Women Are Confusing

Like any handsome, charming and all around completely awesome male I’ve had my share of opportunities with women. The only problem is that I wouldn’t know if a woman was throwing herself at me unless she lined up in a super sized sling shot aimed right at my love making device. Even then I’d probably just think “she’s not throwing herself at me, she’s slinging herself at me and she’s probably doing that just to hurt me in some way”.

I don’t think that my confusion with women’s signals is completely my problem. Sure, once I thought a stripper was in love with me and I also think every waitress is hitting on me because she wants to serve me like her king, but for the most part I can differentiate fairly well. The main problem I run into is women who are completely contradictory. I’m not talking about subtle contradictions or body language contradicting words. I’m talking about saying “I will never have sex with you” then leaving and calling me on the phone saying “I wanted to jump you so bad”.

These contradictions aren’t only shown in the words women use, but also in the nature of every situation I have with them. When I was in a relationship I had hot, single women hitting on me constantly. Once I got out of that relationship, all ready to party with groups of clamoring whores, all these women disappeared. I actually think that every available woman moved out of this town. It’s not like my face got in a car accident with a train and scared them away. If anything I’ve gotten more handsome, awesome and longer, with time.

Not only did all single women skip town, but all the married, kidded up women have opened their eyes to my blatant manliness. Don’t get me wrong, some of these women are actually pretty hot, but there are boundaries. As much of an asshole as I seem to be I don’t think I could possibly bang someone’s wife. That’s why I try to get myself into situations where I can’t possibly say no, basically taking my rational mind out of it so I can’t really blame myself for a bad decision as I’m not making decisions at all.

Even with this half-assed attempt to bed down one of the hot marrieds, I’ve still never closed a deal. I’ve been close, but then they start with the word contradictions. I had a hot married over at my place one day and she actually came out and said “I couldn’t have sex with you”. Ouch. We hung out a while longer and then she left. That’s when she called me on the phone and said that she wanted to jump me so bad and she was waiting for me to make a move. Was her turning me away at first really a green light? Or was my shutting down and playing video games after her original claim what really turned her on?

I guess I could have ignored her original claim of not wanting to have relations with me, but I was under the impression that I could get thrown in jail for rape. Apparently that’s not the case, though. Apparently every girl I’ve ever met has wanted me badly because they all say that they’d never have sex with me, or that I’m an idiot asshole, or that I’m physically repulsive. That’s why I’ve made an elixir to fix women who constantly contradict. It’s called “Awesome Juice”, which is really just three Capri Suns in a glass mixed with a half bottle of Tylenol PM and a pinch of bleach. It works like a charm.

Tags: confusing women

Category: General Posts