now I’m not the most self assured person in the world so this made me paranoid as hell. I wanted to just turn around and sprint out the door to my car/safe haven, but I didn’t, in fear that they’d think I stole something. Instead I sprinted to the bathroom to give myself the ol once over.

I get in the restroom, lock the door and stare in the mirror for about 5 minutes. I couldn’t see anything wrong with me, in fact I looked pretty damn sexy if I must say so myself. But I’m so self conscious I just stood there running through things in my mind like “maybe the messy hair look is frowned upon” or “do I have a sign on my forehead that says I just got blown by a tranny in an alleyway?” Don’t judge me.

I couldn’t figure it out! Then since I was in the bathroom I decided to put it to use and partake in the urinal situation. That’s when I realized what they were staring at. My zipper was already unzipped. Totally down and wide friggin open! Oh Noes! So I took care of my business and did what any normally sane, self confident person would do in that situation. I stayed in the bathroom for about 15 more minutes, peeking out of the door every once in a while until all the people who saw me walk in were gone. I’m not a fan of people who silently judge me so I decided to punish them by denying them my presence.

The zipper thing has always been a nightmare of mine. I’m so paranoid about my zipper always being down that no matter where I’m at or how long I’ve been there without using the zipper I always casually swipe my hand across my mid-area to see if my zipper is up. Which makes me look kind of shady, like I’m trying to give myself the jollies, and even creepier when I’m walking outside my apartment, especially since I live next to a middle school.

After the 15 minute waiting game I casually and confidently went about my business, grabbed a couple bottles of tea and made my way to the cashier. This is where it got weird…er.

I place my bottles on the counter and this 300 pound, three times a lady reaches up to grab them, when I noticed there is something seriously wrong with her arms! They are diseased! Her arms and hands are red all over with patches of white skin just hanging off! Double gross eww, eww type situation. I think her arms had super AIDS. It looked as if she dipped her arms in pink corn syrup the rolled them in corn flakes. Not to mention she’s HANDLING MY FUCING TEA BOTTLES!!!!!

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to be an asshole but I also didn’t want to have my hands and arms amputated somewhere down the road. I’m no doctor, but that shit looks pretty friggin contagious.

So what did I do? Simple. When she was done ringing it up I asked her to bag them. Then I put the correct change on the counter so I didn’t have to get any money back from her. Then at the last second I said “Hey, can you also ring me up a Sunday paper?” She obliged. Fucking smooth right? I should be an international spy or something. I took the paper, which she didn’t have to touch, and wrapped it around the bag o’ bottles.

At this point there were about 5 people in line behind me all witnessing me trying to pick the bag up with a Sunday paper. It took a couple minutes but I finally got it wrapped around and ready to go. As I started to walk away from the counter I looked back at the lady standing behind me and gave her the warning eyes but it was to late, she was froze and in fear. I will pray for her arms.

On the way out I dumped my whole paper/bottle contraption into the outside garbage can and immediately drove right across the road to Casey’s, where everything went smoothly. I may have wasted like five dollars but that’s a cheap price to pay to remain good looking and disease free…Ladies…

Category: General Posts